The Dink Network

this is a team effort story about dink. we all take turns telling parts of the story. dont edit or post twice in a row. dont post at all unless your telling part of the story. ill start: one bright and early morning dink got out of bed and looked out the window. he saw- your turn!!

some noisy birds singin' and flying around. So bored of so much thing, he then decided - (go ahead !)

"Man, my sword needs good polishin', but I'm sick of doing it for myself. I think I'll..." (over)

...Visit the local brothel. Those girls will give my sword a good polishing that i'll remember for a while yet. I left my sack of gold in my...

"...Dead Dragon Carcass Cult Catacomb chest though, dang." So dink sets off to...

the catacombs. Along the way he meets a big Bonca which is about to...

go to the local brothel. He asks if Dink wants to come with him, to show him...

his big wooden stave, but then, just as they are getting to be such good freinds, the Bonca starts and argument, the details concerning it are... (to be continued. (by someone else. XP)

...that the big wooden stave might not be wood after all and...

he blasted the whole idea and set off to find lyna so she could.....

polish his sword. It still needed some good cleaning action. But just when he was out of sight of the rejected bonca...

He realised that this topic is just like the never ending story.

But then, he couldn't remember what this "Never ending story" was so he pushed it out of his mind.

A long road-trip gets him to Lyna's place, but as he enters through the oak doorway, two of king Daniels knights rise from couches where Lyna has been entertaining them (NOT like that; get your' minds out of le gutter!) and, accosting Dink they tell him the dreadful news "King Daniel is in a dire state - He is sick of being a batchellor, and in his depression has locked himself in a high tower to 'await the coming of princess charming'"....

The Knights and Lyna quickly got dressed. Dink recommended them all a good laundromat, and they set off for the brothel, to find the King someone who will love him conditionally by the hour. On the way they decided to get some Zoloft and Xanax for King Dan from the chemist in the town of...

Haverdown...

The town of Haverdown was is a decrepit (horrible) state, Men of all ages were following their desires and committing sins of the flesh. When they came upon the Chemist, they gasped at the...

sight of two smurfs just going at it! they tried to ignore what was going on and they....

found the chemist snorting a powder called...

Bludenbone...

...and realised the powder made a great explosive as well, so they stored some in a nearby gourde thing before asking the chemist...

"we need Zoloft and Xanax for King Daniel, and some Asprin too, I have a headache from too much...

...Aspirin already so that wasn't a good idea. Suddenly...

the Chemist turned his head in Dink's direction, some powder remaining around his nose, and said : ...

"Mamma Mia, here I go again..."

Dink looked at the chemist and was like "WTF!?"...

And the Chemist replied, "Milder was just here an hour ago, asking the same thing."

Dink said, "But I saw Milder die and therefore it could not have been him". The Chemist looked down in embarrassment and said, "Ah, yes, it happened over ten years ago. How silly of me.", He paused and then said, "It seems that there are quite a few people who look like him." "It is like there are only about 6 different people in this world and they all look the same." Dink took his Zoloft, Xanax, and generic pain killers, and promptly left.

Dink was thinking: "Dang I'm lucky that there are no other people that look like me!"...

Otherwise, i'd have to go on a killing spree to be unique!" at that moment, Dink had an idea, that idea was to...

go to Matrigde to summon a giant amount of Dink clones. It has been a long time since Dink went on a real epic quest so he could use the exercise of killing thousands of clones. So he went to Matrigde...

Only to find him dead, and the house torn apart. "Jeez..."
In the corner of the room however, Dink spotted a trapdoor where the broken pieces of a bookcase stood, the sound of slayers echoing from it.
"Dangit! Where did Martridge hide his Hellfire spell..."

And at the same time he was looking for it, he reminded Christiaan, that his name's not Matridge, but Martridge...

And while Dink was distracted a slayer popped out of the trapdoor, throwing hellfires at him and setting his hair on fire...

"AAAHHHH!! MY HAIR!!" he screamed in agony as he writhed in pain, just then...

Milder appeared, saying...

"What's wrong Pigfarmer, your mother pick the wrong hair dye? Thats the problem with Sluts."
Dink turns and throws a nearby empty vial at Milder, who subsequently vanishes like a ghost as Dink turns back to the slayer...

and picks up a can of hairspray and squirts in all over the slayer, the slayer shouts the spell and bursts into flame because of the high-flammability of the hairspray, just then...

Tracy Turnblad falls through the ceiling, crushing the slayer and dancing before Dink, singing: "My love keeps lifting Dink Higher"...

Then Dink said "Man, this story just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I mean, any sensible person would stop it already, but oh well, they ARE Dinkers so..."

"my adventure will last long... maybe too long..! Aaah, need some action !" Then dink went...

outside to get some fresh air. BUt just then Billy Mays jumped out of a bush yelling "good morning everyone". Dink noticed he was without cloths. "Hi Billy Mays here" he said. Dink frowned and then saw Lyna stumple out of the bush naked as well. She seems drunk, and dink looks to the left and noticed a half empty bottle of orange glow. Then dink looks back at Lyna and notices her face is covered in a white goo. "Its oxyclean' said Billy mays with a huge smile.
Dink got so angry that Billy Mays had beat him to the prize, that he...

unsheathed his sword and decapitated him on the spot, suddenly, Lyna turns into...

Hitler, and she turns around, pulls out a luger, yells Duetchland, and shoots a jew walking buy. The he turn back to Dink and says...

