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Unless you're a celebrated author capable of setting writing trends, don't try to break conventions of the English language!
ExDeath is right with his example. Look at any work of fiction to see how to structure dialogue properly. Remember to paragraph break between different characters ALWAYS!
Too many commas as others have pointed out already. Use them far less unless you want your text to read like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. Don't use them instead of a conjecture such as "and", "but", or "or".
Jack Grimm knew he was being followed, that his pursuer was extremely dangerous.
There should be an "and" in this example rather than a comma.
I'm not saying that you should take the prologue out, I just think it would be better if it were rewritten in the past tense. I got a "What the hell is this?" kind of reaction from reading it due to it changing tenses. I'll give rewriting a shot.
"Why didn't I listen to what that crazy jerk said to me?" muttered the bearded man under his breath as he paused from running to wipe the perspiration from his brow and beard, which, usually bushy was now plastered to his face and neck with sweat. The trip through the dark forest was made all the more difficult after losing his shoe a few miles back exposing his foot to the thorns and roots of the undergrowth which quickly did their job of cutting away at his toes, causing fresh blood to appear over his socks which were already torn and caked with dried blood along with the rest of his clothes.
A twig snapped spinning him into a state of panic. He bolted like a jackrabbit, but alas as he stumbled through a large bush he stopped, fell to his knees and accepted his destiny. The large, gnarled creature approached him as the bearded man looked up to the full moon. He swore loudly before the beast delivered its mercy or final blow or something.
The case of Charles A. Ford would not be the last missing persons report filed in 1952. The continual disappearance of the townsfolk in the small logging village of Timber Falls over the following months would come to make outsiders wary, and cause it to receive the nickname, "Death Falls".
Keep the names. They are fine.
ExDeath is right with his example. Look at any work of fiction to see how to structure dialogue properly. Remember to paragraph break between different characters ALWAYS!
Too many commas as others have pointed out already. Use them far less unless you want your text to read like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. Don't use them instead of a conjecture such as "and", "but", or "or".
Jack Grimm knew he was being followed, that his pursuer was extremely dangerous.
There should be an "and" in this example rather than a comma.
I'm not saying that you should take the prologue out, I just think it would be better if it were rewritten in the past tense. I got a "What the hell is this?" kind of reaction from reading it due to it changing tenses. I'll give rewriting a shot.
"Why didn't I listen to what that crazy jerk said to me?" muttered the bearded man under his breath as he paused from running to wipe the perspiration from his brow and beard, which, usually bushy was now plastered to his face and neck with sweat. The trip through the dark forest was made all the more difficult after losing his shoe a few miles back exposing his foot to the thorns and roots of the undergrowth which quickly did their job of cutting away at his toes, causing fresh blood to appear over his socks which were already torn and caked with dried blood along with the rest of his clothes.
A twig snapped spinning him into a state of panic. He bolted like a jackrabbit, but alas as he stumbled through a large bush he stopped, fell to his knees and accepted his destiny. The large, gnarled creature approached him as the bearded man looked up to the full moon. He swore loudly before the beast delivered its mercy or final blow or something.
The case of Charles A. Ford would not be the last missing persons report filed in 1952. The continual disappearance of the townsfolk in the small logging village of Timber Falls over the following months would come to make outsiders wary, and cause it to receive the nickname, "Death Falls".
Keep the names. They are fine.
