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Cocomonkey's Profile

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Cocomonkey
Bard Male United States
Please Cindy, say the whole name each time. 
I'm called Tim. I've been playing Dink since it came out, when I was a young, dumb kid.

E-Mail timthreethreethree@gmail.com
Private Message

2014-10-07 04:10:32
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Cocomonkey
Bard Male United States
Please Cindy, say the whole name each time. 
--Crazy Old Tim Plays All the DMODs--

Directory
1998 | HTML version
1999 | HTML version
2000 | HTML version
2001 | Article version
2002 | Article version
2003
2004
2006
2007
2008-2009
2010
2011-2015

2005 sure was a year that happened.

Okay, seriously, I've got nothing to say about 2005. I have at least one thing planned to say at the beginning of the all the other remaining topics, but I'm drawing a blank here. There was no DMOD contest in 2005. Twenty-three DMODs were released. The year's biggest release seems to be Metatarasal's "The Scourger," which came out in November.

Now that I mention it, there's an interesting trend of the "big" DMOD releases coming toward the end of the year. "Prophecy of the Ancients," "Crosslink," "Stone of Balance" and "FIAT" came out in December. "Friends Beyond 3" came out in November. "Pilgrim's Quest" was an October release. Even "Cloud Castle 2" and "Initiation" came out in September, which is still pretty late in the year. The biggest exception to this rule so far is probably the "Quest for Dorinthia" mods. I don't know what to make of this, but it is a weirdly strong pattern.

207: The Ultimate Challenge Authors: Dinkholland, Missdink Release Date: January 13, 2005
"And I am an old man and I can't fight against all these monsters. I am to old for that."

Missdink is not to be confused with MsDink, the author of "Furball."

This DMOD is not the ultimate challenge in any sense. If 'ultimate' means 'last,' well, I've still got 144+ more DMODs to play. If it means 'greatest,' it's not really that much of a challenge. Now, if it had been called "The Ultimate Grindfest," I might almost agree.

"The Ultimate Challenge" is very unusual in that the most daunting obstacles to your progress are a pair of objects you can't push until your strength reaches a certain value. Usually, when you require the player to be at least so strong in order to push something, you take some kind of step to make sure they don't have a weapon equipped while pushing. Failing that, you at least have the script take the weapon's added strength into account, because it doesn't make any sense that Dink is better at pushing things while he's carrying a sword. Here, however, this effect is worked into the design. You'll never be strong enough to make it past the barriers without equipping a sword.

The first barrier, a large fountain, requires a strength of 30 to pass. There are enough strength potions littered around in this DMOD that I was able to pass this with the claw sword. The second barrier, however, takes an insane 65 strength to push. Even with the light sword, which can be purchased in this DMOD for 10,000 gold, it took some serious grinding to make it to 65. Fortunately, I had been putting all of my points into strength anyway, which I don't usually do. Still, I had to grind all the way to level 14 to get Dink's strength high enough to pass. It turns out there is something built into the DMOD to help you - somebody sells golden apples that give you a strength point for 5000 gold each - but I didn't notice. Oh well, it still only took me 48 minutes to beat the game.


What is this rock MADE of?

This one is unusual in that it only has a smallish romp's worth of content, but it tries to ramp everything up into an "ultimate" climax by making you grind for lots of experience and gold. The grinding isn't too bad because there are stone giants and dragons that give you 400 experience points each and drop a fixed 200 gold.


And there are a LOT of them.

I opened by talking about grinding because that's what the DMOD is really about, but I guess I should talk about the plot too. The game opens with Dink in his home, where he says goodbye to his wife and bizarre adult-proportioned but action-figure-sized son and goes out for... a walk, I guess. He immediately runs into an old beggar, who is crying because his daughter is missing. Dink is, of course, on the case. After that, you just sort of wander around a big old field with a lot of open space. The tiling isn't great, although I've seen many DMODs do a lot worse. A number of things happen - for example, Dink happens upon a bunch of dead people and arbitrarily decides to kill the monsters who did it - but very little of it relates to the main "quest," such as it is.

It's possible to purchase or acquire every item from the original game except for the regular and flame bows and the throwing axe. You can also find wizards with names from The Lord of the Rings (Gandalf, Smeagol, Saruman) who will each sell you one of the original spells for 1,000 gold. Yep, Fireball is the same price as Hellfire here.


Some of the map decoration is oddly geometrical.