...nothing, because it's a little hard to talk without a head. Or without a body, if you want to look at it that way.
Then Dink ran off out of this place and all the way into a different story arc, where he...

happened upon the Brothel, "Finally, this strange and disturbing adventure can..." he is interrupted by...

the sudden appearance of the Invincible Giant Duck army, which marches past on their way to do battle with the Penguin Motherland. Dink follows, interested to see how the battle will go. Along the way, one of the ducks turns Dink into one with water from Mystery Island, so Dink...

Screeches with rage, and pulls out a M-134 Gatling Gun... at last, the real action can begin....

when he finds out he has no opposable thumbs to pull the trigger! He summons a level 12 Baby Jaguar and....

flys away, realizing the jaguar's favorite food is ducks, He goes to the mystery island to drink the duck water, to find out...

that the robots are roaming all over it again, building an extension to the blood soaked boat that he arrived on. He manages to drink the water, kills some robots, and steals a second Air Baloon to escape back to warn the penguins...

On reaching the penguin island, dink suddenly turns into a duck and he must find a way back to escape the penguins and

suddenly, the heavens parted like a scroll when it is rolled together. A trump didst sound, and every mountain and every man and his dog, pig or duck fell into the sea - Beach Party!! - and behold, the dread-lord Seth didst descend like a poo from a pigeon's posterior, and in an almighty kamikazious kaboom didst destroy the multiverse, and the rather one-sided battle was called armourgeddon, for Geddon was rather well-armoured on the occasion.

but then dink kicked his ass, turning back into his human self in the process, came to the Brothel, got a girl for King Daniel, and set on his way to 'polish' his sword...

..when an enraged Trix rabbit comes and roundhouse kicks Dink! Dink whips out his trusty box of Trix and...

Btw, Schnapper made me lol.

"BOOM!"

As the flash of the mysterious explosive noise disipates, Dink blinks in horror to find himself stranded in the desert surrounding the Cloud Castle Ruins again...

...together with a speaking fish, which had swum into his trousers when they all landed in the sea. 'Help, help!' the fish squeaked, 'I need some water!'

But Dink was hungry, so he he fried the fish with fireball spell and ate it for lunch...

Who preceded to turn into a Sandfish...

then dink saw a half fish half....

...uh, cyclopse...

Then he pissed himself, for he knew the dread power of the Fyclops only from myths, legends and old-wives tales. upon realizing that he wasn't dreaming, he proceded to piss himself a second time....

then he cut off his dick and threw it at the beast. giving him just enough time to....

regrow his dick and turn back into himself. mean while, the beast was eating the dismembered limb, only to realize it was a bomb! KABOOSH! The beast disappeared into a cloud of blood and gore, then, Dink proceeded to the castle, 'What next?' he wondered as he reached the doors of the castle, suddenly...

Dink literally s h i t t e d in his pants...

When he gazed upon the grotesque...

Bear. Which promptly mauled and ate him.

The end.

..for the bear. Because Dink...

used it to bribe the bear. and so dink went to lynas house for a good shag.....

So he starts makin out wif her and a leter coms. he opns it and the writin says "wut r u doing wit my girlfriend?" he tells her n she say "Milder is ded". THEN WHO WAS LETTER?

And then Dink said "We better just make up something because nobody knows what the hell did Slayer4990 just say"...

After a good 10 minutes, Dink walks into a bar, only to find the Scarab Club 7, some FrogBots, and a midget with a pointy hat he couldn't remember the name of, all still alive, and now staring at him angrilly...

saying:"What is this?A heteromorphosic goblin?A bonca that ate a slime?Or a huge pillbu...<throw up>"

Meanwhile, Lyna, sick of being 'trespassed' upon, was getting a sex-change. At some other obscure place in the realms, a rather lonely king Daniel stood...

'Where is Dink with the Girl?' He thought. Meanwhile, Dink was fighting hordes of Pillbugs, Boncas ans Slayers. "I will kill you!" Said a Slayer, "Not if I kill you first!" The fight raged on for hours, until Dink dropped his sword and dropped to his knees, exhaustion was overwhelming. "That's it?" Cried the Slayer in astonishment, "The great hero Dink Smallwood falls to a Slayer like me?!? This is my lucky d..!" The slayer's happiness was interrupted by Dink's sword. "Man that Slayer was annoying!" Dink looked around the room, Many monsters were dead at his feet. A girl, probably as old as the King, lay tied up. Dink undid the bonds and the girl said, "Thank you! I owe you one! anything you want!" "Anything?" Dink asked with a smile, "Anything." Dink took the girl and...

...let the girl "do his dishes". No, really, Dink didn't have the time to do them himself with all the adventuring going on. But the girl...

Started to get all "oo-la-la" on him, but Dink was like "WTF, you saggy flesh-bag!" and the ol' girl was all sweet on him and was saying "you n me baby, we could be like Tristan and Iseult". Then Dink suddenly remembered another old, saggy flesh-bag who had sent on a vital mission, the stakes of which lay somewhere between life and death -

well, somewhere between fame, piles of gold, many horny babes and Polish-moustache catalogues or argumentive boncas, fabulous smurfs, musicals, spell-checkers, Billy Mays, Invincible Giant Duck Army (tm), ravenous level 12 Baby Jaguars, Trix rabbits, thirsty fish, grotesque bears, heteromorphosic goblins, transvestites, slayers and sycophantic hags, to be precise...

Dink managed to look extremely suprised as King Daniel knocked on the front door, carrying what looked like a dead pig.
"Swine Flu delivery for mission failure!"

Then 12 Mexicans with revolvers jump ut and shot the king 86 times in the back, fir beig stupid. For Swine Flu dosn't come from pigs! It comes from...

