Reply to Re: A story you wrote
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Okay, I've read the first few chapters. I must say, I like the content, it's witty and quite originally written. Having said that, you need to work on your grammar and punctuation. I see you're from the US, it shouldn't be a problem for you to try and improve some of your sentences if you put some time into them 
Of course, it's probably hard for you to notice these mistakes, since you think they're correct or you wouldn't have written it in such a way. So, I'll give you some examples of what could be improved:
Aside from some spelling mistakes, this sentence tries to do too much at once, at the cost of readability. It's not that any intelligent reader would have trouble understanding the meaning of what you're writing, but it takes effort to analyze it, perhaps a second read of a part of it. This is never good and breaks immersion. The reader should glide across the page, reveling in the clear structure that creates the world and characters that are part of the story. Again, you do this well from a content point of view though A rewrite of the sentence could be something like:
I split the sentence in two so that the two pieces of information you wish to convey are now each given a proper spot without vying for seperation markers: the commas. You can have a few commas in your sentence though, like in my second sentence, as long as they are about the same thing. A master writer could probably still pull off complicated sentences like your first one without sacrificing readability, but neither you nor I could do that I think
This is an example where the use of a comma isn't warranted. The simple way to fix it would be to remove the comma and the second use of "this town", but there are other ways to improve it. Two sentences might again make it better (there's a reason books are 300+ pages ), but think about how it could also be used in one sentence by moving the comma and putting the information in a different order. You have three pieces of information: the town's location, name and name origin. It could be improved as follows:
I don't want to assume too much, but is it possible that you're not an avid reader? It looks to me that you have the general touch of a writer with the potential of writing an enthralling story, but you're held back by a lack of experience. This experience needs to come from reading as well as writing. You've already started the writing part, now take your time and read a bunch of books (preferable of different genres and authors) and pay attention to the structure on both a macro and micro level. I think it could greatly improve your writing and I do believe you have the potential for it So, keep it up!^^
Of course, it's probably hard for you to notice these mistakes, since you think they're correct or you wouldn't have written it in such a way. So, I'll give you some examples of what could be improved:"Em?" Jack looked toward his daughter, now aged seventeen, and she looked away, her brown hair that hid half of her face revealed that is was pretty despite the use of make-up.
Aside from some spelling mistakes, this sentence tries to do too much at once, at the cost of readability. It's not that any intelligent reader would have trouble understanding the meaning of what you're writing, but it takes effort to analyze it, perhaps a second read of a part of it. This is never good and breaks immersion. The reader should glide across the page, reveling in the clear structure that creates the world and characters that are part of the story. Again, you do this well from a content point of view though
A rewrite of the sentence could be something like:"Em?" Jack looked toward his seventeen year old daughter, but she looked away. Her brown hair was covering half of her face, yet her natural beauty was still clearly visbile, despite of the layer of make-up clouding her pristine look.
I split the sentence in two so that the two pieces of information you wish to convey are now each given a proper spot without vying for seperation markers: the commas. You can have a few commas in your sentence though, like in my second sentence, as long as they are about the same thing. A master writer could probably still pull off complicated sentences like your first one without sacrificing readability, but neither you nor I could do that I think
Deep in a forest sat a remote town, this town was known as Timber Falls because it was once used by a logging company.
This is an example where the use of a comma isn't warranted. The simple way to fix it would be to remove the comma and the second use of "this town", but there are other ways to improve it. Two sentences might again make it better (there's a reason books are 300+ pages
), but think about how it could also be used in one sentence by moving the comma and putting the information in a different order. You have three pieces of information: the town's location, name and name origin. It could be improved as follows:Deep in the forest stood the remote town of Timber Falls, its name a remnant of the days when it was still a logging company.
I don't want to assume too much, but is it possible that you're not an avid reader? It looks to me that you have the general touch of a writer with the potential of writing an enthralling story, but you're held back by a lack of experience. This experience needs to come from reading as well as writing. You've already started the writing part, now take your time and read a bunch of books (preferable of different genres and authors) and pay attention to the structure on both a macro and micro level. I think it could greatly improve your writing and I do believe you have the potential for it
So, keep it up!^^