The boss, the "Stone Giant King," has one of the highest defenses I've seen in an enemy that you're supposed to kill by normal means with 58. Even with the 65 attack you need to reach him, Dink's attacks often do 1 or 0 damage. This is because the engine takes a random value from the top half of the range from 0 to your attack score and uses that as the power for a given attack. Still, the battle is anticlimactically easy. The stone giant moves quite slowly, and although it took me a while to kill him, he only managed to hit me once. Dink saves the girl, and there's an ending screen with an odd feature - a save point, although you're trapped on the ending screen and can't really do anything anymore. If nothing else, it made it easy to check my play time.

I actually felt like the grinding was the strongest part of "Ultimate Challenge," because at least it's different than the usual "go here, then go there" formula followed by most DMODs. Killing swaths of enemies and watching numbers go up can be kind of fun, particularly when it happens quickly, like it does here. It's ultimately pretty pointless, however, if you're not grinding toward an interesting conclusion.

208: The Goblin Castle Author: Ambikesh (Akamb) Release Date: February 10, 2005
"What did he say?"

REPUTATION NOTE: This DMOD is tied for last (0.1) on the Dink Network.

"Is it broken?" my wife asked me. "Did the download mess up or something?"

"No, this is what it's really like," I assured her.

"Ohhhh," she said. "I get it now. It's not broken, it's just s***."

**********This DMOD, "The Goblin Castle,"**********
 ********Has been awarded the prestigious*********
  ****DINK FOREVER MEMORIAL AWARD OF BADNESS*****
   *********On this day October 7, 2014*********


Six screens. One line of dialogue, quoted in the header above (two if you count a sign reading, "Smallwood residence"). Zero goblins. Zero castles. Hell, there isn't even anything that could metaphorically be a goblin castle. Honestly, there really isn't anything at all.

"Goblin Castle" isn't the earliest DMOD to have a score of 0.1. It shares that dishonor with ThinkDink's "Ghosts of the Cast: The Quest for the Axe of Destruction." Honestly, I feel like putting that on the same level as this does a disservice to ThinkDink's work. It is that bad.

You begin the DMOD in an upstairs room. You walk downstairs. There, you see a woman, and after a pause, Dink asks, "What did he say?" There is another pause, and then there are no more words. Trying to talk to the woman does nothing. It is a surreal, worrying scene that threatens to peel at the edges of my brain like peeling the tinfoil off a potato. What did who say? Why doesn't she say anything? What the Hell is going on here? What goblins?

So you go outside, hoping you'll find some answers out there, or, I dunno, at least a pillbug to punch or something. But all that's out there are three screens surrounded by an odd-looking treeline with poor hardness. There is nothing on the screens except the house you left and the sign. You can't even re-enter the house. Look, I tried:


"House face, house face!" They taunted him. And because he knew they were right, he could not even cry.

If you look at the scripts, you'll find that there's supposed to be an intro of sorts, except that it isn't attached to anything. It has references to a global variable that doesn't exist in the DMOD. The script that delivers the single, cryptic line has all sorts of dialogue hidden behind checks of variables whose values are never set. The exchange with the woman, who calls herself Aunt Mary, is supposed to go like this:

Mary: The guard from Goodheart castle came here while you were asleep.
Dink: What did he say?
Mary: He said that King Daniel wants to see you.


I suppose King Daniel wants to see Dink about some kind of castle of goblins. I don't actually know, since the scripts contain no other references to the issue.

Maybe Dink's house is the 'goblin castle,' and Dink himself is the goblin. You see, he... no. I really can't BS my way out of this one. There just isn't enough to work with.

One of the many 0.0-rated reviews is by the author. He says that he was 11 years old when he made this. Of his own DMOD, he offers this opinion: "It is totally trash and I am still perplexed why redink1 or any of the other staff members haven't eliminated this Dmod's name from the download list. It is really extraordinary that such rubbish has still not been thrown away." I definitely couldn't say it any better.

I think we have a new leader in the "worst DMOD of all time" competition. Generally, you want to release things that have some kind of content.

209: Impossible Scenarios Author: Nam Hoang Release Date: February 10, 2005
"This excruciating D-Mod will have you crying for your mommy in MINUTES!"

Nam Hoang is the author of "Legend of the Pillbug," which wasn't totally horrible but left a strange impression of being led along a path by a velvet rope.

Nam goes to great lengths to warn us about his mighty DMOD. It will destroy us. It will make us swear oaths to various gods. It will create for us various new and unpleasant bodily orifices. He warns us in the description, in the dmod.diz file, in the readme, in the DMOD itself. "No whining," the mod snottily declares.