Just mexicans in general..

And anyway, it turned out to be the doped-up Mexicans as where the Noobs, 'coz King Daniel had donned a thick, juicy Kevla prior to visiting Dink...

then all of a sudden the king craped his pants and died...

BULLDUST! Last time I played Dink Smallwood, he was very much alive. And infinitely grateful for Dink's heroic ventures too.

well, he wasn't actually dead, he just fell asleep. As he woke up in a strange place, he thought "Oh no, I guess it's gonna be one of Those days...", began to walk and

[...] found out he was in the Mortal Kombat's outworld world. Wich means only 2 thinks: he was been warped and now he will be forced to serve Shao Kahn unless we is brought to Stonebrook again by Dink Smallwood.

So, and he found out a rubber duck. After pressing it few times, he found out that the duck's voice went "darker and eviler" and the duck got autonomy, growed out 2 miles of height and told the king "for making free the allmighty formal evil owner of the outrworld, I'll give you ONLY ONE wish realised... ANY WISH", and the King Daniel desired...

"Make me attractive to all women in existence, but back at my castle!!"
With that, the evil duck being granted his wish.

Later that day, Milder arrives at Castle Goodheart to find a puppy sitting on the throne surrounded by females...
"I hope that thing's been Neutered. If not..."
He pulled out his sword...

*several miles away, at the same time* A certain un-named dwarf was laughing his head off under the influence of Smilesteins weed.

And while being under the influence of the weed, he told himself: "This story is so cool we can't let this thread die!"

Meanwhile, Dink was back at the...

Secret fortess of the secret mad professor,and...

found a teleporter, he then used it to transport to...

. . . to the White House, where Pelosi shifted back into her slayer form and attempts to kill Dink. After several brawls and lawsuits, Dink finally warps back to Stonebrook after slaying Pelosi with a . . .

banana...

because Pelosi slipped down on a...

banana peel, the injuries were fixable, but here unique genetic structure would only allow medication to work under an extremely confusing universal health care system. But back to Dink. He was on his way to his next destination when he fell face-first into a fresh, steaming bonca turd. Which caused him to say . . .

..."Well, at least it's not as bad as Milder's crap"...

And as if by magic, Milder passed by saying, "Hah! Crap face!" Dink wiped his face and muttered, "donkey." So Dink stood up and saw the amazing...

...banana...

...then wiped it in the bona crap and threw it at Milder, but upon throwing the banana Dink realised it wasn't Milder, it was really...

Milder's revenge soul,so he begin to...

say "Pathfinder posted 100th post!!"...

and he jumped in to the air with joy.

and was immediately arrested because he broke the two unwritten laws "White men can't jump" and "Jumping is an impossibility with the Dink Engine, despite what iplaydink has done". So at the prison's . . .

...cell...

he hit the wall and found a passage,so he...

Sued the prison for giving him crappy living conditions. As quoted from his case "Homeless people live better than those in jail."

He got 5 billion gold from the lawsuit and spent it all on . . .

...improving the prisons's...

game room. He decked it out with an Xbox 360, Wii, PS3, all of the popular arcade machines and a water fountain that dispensed beer. In unrelated news crime rose 15000%.

After serving his time (he had to break a few legs so he wouldn't be released for good behavior) Dink went off to beat pillbugs to death with his bare hands when a beatiful woman walked by who was wearing . . . (bonus points to whoever can give the best answer)

Banana Bras

(One on each side, with straps or whatever on the back holding them on. Don't cover mcuh but hey, who cares?)

Well, bras aren't so much for the modesty and covering, they are more like a pop-up-book flap: you want to see what's underneath - adds an element of suspense. Not to mention the "popping-up" aspect....

getting back to the story, as the lady walked by Dink remembered what he wanted to do earlier that morning (Yes this all happened in the same day, it was now about mid-day) so he pulled out his sword and approached the lady. He got his sword polished in no time at all, thanks to the lady's...

Sword-polish...

...skills. But Dink suddenly noticed the woman in front of him was TAL!!...

He immediately attempted suicide but a space duck fell out of the atmosphere and knocked him out before he could choke on some nearby rocks. Dink later woke up at/in . . .

the- YMCA!

covered in duck feathers and he wondered just what...

Tal was doing wearing a banana bikini, but passed out from fright when he remembered the image. He the woke up at . . .

...the fabulous/lesbain allaince headquarters...

covered in duck feathers..... still...

so he took the duck feathers and in a random act of violence, threw them like darts at anyone he saw. After he ran out of duck feathers he started throwing . . .

Cabbages, which cried out with glee as they rocketed towards their victims.

Eventually satisfied, Dink left and began trudging through a forest on his way to Windemere...

. . . to Windemere's tax office, where he accidentally knocked over the tax collector who broke his neck on the fall. The townsfolk then gave Dink a reward for a quest he didn't know about in the first place. That reward was . . .

duck feathers ... and Dink

. . . ate them hoping to get more strength stat . . .

he then died due to eating feather dart, that he forgot were poisond, he then woke as a skeleton with a purple suit, martridge was sitting next to him with his back facing him and was unawhere that dink was awake, martridge was playing with his...

comic collection and was embarrassed that Dink - even though he was dead had seen him playing with his comics, so he killed him again and fed his bones to the featherless duck to grow more feathers with. It worked because the the sword polishers were passing the next day and ...

they were going to give a speech on netiquette, particularly on rules about reviving old threads on forums for no good reason. Everyone was very happy to attend except for...

...this smiley --> . Then Dink suddely woke up at Seth's place.

And them he screamed "What the F..." but a blue butterfly landed on him and transported him to...

