The Dink Network

My first thoughts on this story were something like: "this is interesting, but she should learn how to write formally." Then I realized that if Redink wrote this, I'd probably get bored... so the writing style must be pretty good.

It really does seem like a personal account... the setup especially. Real life tends to have more characters and such than fiction, and you've captured that nicely. Also, the tension builds *exactly* as it would in real life, or at least as close to life as I've ever seen. It reminded me of 9/11.

My only suggestion would be that you ought to avoid details in describing the monster(s?). "Claws" are scarier than "almost lobster-like claws."

Overall, this is definitely a good story.

Hmm... this started out good, but I don't like the turn it's taken. Everything leading up to this point was good. The setup and suspense were quite well done up to this point where... I am underwhelmed. A lobster creature? It just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it would be more frightening if I felt more connected to the characters, but ever since that switch from 1st to 3rd person, the story has felt less real, which was its main strong point. It sounded as though someone was actually relating a real life experience. It's near-believability made it interesting and the switch from 1st to 3rd and the lobster thing broke that.

If you want some kind of creature, maybe you could try to do some research into types people have 'seen' before and base it off that lore.

Ugh... I can't go on reading without another banana...

I guessed where it was going, but I was still kind of hoping that it wouldn't.

Cthulhu, the li'lest elder god has awoken wants his banana juice!

I think that a crustacean monster is a little out of place in a forest scene. But that is not much of an issue and I think the story could continue perfectly well with it. As it is, I am bursting with anticipation for untitled-V. Your writing is so good if it were put into a collection of short stories you would of thought it was written by a professional author.
EDIT
I also think that the switch from first to third person was unneccesary and that IS a major flaw.

Well, a switch from first to third can be done well, but here it was very abrupt.

I was very attracted to the story - and I'll put this truthfully - until this part. The monster was very random and poorly-described, and it seems out-of-place. I expect it will get better, but that was strange.

I'm still wondering why Mack used his second clip when he saw the first one did no good, considering he apparently thinks of everything?

Thank you barnaby. woohoo. Now I know ya'll will be surprised and that's what I was going for. But I also don't want the reading audience to be put off so I have revised the description and as said above, have changed back to first person except for a certain part. Maybe. I'm not really crazy about it and might change it again.
Barnaby thank you for the kind words. Much appreciated and Very encouraging. I wasn't sure I should try this. Redink might shoot me for blabbing on.

Merlin, you're absolutely right about not describing the monster in full and that was on purpose. It's called a 'lead-on' or 'teaser'. But I seemed to have made the reader disappointed instead which is bad juju. But I will give you the next portion later tonight and you will see how I am tying it into the story. That part might or might not work either but we will see.
And Mack will explain the continued shooting to Sarah and his objectives. One question, merlin? You said....
"considering he apparently thinks of everything?"
Is Mack coming across too perfect? He will end up not being as perfect as he has sounded but maybe I should let something slip loose a little earlier than intended?
Mack really does have a surprise for Sarah but I didn't want to unveil too early.
Thanks oh mighty wizard.