Which is odd, because "Impossible Scenarios" isn't particularly hard. It isn't very long, either. It consists of a series of "obstacles" or challenges marked with signs that number them and give a difficulty rating. I was encouraged by the concept. There's something satisfying about taking the different elements of gameplay, cutting them into small chunks, naming and numbering them. The Wario-Ware series has done this sort of thing very well. "Impossible Scenarios" has a pretty cool idea, but what it does with it is really unsatisfying.

In the first section, there are some screens with pillbugs and boncas who are mostly enclosed by fences. The enemies have just one hit point each, so this hardly presents a challenge. Making things even easier is the fact that the first time one of the enemies on each screen dies, the screen unlocks. The game says that it starts off slow "for noobs," but the mod ends up being short enough that this is a significant portion of this "impossible" DMOD.


Honestly, I feel sort of sorry for them. Doesn't seem right.

This is followed by a segment where the player must navigate paths lined with deadly thorny brambles, which do 999 damage when touched. This part actually can get kind of tricky, and I'll admit that I died a fair number of times. It still can't have taken me more than a few minutes all together, though.


DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

After the thorns, you come to the biggest part of the game: a snowy maze built from fences. I expected this to be like Jeff Speed's "Labyrinth," but in fact it's a lot simpler and more annoying. The path through the maze is actually pretty simple. It's only hard to tell where you're supposed to go because your view is blocked by thick groups of trees. You just have to sort of stumble your way through blindly. What's worse is that a big open area in the maze has tons more of the instant death thorns. They're placed on the edges of screens and not screenmatched, so that you have no idea you're walking into them until it's too late. This is a real dick move and an example of fake difficulty. The sign in this area said that it would make you "hate fences," but it really just made me not like the author very much.


Where am I going, exactly?

And that's it. When you get to the end of the maze area, there are no more challenges. Despite the large number of golden hearts I'd picked up, there was no boss or anything. It made me suspect that the author just got lazy and stopped making the DMOD in the middle. The game ends on a screen with a very large number of ducks to kill.


"I'm finished!!"

The title "Impossible Scenarios" makes you expect a tough test of skill, but there's none of that here. Once I actually started playing, I expected an amusing collection of different kinds of gameplay, but the DMOD doesn't really deliver on that, either. Stay away from this one. Somebody could, however, make a neat (or truly excruciating) DMOD based on the same format.

Cocomonkey has released 9 files

TitleCategoryAvgUpdated
Dink Smallwood: Achievement Unlocked EditionD-Mod, Add-OnExceptional 9.5February 17th, 2015
Dinkgon WarriorD-Mod, QuestGood 8.0February 2nd, 2015
Malachi the JerkD-Mod, QuestGood 8.9October 6th, 2014
Crazy Old Tim Plays the DMODs of 1998MiscellaneousN/ASeptember 8th, 2014
Crazy Old Tim Plays the DMODs of 1999MiscellaneousN/ASeptember 8th, 2014
Crazy Old Tim Plays the DMODs of 2000MiscellaneousN/ASeptember 8th, 2014
Tragic Death of Zink Smallwood (The)D-Mod, RompFair 6.1May 13th, 2006
CrossroadsD-Mod, UnfinishedTolerable 3.6July 27th, 2001
End of the World (The)D-Mod, QuestTolerable 4.8March 29th, 1999

Cocomonkey has written 5 reviews

TitleFileTypeScoreDate
The best way to play Dink Smallwood GNU FreeDinkNormalExceptional 9.7March 15th, 2014
Probably the best joke DMOD Goblin TroubleNormalFair 6.9September 15th, 2013
Utterly without value Mike Dingwell's First D-ModNormalHorrible 0.2September 6th, 2013
I Really Liked the Concept For This Dmod World of DinkCFeaturedFair 6.0May 9th, 2006
This Was a Very Good Dmod Green Voice in my Head (The) - Part 1 - Hangover & AgonyFeaturedExceptional 9.0May 9th, 2006