...otherside of the room.

and he ate the butterfly because hunger is one of the main side effects of waking up from the dead twice. He then burped the song . . .

"Ohh Mine Papa" ... which was very musical of him as he didn't really know the tune... so he stopped and coffed to hide his embarrassment. Suddenly Dink ...

...tried again...

His head was thumpin', his hips were pumpin', coz when ya feel that ol' school rock, you just can't stop. Of course, he knew he should: everyone knew that. Dink staggered about the room, gasping for air and everything pranced about him in doubles. "Where my girl at, eh?" he grunted, swaying precariously. A distant voice seemed to say "Sit the ferk down, Dink". Dink chuckled heartlessly and the floor rose to meet his face.

When he woke up he found out that his salt was actually crystal meth, which would explain why he agreed to go on every dang adventure he's offered. He decided to relieve some stress so he got some bombs from his closet and left to blow up some . . .

Slayers with strange guns.

. . . but instead he found this. He immediately proceeded to crap himself out of fear and fashion that crap into a special weapon, which was the crap . . . (sword/magic/axe/bow/*custom weapon*, you decide)

crap-nuke

to which he procedded to throw at the slayers, which caused a portal, which was black, that took him to an old witch. the witch asked him to let her polish his sword or face the consequenses, which dink didn't want to face as is was a giant three headed dog, which was covered in the blood of its victims. dink decided to...

let her polish his sword, to avoid the three headed dog from...

...taking a crap in the...

...woods...

which made no sense so Dink just cast the Hellfire got by security by shoving up his . . . umm . . . "pocket" and made a run for the nearest sane topic which turned out to be . . .

...My religion thread...

... we quickly pounce on Fireball and cover his mouth and say something innocuous like...

BOMB IRAQ!!

Dink, realizing that the world was spinning out of control, grabbed a Light Sword and headed to the Edge of the World for yet another epic showdown with Seth. But, upon entering the desolate wasteland...

...he heard a "Never gonna give you up!! Never gonna let you down!!" from the bushes...

He pulled aside the bushes and...

...there he was! The legendary...

Disembodied Badass...

...named...

(ROFL at IPD. )

Fred . . .

standing there in his underwear (the ones with beheaded ducks on them...) trying to...

figure out whether to give the banana he was holding to charity or frame it in his living room. He then noticed Dink and . . .

...Rick Astley had stolen his banana...

Ignoring the craziness going around him, Dink pressed onwards in a random direction to finally arrive at the DDC Catacombs. "Oh right, didn't I need to get my stash of gold from a chest in here?" He stepped inside, brandishing his Claw Sword, and began making his way to the lower levels when he was suddenly caught in a trap set by the notorious Bishop...

Turd...

Ferguson...

...Charles, who was really named as The Ultimate Ruler of this World that belongs to immortal people who don't like people with very long names. Dink then grabbed his sword and started hacking away on Bishop Turd Ferguson Charles, who was really named as The Ultimate Ruler of this World that belongs to immortal people who don't like people with very long names...

AKA Turdmaster

...who then died in a blink of an eye...

... glue, tasty glue, said Dink and continued...

...onwards. But then he saw Death rowing in his boat THROUGH THE AIR!!...

Up the DDC's anus and into the fire. Suddenly a familiar voice rung through guts of the beast: "By now, the human has penetrated deep into the dead dragon's carcal intestines. Humans developed this incredible ability about 32 million years ago, but why? We don't know - it's just another marvel of the natural world."

...Not interested in solving that marvel, Dink decided to continue onwards to the Land of Evil...

and proceeded to hurtfully vomit bananas when he saw tal again. this time he was wearing nothing at all, tal looked at dinks banana vomit and said...

"Have you seen any of my signed thongs? I was leaving from the community center where I strip for charity when I decided to see if I'm famous enough to sell those yet. If you find them, I'll reward you with this traumatic sight in the form of a sword." said Tal. Dink stared off into space, his brain broken by the "view" of Tal and what he said. He finally decided that this quest would be one he (would/wouldn't, part of choice) do. So he . . .

Ran sreaming into the wilderness, where he came upon the sight of naked lesbians making out. But Tal came in and...

Ripped his own heart out and fed it to a banana eating baboon and Tal died writhing and screaming (like a little girl might add...) in agony so we Dinkers never have to mention his name ever again YAY YAY ... and meanwhile across the universe in his lab...

A clone of him had just come to life, and Tal's original soul was sucked into the clone before it could leave our reality. So Tal was back, with the only thing between him and the world was the universe.

Since the universe is freakin' big, Dink figured he had enough time to find the signed thong supply for Tal and get on with his life. He decided that he was sick of walking (even with herb boots, those kept giving him a rash) so he decided he needed a steed. But since Dink had a traumatic child experience involving horses (which never were seen for some reason, with their existence mythical), he decided to go tame a wild . . .

Bonca in the hope that it could stamp out evil Tal from its very existence ...

The universe being as big as it is, the bonca struggled to make it. It got about half way before it died, which is quite impressive because it held its breath for the whole trip. So, stuck halfway across the universe with a dead, oxygen-starved bonca steed, Dink...

Choked Tal as dead as a door knob with his bare hands
All Hail Spleen!

...then Dink suddenly woke up of this very strange dream. He was at aunt Maria's house, in his own tiny room...

