what do you think?
as all of you may know, i started writing a book called 'The Amulet' months (maybe a year) ago, i finished the first draft two, or three, months ago. i re-read it and thought "this is crap! i can do way better!", so i re-wrote it, now i want you to read a small excerpt...
'I was standing in the direct sunlight, making the amulet look like it was glowing. I took a closer look at it, it was round, kinda flat, with a huge gemstone set into it. The stone looked like a cat's eye, surrounded by the strange glyphs. A small breeze blew past me, which was weird, because I was at least twenty below sea level. The amulet seemed to glow brighter and brighter, until I was engulfed by the light, the wind was fiercer then I have ever felt. Then, I was suddenly standing in a small town, I could tell I was in the place in my dreams. The Dragon-looking creatures were everywhere, they were walking around, they were talking to Human beings in a strange language. I screamed, everyone was staring at me, finaly noticing that I appeared out of thin air. A Dragon-creature ran up to me and said something in the foreign language. "Get away from me!"
I screamed, the Creature said something to me, its voice was calm. I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was, i was SO freaked out, that I could see the world spinning, "Leave me... alone..." I said as I fell to the ground...'
this is how Tristan Daniels's adventure begins, the place he was in before he transported to the town, was his archaeologist dad's dig site, a giant hole in the ground many football fields wide, that is all i will tell you. tell me what you think.
-krisknox
'I was standing in the direct sunlight, making the amulet look like it was glowing. I took a closer look at it, it was round, kinda flat, with a huge gemstone set into it. The stone looked like a cat's eye, surrounded by the strange glyphs. A small breeze blew past me, which was weird, because I was at least twenty below sea level. The amulet seemed to glow brighter and brighter, until I was engulfed by the light, the wind was fiercer then I have ever felt. Then, I was suddenly standing in a small town, I could tell I was in the place in my dreams. The Dragon-looking creatures were everywhere, they were walking around, they were talking to Human beings in a strange language. I screamed, everyone was staring at me, finaly noticing that I appeared out of thin air. A Dragon-creature ran up to me and said something in the foreign language. "Get away from me!"
I screamed, the Creature said something to me, its voice was calm. I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was, i was SO freaked out, that I could see the world spinning, "Leave me... alone..." I said as I fell to the ground...'
this is how Tristan Daniels's adventure begins, the place he was in before he transported to the town, was his archaeologist dad's dig site, a giant hole in the ground many football fields wide, that is all i will tell you. tell me what you think.
-krisknox
I think it could use better english techniques/ sentences of greater complexity... love the story though, plus, a good story bears the unique touch of its' author. But the Ancients reave your' besotted soul should your' tale emanate with the rancour stench of the mutation that they call "Twilight".
from what i gather from your... er... post, i wrote it like that, 'cuz im using dialogue you would normally hear today, there are some parts in the book with vampires, but most are the bad guys, and they usually try to kill the main characters. i know that you like to use... medival termonology. but I can't understand most of what you say! just PLZ! use regular termonology unless YOU are a vampire from medival times...
-krisknox
-krisknox
MWAAA! *plants alcohol-reeking kiss on krisknox' tender lil' cheeks* Have at thee! Avante garde, are you? I don't mind.
All I'm saying is that I, PERSONALLY think you could work on better linguistics - Eg. "I fell to the ground" - assuming he passed out, how would he know?!
"i was SO freaked out, that I could see the world spinning" - I reckon go with something more chilling - "Sheer terror struck me, the world seemed to spin from beneath me"
BUT as I said, it's YOUR' work. Let criticism be your' Stollen and Schnapps.
And yes, I do like IRREGULAR "TERMONOLOGY" from MEDIEVAL TIMES!
All I'm saying is that I, PERSONALLY think you could work on better linguistics - Eg. "I fell to the ground" - assuming he passed out, how would he know?!
"i was SO freaked out, that I could see the world spinning" - I reckon go with something more chilling - "Sheer terror struck me, the world seemed to spin from beneath me"
BUT as I said, it's YOUR' work. Let criticism be your' Stollen and Schnapps.
And yes, I do like IRREGULAR "TERMONOLOGY" from MEDIEVAL TIMES!
okay, first of all *wipes kiss off of face* im a guy who only wants girls kissing him, preferably naked.
secondly, you're right about the 'i fell to the ground' part, i could easily use, 'then, the world went black' or 'i passed out'
thirdly, now that i think about it, i could make it sound better...
and lastly, WTF is 'stollen and schnapps'?
secondly, you're right about the 'i fell to the ground' part, i could easily use, 'then, the world went black' or 'i passed out'
thirdly, now that i think about it, i could make it sound better...
and lastly, WTF is 'stollen and schnapps'?
1.) I can't say I'm a girl, but the naked part? I'll leave that to your' imagination 
2& 3.) I think it could be worked on. If you realize that, then you can put more originality in it than if someone else re-phrased it for you.
4.) Stollen
and
Schnapper-Fodder
2& 3.) I think it could be worked on. If you realize that, then you can put more originality in it than if someone else re-phrased it for you.
4.) Stollen
and
Schnapper-Fodder
ahhhh. i see. so its fruitcake and alchohol? noooooooooooo thank you!
A bit of a mummy's boy eh? Joking! "be your' stollen and schnapps" was a play on "be your' bread and wine" ie. essentials/ basis