Cocomonkey has taken 165 screenshots

ScreenshotFileDate
Preview Shadows of DeathFebruary 1st, 2015
Preview Pokemon: Bible VersionFebruary 1st, 2015
Preview Dink and the ChinsFebruary 1st, 2015
Preview Cast Awakening Part 5: RevolutionJanuary 31st, 2015
Preview Dinkgon WarriorJanuary 30th, 2015
Preview SilenceJanuary 30th, 2015
Preview Woods (The)January 29th, 2015
Preview Epochs & Aeons: Part OneJanuary 29th, 2015
Preview Bored of the RingsJanuary 26th, 2015
Preview Quest for Dorinthia III - Nymera's QuestJanuary 25th, 2015
Preview Dink and the 4 TowersJanuary 21st, 2015
Preview Dink Gets BoredJanuary 21st, 2015
Preview QuelJanuary 21st, 2015
Preview Lost Forest RompJanuary 21st, 2015
Preview Quest for Dorinthia: Special EditionJanuary 17th, 2015
Preview Trials of a Boy - Enter The IcelandJanuary 16th, 2015
Preview Karel ende ElegastJanuary 16th, 2015
Preview Goblin Wars - Breaking PointJanuary 15th, 2015
Preview ValhallaJanuary 15th, 2015
Preview Enter the Dead Dragon CarcassJanuary 11th, 2015
Preview Dink Wars (Demo)January 10th, 2015
Preview End of Snoresville (The)January 10th, 2015
Preview Fate of Destiny - DemoJanuary 9th, 2015
Preview A False HeroJanuary 9th, 2015
Preview Corporate ManagerialismJanuary 4th, 2015
Preview Dink Z TriviaJanuary 2nd, 2015
Preview Higgledy PiggledyDecember 28th, 2014
Preview Forest of DoomDecember 28th, 2014
Preview Three AmuletsDecember 28th, 2014
Preview Dink's Quest in the IcelandsDecember 27th, 2014
Preview Grasp of DarknessDecember 27th, 2014
Preview Day of the CarcassDecember 26th, 2014
Preview Defeat of the Terrorists (The)December 24th, 2014
Preview Quest for Not Quite as Lame (The)December 21st, 2014
Preview Dink and the BoncaDecember 20th, 2014
Preview A Day in the Life of Dink SmallwoodDecember 20th, 2014
Preview Legend of the Ancients: The CaptureDecember 20th, 2014
Preview An Aeophian Adventure: Dink goes to AeophiaDecember 19th, 2014
Preview InfinidinkDecember 18th, 2014
Preview Kingdom of Chaos ( The )December 17th, 2014
Preview Hero of the Time (The)December 15th, 2014
Preview Hide-n-SeekDecember 15th, 2014
Preview Attack of the Goblins (The)December 15th, 2014
Preview Of Life - Black GuildDecember 14th, 2014
Preview One Screen D-Mod CompilationDecember 14th, 2014
Preview One Screen D-Mod CompilationDecember 14th, 2014
Preview One Screen D-Mod CompilationDecember 14th, 2014
Preview Red ShieldDecember 14th, 2014
Preview Dink's Extremely Short AdventureDecember 12th, 2014
Preview Fall of DarknessDecember 12th, 2014
Preview Rise of the Goblins (The)December 12th, 2014
Preview TrappedDecember 12th, 2014
Preview Legend of the Dink III (The) - The Fall of Imperial SethDecember 10th, 2014
Preview Marco PoloDecember 10th, 2014
Preview Bill & Kill 3: The Terrible EndDecember 10th, 2014
Preview Attack of the Mutant VeggiesDecember 9th, 2014
Preview Legend of the Dink Special Edition (The) - Rand's Quest for AxeDecember 9th, 2014
Preview Bill & Kill 2: The Unknown BoyDecember 8th, 2014
Preview Adventures of Dink Smallwood Part 2: The Song of an Ancient WindDecember 8th, 2014
Preview Bill & Kill 1: *SIGH*December 8th, 2014
Preview Legend of the Dink (The) - The BeginningDecember 8th, 2014
Preview Honor of the Cast: The March of ArmyDecember 6th, 2014
Preview Crystal of the GuDecember 5th, 2014
Preview Honor of the Cast: SlimesDecember 5th, 2014
Preview Picnic PerilsDecember 5th, 2014
Preview I, Kara GuDecember 3rd, 2014
Preview Dink Goes BeachcombingDecember 3rd, 2014
Preview Call to GreatnessDecember 1st, 2014
Preview Island of HellDecember 1st, 2014
Preview Scary Beast (The)December 1st, 2014
Preview Gold Knight Agency (The)November 30th, 2014
Preview Kill Murdoock! 2 DemoNovember 30th, 2014
Preview If Ducks Ruled the WorldNovember 28th, 2014
Preview PreludeNovember 28th, 2014
Preview Return to RathorNovember 26th, 2014
Preview Ex-PeppermintNovember 25th, 2014
Preview Attack of the Evil Wizard (The)November 25th, 2014
Preview Dink Vs. Milder 2November 22nd, 2014
Preview Very Dink Christmas (A)November 22nd, 2014
Preview Once a HeroNovember 20th, 2014
Preview Quest (The)November 20th, 2014
Preview Scourger (The)November 19th, 2014
Preview Land of Transforming DucksNovember 16th, 2014
Preview Red Jacket MurdersNovember 16th, 2014
Preview Treasure Battles (The)November 16th, 2014
Preview An Age Of DarknessNovember 12th, 2014
Preview Tile PuzzleNovember 12th, 2014