"What the duck?" He asked himself as he contemplted the dream, He remembered the wild and crazy party that happened the previous night. "I shouldn't've eaten the pizza, I know the mushrooms were magical." Dink went downstairs, his head throbbing in agony as his hangover worsened. He popped a few aspirins in his mouth and sat down at a table he had recently bought with money he 'borrowed' from the local Boncas. The door burst open as one of the King's knights rushed in screaming, "The King needs you, Dink!" Dink said, "Aww, shoot. Can't I have a few days to rest form my last adventure?" Dink found he didn't have a choice but to go with him...

*cries* why won't Tal just DIE hehe .. ok ok...

...so he did. The King was waiting for Dink when he got to the throne room, he was lying on his back in the middle of the room in his underwear, feet rotating above his head as if he was riding a bike, his chubby arms flailing all over the place. The King was twitching, foaming at the mouth and giggling hysterically - "more mushrooms" he gurgled gleefully "more more I say, Dink - I command you to find me MORE" and he dissolved into gales of laughter and then wet himself.

The guard *coffed* and inclined his head to the serving wench who raced in with a large bucket and mop and started to wash the King down who went into hysterics again.

"Where will I go to look for these mushrooms"? Dink asked the guard, "Are you really sure he can take any more?"

The guard sighed and told Dink ...

"I'm too lazy to have a complex dialogue now. Just get the freakin' mushrooms."

So Dink left and immediately made a call to one of his childhood friends who was now a mushroom dealer. He owed Dink a favor because of some life-threatening scenario in the past.

So Dink dialed the phone and was glad that the voice on the other end was that of . . .

fred, whom he had saved from a freak orange juice accident.
fred laughed and greeted dink with the words...

"Chinese Takeaways, how may I help you?"

...so Dink immediately thought he had called the wrong number. As he closed the phone call, he saw Martridge running to him. "Dink, Dink... the World needs you again! The Mushroom Lord of Evilness has taken over the GoodHeart Castle's knights' and King Daniel's mind!!" he said...

Dink accepted his quest and went and roflstomped his enemies. Dink moved to California and died there happily with his dead wife Lyna.

...But let's not get ahead of things. That was only 100 years later...

But after the roflstomping, a epic d-mod trilogy involving EvilEarl (files are still classified), and two sex-change operations, Dink decided to start up a restaurant that served the corpses of all of the fallen monsters he killed (Mazda's Meat Hut is probably what it turned into). One day King Daniel came by to try out Dink's signature dish, the . . .

Slayer spagetti with slime sauce, and magic duck dropping sprinkled on top. The king was so impressed that he hired Milder (who he got Martridge to raise from the dead) to steal the formula and market it as his own. So Milder snuck in and Dink...

swiftly put Milder into his Soup of Heroes as punishment for making a SpongeBob reference by his actions. Dink then gave this soup to the King who thought it was . . .

Clam Chowder

(EvilEarl your post made me lol. I noticed I put "formula" instead of recipe after I posted, but Zeddexx said no edits!
Anyway..."

The King's throat immmediately closed up as he was allergic to shellfish and he fell to the floor gasping and mumbling something about cheese...

{Edits are fine so long as they're announced, methinks.}

At which point, Dink throttled the King's stomach, causing him to sick up the shellfish for a speedier recovery.

The next day, the King woke up in Hospital. Meanwhile, Dink was about to cut some meat using his sword - Better than a Chef's knife - when he realised it needed a good polish again...

So he decided to go to the local blacksmith. There he found an overweight, gruff, hairy man banging on some piece of hot metal. Dink thought "Ya, this is the place." and asked the blacksmith.

"My sword needs polishing, big time. Do you know where your daughter is?"

The blacksmith swiftly responded . . .

(KK Zeddexx )

A tear rolled down the blacksmith's cheeks, cutting a clean path through his soot stained cheeks. "Dink! you must help me! My daughter has gone missing! Please find her! I will give you a mighty gift if you return her safely. I have been working on it secretly for years, a new type of weapon. It's..."

...the ultimate.... DICKSHIFTER!!...

(Edit-Thank ExDeathEvn for the edit info.)

A tear rolled down the blacksmith's cheek, cutting a clean path through the soot that stained them. "Dink! you must help me! My daughter has gone missing! Please find her! I will give you a mighty gift if you return her safely. I have been working on it secretly for years, a new type of weapon. It's..."

"Uh, I mean DuckShifter. It's an interdimensional energy cannon fueled by ducks." Said the blacksmith. Dink replied "Will you also polish my sword?"

"My daughter is the expert of that field, and I'm sure she'll do it if you save her. I last saw her at . . .

the dimensional timewarp portal near the Castle of Doom, to get there you have to go through the Forest of Despair, then the River of Demise, then you have to jump over the Twig of Death." Dink blinked at the Blacksmith and asked, "Are you high?" The blacksmith looked at him feircely through bloodshot eyes, "Why else am I pounding om metal?" With this in mind, Dink...

set to work planning the rescue/kidnapping of the blacksmith's daughter.
His plan: Find her, rescue her, and whisk her away to his private estate in the Highlands, far away from society.

(Your post was fail because you responded to an error/doublepost and as such was deleted. Also, I'm not Zeddex, please look at the username chaoticnight )

( please look at the username chaoticnight

Major apologizes for incorrectly crediting you ExDeathEvn. It was around 3 am at the time and apparently my brain was not working. I don't know how my post got doubled, it wasn't like that before..but my computer lags as gets weird at times so I guess it must have doubled.

edit-changed atm to at the time

edit- added quote so people know what I'm talking about. Now I'm going to bed b/c apparently I start posting screwy when I lack sleep. )

After a great deal of planning, Dink set of for the Forests of Despair. Since he didn't know where they were, he purchased a book of AA maps from the local newsagent's.

