The Dink Network

The Lost Boy (Part One)

January 30th 2006, 07:47 PM
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A very long long time ago there once was a boy named Lloyd and Lloyd loved to go and explore out in the woods. One day Lloyd was walking in the woods and stumbled across a little girl. "whats your name little girl?" Asked Lloyd. There was a look of shock in her eyes and she didnt reply. "Need I repeat myself?" Asked Lloyd. "What is your name?" The little girl didn't reply and Lloyd didn't think she should be out so far in the woods all alone. "Come with me and point me in the direction of where you live shall we?" Lloyd requested.

"I live in the forest though" The little girl said. "Why didn't you talk to me before?" Lloyd asked. "Well I havent seen anybody since that other little boy he went into my house and I made sure he did feel very welcome." Said the little girl. "How long ago was this?" Lloyd asked. "About three years ago his body is still in the house would you like to see it?" "No..No I must take my leave..." Lloyd said with a shiver.

Lloyd got home and nobody was there so he helped himself to a sandwich and a cup of tea. But as he looked outside he noticed something unusual. As he peeked through the window he saw the little girl that he met in the woods pacing back and forth. (something tells me that she is waiting for me to come back.) Thought Lloyd. He went outside.

"What do you want with me?" asked Lloyd "Don't make your parents worry about you." Lloyd said. "Oh my parents died long ago but i am still alive." said the little girl. "You live all alone in the woods? Don't you get lonely?" asked Lloyd. "No no I don't get lonely with Tim around." said the girl. "Who in the world is Tim?" asked Lloyd. "He is the body of the boy that went in my house nobody ever sees me except people who will stay and live in my house forever and your next." (Ill pick this up later.)

Thanks for reading the part one of The Lost Boy

Tell me if i did something wrong please or if you didnt like it...!
January 30th 2006, 08:30 PM
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A few grammatical errors... (wouldn't usually point them out, but since you're so pedantic ) The 'take my leave' comment sounds out of place 'cause the rest of the language isn't in a similar style, and uses contemporary vocab. Would like to see how it develops though... is it going to be scary?
January 30th 2006, 08:31 PM
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in some ways yes and thanks for the feedback i need to know what i do wrong when i write stories like that
January 30th 2006, 09:41 PM
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anybody else?
January 31st 2006, 12:00 AM
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come on people I want any type of feedback (grammer spelling word choice ect.) and if you read it at least say whether or not you liked it
January 31st 2006, 06:33 AM
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redink1
King He/Him United States bloop
A mother ducking wizard 
Right now it's one big clump o' text... which is fairly daunting to read. It is very easy to lose your place in such wilderness. I would recommend breaking it into a few paragraphs.
January 31st 2006, 02:30 PM
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carrie2004
Peasant She/Her Canada
*chomp* 
I liked the story, it was interesting.
January 31st 2006, 09:59 PM
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aight ill look into that redink and thx
February 23rd 2006, 05:40 PM
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nexus
Peasant He/Him
 
Isn't the story a bit creepy Planning to complete it??? Go ahead
May 7th 2006, 07:46 AM
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actually no im not going to finish it....
May 7th 2006, 08:40 AM
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DaVince
Peasant He/Him Netherlands
Olde Time Dinkere 
Continue this, please. It's nice.

(Also, don't post three times in a row at the same day, only saying that you need feedback.)
May 7th 2006, 09:35 AM
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Tal
Noble He/Him United States
Super Sexy Tal Pal 
Don't criticize someone for something they did months ago

(Actually I don't really care)
May 7th 2006, 11:09 AM
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DaVince
Peasant He/Him Netherlands
Olde Time Dinkere 
Hm? Oh.

I looked at the last post date, so assumed this still was new.
May 7th 2006, 10:11 PM
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Tal
Noble He/Him United States
Super Sexy Tal Pal 
Surprising, coming from the master of Post Bumping Criticisms.
May 8th 2006, 04:10 AM
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DaVince
Peasant He/Him Netherlands
Olde Time Dinkere 
It isn't THAT bad, right?