Preview Dink's WorldNovember 10th, 2014
Preview Adventures of Dink Smallwood Part 1: The Town of RakunaNovember 6th, 2014
Preview Dink Learns MusicNovember 6th, 2014
Preview Dink vs. MilderNovember 6th, 2014
Preview OutlanderNovember 3rd, 2014
Preview Quest for the GemsNovember 1st, 2014
Preview Zach the Marine ExtrasOctober 23rd, 2014
Preview ApexOctober 15th, 2014
Preview ApexOctober 15th, 2014
Preview Impossible ScenariosOctober 7th, 2014
Preview Search for MotherOctober 2nd, 2014
Preview ChaosSeptember 25th, 2014
Preview Slimes VS DinkSeptember 23rd, 2014
Preview MatoyaSeptember 23rd, 2014
Preview Castle KillersSeptember 23rd, 2014
Preview Revenge of the PillbugsSeptember 21st, 2014
Preview Kill Murdoock!!!September 20th, 2014
Preview Hide-and-seekSeptember 20th, 2014
Preview DinkaventureSeptember 20th, 2014
Preview Knight's Tale Trois (A)September 20th, 2014
Preview Goblinoma ZSeptember 19th, 2014
Preview Fountain of Life (The)September 19th, 2014
Preview Triangle MoverSeptember 18th, 2014
Preview Dink's Father 3September 18th, 2014
Preview Unfinished BusinessSeptember 16th, 2014
Preview Dink Nukem - Darkland F**d Up!September 15th, 2014
Preview Bane of the MagiSeptember 11th, 2014
Preview Bane of the MagiSeptember 11th, 2014
Preview Attack of the Army (The)September 9th, 2014
Preview Dink Smallwood: Achievement Unlocked EditionSeptember 5th, 2014
Preview Ghosts of the Cast (The)September 5th, 2014
Preview Ghosts of the Cast : Seth's Revenge (The)September 5th, 2014
Preview RascalAugust 28th, 2014
Preview Beginning of EvilAugust 27th, 2014
Preview Dinkablo II: Shadow and FlameAugust 16th, 2014
Preview Glenn's First D-ModAugust 15th, 2014
Preview Castle of LoreJuly 28th, 2014
Preview DinkersJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Isle of Croth (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview Friends Beyond 1July 28th, 2014
Preview Crystal of PowerJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Vagabond's Quest: Dungeon of DespairJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Friends Beyond 3: Legend of TenjinJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Beginning of SorrowsJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Rise of the RebelsJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Emerald Hunt (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview Goblin Trouble 2July 28th, 2014
Preview Town Over (A)July 28th, 2014
Preview Moneyspell (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview DWTDJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Okaly-D DinkJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Legend of the DuckJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dink V. ZagorJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Secret of ParizayaJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 1: FIATJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 1: FIATJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 1: FIATJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 1: FIATJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 1: FIATJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Spy Number 13 (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview Dinky Dimensions 2: End of TimeJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Monster House (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview Kill the HippiesJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Quest of GlandorJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Baywatch IsleJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Legend of the Pillbug (The)July 28th, 2014
Preview Knight's Tale (A)July 28th, 2014
Preview Quest for the Golden NutJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dink RacerJuly 28th, 2014
Preview Dink's DopplegangerJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Sword of Paranor: Forgotten RealmsJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Moorack and the PillbugsJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Lost in DinkJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Dink Smallwood Goes Trick-Or-TreatingJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Richard's AttackJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Mike the MagicianJuly 27th, 2014
Preview ZoltronJuly 27th, 2014
Preview Goblin TroubleJuly 27th, 2014