"I've found the Forest!" Dink cried after perusing the index. "It appears to be in the kingdom of G4, on page 27." With that, he set off for the forest.

On his way along the Old Despair Road, his journey was interrupted by a...

Unicorns covered in blood and charging at him with lightning horns...

Dink quickly blinked and the unicorns disappeared, an aftereffect of all of the pot in the blacksmith's forge. So Dink pressed on until he began to get hungry, so he went to the local bakery and said to the baker . . .

"i need pizza NAO! DAMMIT!" the baker said "mamma mia! here we go ag-" he was cut then cut off as dink promptley sliced of his head for making dink have deja vu. Dink turned to the very sexy co baker chic named Jill, and he said "hey jill... is jack around?"
she shook her head and smiled in mischief. Dink smiled, then procedded to...

... leave the bakery determinedly. After several weary hours - which contained a jaguar, a crocodile, three monkeys, a peccary, quetzlcoatl, a troupe of anacondas, Angel Falls, tarantulas, tourists, Mr Smith, a cock-of-the-rock, French mime artists, leeches, piranhas, caymans, ocelots, an old man who read love stories, indians, army ants, Mr Smith, immigrant chimpanzees, mosquitoes, Mr Smith, kookaburras, hummingbirds, llamas, missionaries, Mr Smith, missionary positions, Mr Smith, termites, El Dorado, Mr Smith, Hernán Cortés, Mr Smith, Mr Smith, river dolphins, Mr Smith, Mr Smith, Mr Smith, ullamaliztli, zombies, Mr Smith and Mr Smith - he stumbled out the other side of the Forest of Despair.

As he emerged, he looked back to see it was only a small line of trees. "dang." He muttered, "That's some strong pot." So he turned back and saw the River of Demise. You guessed it, It's full of Blood! "Where have I seen this before..?" he muttered to himself...

...before remembering the hotel night a week ago. "Oh thats right... red wine tastes like duck poop." Before him, however, on the other side of the fast-moving torrent of red liquid, he saw what he'd been searching for. He drew forth his sword, the blade glinting in the reflection of the river, and shouted.
"HEY! You, in the cage! Polish my sword!" Before the figure in the cage could respond with confusion, Dink tossed the blade like a javelin high into the air, only to spinter through the roof of the wooden cage holding its prisoner, the Blacksmith's daughter, and...

slice her clothes in a way that makes them fit less. She didn't seem to care, and immediately polished the sword and then held it over the river of blood (which now appeared to have piranaboncas in it) and threatened to drop his sword in the lake if he didn't set her free.

The following sequence involved piranaboncas, nudity, violence, a couple weapons bought from a vending machine in EvilEarl's quasi-dimensional castle, Dink and a whole lotta "HELP!! Getitoffme!! Getitoffme!! Howthe****areboncassupposedtoswim?!? Letthecrapgoofmyherbboots!!"

When Dink finally got her to shore, he uttered the now famous phrase . . .

*who WAS that masked man?*

and piranaboncas sound deliciously evil!!

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. While the River of Demise gave him strange visions of the future and images of his grammy naked, a scaly creature emerged and dragged the twitching Dink across the river, set him down on the other bank, and pissed in his mouth. Dink came out of his seizure and ordered the creature to piss in his mouth again, as the piss was where the original idea of Root Beer came from. So dink went on after drinking the rejuvinating piss. There in front of him, was the Twig of Death....

Dink saw a duck walk toward the Twig. Dink watched in horror as the duck tripped on the Twig of Death and simultaneously caught on fire while being eaten alive by slimes. So Dink formulated a plan to save the duck, starting with . . .

...horses, swords, epic battles, and sex...

Then, Dink snapped out of his daydreaming (though he filed away the horse idea for later), and yelled "Hey Twiggy!" The twig of death looked up startled. "Yeah You! I knew your father, the Tree of Death. He was a WIMP! Guess what? I chopped him down, turned him into a barrel and SMASHED him to pieces!"

The twig turned toward Dink, put on it's angriest face (for a twig) and suddenly broke down crying while muttering about his insecurities and how his father abused him as a kid. As a thanks for chopping down the Tree of Death, the Twig of Death gave a map and let the duck live (which Dink saved as ammo for the Duckshifter) and pointed Dink in the right direction. So Dink went on until he found . . .

Out that his fly was undone. He looked down at it and was like "WTF?" as his boxers were shredded from boncapiranas from earlier, and he was missing some valuable flesh as well. So Dink examined the map the Evil Twig had given him, looking for the nearest town in hopes it had a tailor. On the map he found...

Walmotopia, Area 51 Beta version, and TALopolis. TALopolis had a TALtailor, so Dink went to the nearest TALstop and waited. He began to get bored so he started shooting arrows at . . .

An apple, but then he hit it right and hit some guy on the head. The guy started babbling about a theory he had about something called 'Gravity'. Dink ran away, stumbled across a healer, who healed his wounds for free. He then trudged up to the Castle of Doom where the evil Tal was...

Chattin' up the female ducks. "STOP!", Dink screamed, but it was too late, the giant evil banana known as 'what teh fork' was already approaching, so Dink had no choice, he had to...

...take a crap...

set it on fire and throw it for incendiary ammo. But since that was gross and effectiveness was unknown, Dink settled with testing out the DuckShifter. He quickly stuffed in the duck from the Twig of Death chapter, pressed some random buttons on the device, pointed it at the banana and pulled the trigger. Martridge could hear the explosion all the way from . . .

...San Andreas...

(((One moment... -.-
[/i][/]i[/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/]i[/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/]i[/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i]</i!!> DIE ITALICS!! )))

...if such a place actually still existed. However the people of the DInk world preffer to call it simply by its English name, "Berlin".

Meanwhile, Dink heard a mysterious voice in the air. "Why won't these italics die?... Someone has to add a closing tag to the original post ". In confusion and fear he was going crazy, he ran away, but the voice continued as if in his own ear. "Now don't run dink, you'll hit that-" BANG! Dink falls flat on his back after running straight into a tree, unconscious.

...but he then realized running into a tree unconscious isn't possible...

So he woke up and ran in to it again and knocked himself unconscious again.

And so, as if from thin air, a voice speaks again.
"Silly dink. Anyway, it seems the only way to kill the italics is to turn deleted posts off... There we go!"

After a while, Dink had a dream involving a large Hotel room, three chickens, a duck, two beautiful girls around his age, and a large boar...

"AAAAHHHHHH!!" He screamed, waking up with horror.

Dink realised with sorrow how many times he had already lost his dick that week, but then steeled himself and ran up to the top of the tallest tower where the blacksmith's daughter was being held.

"Polish my sword!" he said, and she did so. "Much better!" said Dink, after several hours. "Now we need to escape from this castle. Unfortunately, there's a rampaging dragon out there. Rampaging is what it is and what it is is rampaging. Have ye any ideas on how we'll get out of this mess, missy?"

"I'm afraid I've only one," replied the daughter. "The dragon is a male, you see, and the only thing I can think of is to offer to polish his sword while you escape. The dragon's sword is very big, and I imagine you'd have a few days to run back home and return with some troops to help slay the beast. Then we can be married and I can polish your sword every morning and every afternoon!"

Dink thought about this for an eighth of a second. Then he said, "Very well!" he said.

The daughter went over to the window and called out, "Hey, dragon...

"Dink has offered to polish your sword!!" and she ran like the wind leaving Dink in rather a sticky situation...

...just then, Milder came by and asked if Dink needed any help. Dink was amazed that Milder asked something like this, and even more surprised he was all of a sudden alive...

But it became clear as Milder explained, "Seth Died, and his Midget friend came along and screwed up his resurrect spell, so he accidentally resurrected me, blew up Death, turned Seth into a man eating a squirrel, and then the squirrel ate the midget while I escaped."

"Interesting", said Dink, as he was polishing the dragons sword.

Suddenly an evil, savage, homicidal parrot flew in the window. Milder drew his sword as the parrot approached...

..but before the parrot came within the range of Milders sword a squirrel ate the bird. It was Seth, the man and parrot eating squirrel.
Dink was chocked and yelled: ...

But the squirrel actually missed and ate Milder instead, so Dink yelled:
"DON"T DIE AGAIN YOU N00b!!"

all of a sudden a choice menu came up in front of Milder, "what the hell is this?", he thought to himself.
The options were:

"Die"
"Don't die"

He chose to die.

With this decision made, Dink decided to polish the parrots and the squirrels sword simultaneously in return for...

...something sticky...

...that smelled like...

... charcoal but looked like chocolate.

...Then the sethsquirrel grew hungry; he lunged at Dink but luckily the dragon chose that moment to groan and roll over, and Dink was thrown out of the way. The sethsquirrel ate the dragon instead, and was so filled up by this that he began to roll away. Once he was out of sight, Dink hurried...

to the nearest Mental institution, where he snuck inside and stole several bottles of medication before vacating the premesis via the strangely nearby Golf Car.

Two hours later, Dink stumbled out of a swamp with his sword once again dirtied by mud, grime, and giant frog's blood.
"Ahh...... fudgecups."

Full of despair, Dink chose to end his random quest filled life. He opened one of the medication bottles and downed its contents.

But it turned out the pharmacist was smart not to trust him and it contained gummy bears instead.

The gummy bears leapt out of the bottle and ran away, and Dink groaned with horror. Still thinking they were pills, he ran after them, but they scattered: Dink sobbed for hours, then decided that he must find all seventeen gummy bears and eat them, so this misery would come to an end.

But unbeknownst to Dink, the 18th gummy bear had swam to a far off country, developed semi-retarded intelligence and found a position in Congress.

Dink's futile quest first took him to . . .

Tibet.

Where he was almost shot down by some Chinese wielding...

an Australian over his shoulder... The Aussy was filled to the brim with gummy bears and chocolate fish... he wore skimpy swimming trunks and a Tibetan warrior printed on the tattoo across his chest (which glistened in the sunlight for all those ladies that like that stuff). He raised his weapon and said...

..."I am Rob!! The mighty warrior who does Let's Plays and stuff!!"

Luckily Dink had 10 Magic, so he fireballed the Chinese and took the Australian for himself. Then he went to...

....123 Sesame Street

stabbed Elmo (one of his lifelong dreams) and went back to castle GoodHeart to ask the king what his quest was since he forgot. But on the way he noticed that his sword needed polishing . . .

The king received DInk and made a declaration - there would be no more sword polishing in the realm, and sent his messengers out far and wide to make sure anyone that needed to hear of that would. Then he decreed anyone else mentioning the polishing task would indeed be severely punished - they were to be killed until they were dead !! Twice!

So dink, dispirited by the king's announcement, went to the nearest blacksmith (a female one, strangely) and asked if she could polish his Axe.

The blacksmith blinked, and blushed. "I'm not very experienced at axes. You should ask my older sister. She's a blacksmith in the next town over. Her shop is easy to find, there's only three houses.

but then dink threw up so he was fined 5000 gold due to the "no vomiting in public (only applies to rich, dumb heros)" rule. dink was outraged and decided on starting a new quest to kill the ducker who wrote that law and rip off his testacles. dink was then fined an additional 5000 gold due to the "no sexist shall assume an important job is always occupied by a male" law. dink grew even more angry and stormed off towards goodheart castle. dink was fined another 5000 gold just for kicks...

Wow, can I have some of that stuff you're on?

"Wow, can I have some of that stuff you're on?"

Dink said, as he watched Smilestein water his crop.

"Sure", Smilestein replied. "I grow the best electric spinach in the world!"

So Dink and Smilestein spent the rest of the day...

Toking away...

...for fun...

..and frolicked in a field of flowers.

Like a bunch of...

"COME ON YA PANSY!!"
Dink jumped in fright to find the Black knight standing before him, brandishing his two-handed sword of steel!

But it was only a hallucination. Mr. Smilestein, on the other hand, was very real and was holding a very sharp farm tool and looking rather violent . . .

But that hallucination gave way to a gray cat saying, "I can has cheezburger?" Which frightened Dink as he didn't know what a 'Cheezburger' was!

But it sounded to much like a large weiner for Smallwood's comfort

He suddenly woke up in his bed in a cold sweat, remembering the whole dream vividly right from the moment he first decided to polish his sword. He gave a sigh of relief but suddenly noticed that the person next to him was . . .

...a person next to him...

Tal.

"What're you doing here?" Dink asked. "Finishing a D-mod." Tal replied. "WTF is a D-mod?" Tal just smiled and vanished. "Screw the sword, I've got to find out what a 'D-mod' is..!"

Dink knew what he was must do. After many drinks to muster his courage, he went to the most terrifying place he could think of. The library.

After some hours of browsing the books there, Dink realised that before he could continue in this quest there was one thing he had to do - learn to read.

But that was too hard, so he planned to kidnap someone that would do the reading for him. Like the guy King Daniel had for reading . . .

out the king's issues to all the people. He remembered that the guy's name was Fred and he LOVED wearing banana bras stuffed with oranges. Dink quickly formulated a plan to lure Fred into his secret hideout with...

cheesecake and beer.

But Dink remembered that he didn't have a secret hideout. So he went over to that house that is always for sale and decided he would hunt down the (Possibly fictional) seller of the house and buy it from him to remodel into a secret base. He first decided to check the . . .

black house

but to get to the black house he would need to get a ...

MEDICCC!! because he suddenly realized that he was profusely bleeding from his...

blood... which is weird...

Dink says to himself "dang! I should'nt have tried to pet the pillbug just now, wondering if it would purr like a cat."
Then he remembers that Fred, the "king's issue reader", also works as a part time healer.

Dink was going to go to Fred then he saw a notice that said that he was needed by the king Dink desided to find a diferent healer and leave the country
he was wondering "i think that i should leave the planet as well i herd pluto is nice

But he realized this was the perfect time to sneak into the castle and kidnap King Daniel's official reader. So he entered the castle, clubbed the reader with a banana, put him in his inventory and quickly left the castle. In the cave of his first bonca enounter he tied up the reader and threatened to . . .

eat a banana in front of him

unless he browsed the library to find out what a D-mod was. Shocked at this was all he needed to do, the reader laughed so hard that he threw up and caused a cave-in to fall on him. Dink was no longer that curious about D-mods anyway so he went to get his sword repolished at . . .

his friends house...

then he noticed that he could dump the sword and get an axe or even more briliantly get magic

...But he didn't want to get magic because he would lose it in a few weeks, anyway...

so he decided to get both and his quest for the magic axe began at the ....

...Prancing Pony...

but not really, the axe was an illusion from the aftereffects of Mr. Smilestien's pot. He decided to go to rehab so he could stop the visions, but he just ended up in the middle of a drug ring within the rehab center and eventually managed to afford a sword that would polish itself (as strange as that sounded). So he took his auto-polish sword and went to fight some . . .

Castle knights. Boy were they annoying, always showing off their shiny armour!

thats why he killed them and fed them to a pillbug and disguised it as a turkey and made some on eat it

While Dink was tripping out on recently illegalized drugs, A keeper in the crumbling tower on Borea-Crag was discovering new principals of Mechanics and Engineering.

and made the first killer robot ''but there were killer robots on mystery island'' thought dink but then he realised that this was 300th message and knew that he must have gone back into the past

Right into Sparta! For he heard from over the next ridge...

I AM ... "DINK"

...
*coff* and...

THIS... IS... GOODHEART! Dink heard King Daniel scream from somewhere. (probably Goodheart)

Dink had a great idea and took the gourd he had (which he had dreamed about, making him wonder if the dream really happened,) and he lit it with a fireball. It blew up, causing King Daniel to scream until laryngitis overcame him.

Dink had unwittingly rediscovered the elusive Greek Fire, first wielded by...

dink

to kill a

(of all of the threads don't double post or edit on this one, if you get a new idea, too bad and wait for a response)

. . . was wielded by Dink for purposes of amplifying his chick-magnet traits.

I'n which grls from round the world came to polish his 'sword', which he let them.

(sorry earl)
but since dink's sword polished its self ther was no need
so he used it to

Make a porno. He and the self polishing sword became rich, but the sword developed an ego and fired Dink as his manager. So Dink...

told chaoticnight to shut it leave his life be

...so he used it to

Is this one of those 'Never ending stories'?

(Yes)

eat a sandwich. Dink was determined to become even more famous than the self polishing sword so he...

Closed this thread because it was getting entirely too long, but was fine with someone starting a new one.