Vin Diesel Jokes
Move over Chuck Norris jokes, Vin Diesel Jokes are here.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.
When Vin Diesel gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Duck you, team.
When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the duck down.
Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some kitty who can't climb up a plastic slide.
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound.
Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his she dog.
Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home."
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.
When Vin Diesel gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Duck you, team.
When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the duck down.
Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some kitty who can't climb up a plastic slide.
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound.
Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his she dog.
Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home."
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel."
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant.
Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Vin Diesel, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
Vin Diesel impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round,
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death.
Vin Diesel's daily schedule goes as follows:
- Ride dirt bike through flaming hoop and appear badass
- Do something badass
- Wake Up
- Eat something badass
- Nap
- Watch The Price is Right
- Say cool one liner
- Throw cigarette in slow motion into Gas-covered bad guy
- Sleep in pit of snakes
When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.
When Vin Diesel talks about "pumping iron," he's actually referring to masturbation.
Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart.
Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
Nobody appreciates pacifism more than Vin Diesel, and if you don't believe him, he'll tear your kidneys out. Nobody appreciates irony more than Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his rod in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ducking another.
Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck."
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Vin Diesel survived abortion.
When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Vin Diesel a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-duck your daughter.
Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.
Vin Diesel had a little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Vin Diesel went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal.
Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shoot themselves.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel."
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant.
Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Vin Diesel, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
Vin Diesel impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round,
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death.
Vin Diesel's daily schedule goes as follows:
- Ride dirt bike through flaming hoop and appear badass
- Do something badass
- Wake Up
- Eat something badass
- Nap
- Watch The Price is Right
- Say cool one liner
- Throw cigarette in slow motion into Gas-covered bad guy
- Sleep in pit of snakes
When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.
When Vin Diesel talks about "pumping iron," he's actually referring to masturbation.
Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart.
Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
Nobody appreciates pacifism more than Vin Diesel, and if you don't believe him, he'll tear your kidneys out. Nobody appreciates irony more than Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his rod in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ducking another.
Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck."
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Vin Diesel survived abortion.
When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Vin Diesel a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-duck your daughter.
Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.
Vin Diesel had a little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Vin Diesel went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal.
Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shoot themselves.
Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
Weeping Willows are a result of Vin Diesel yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.
The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Vin Diesel. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock.
If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Vin Diesel has been known to ridicule Jesus for taking 3 days to rise from the dead.
Vin Diesel irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
Fool Vin Diesel once, shame on you; fool him twice, he will use your spine as dental floss.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Vin Diesel. They owe him $5.
Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.
The French did not send the Statue of Liberty to the United States as a sign of peace. They just wanted to see if Vin Diesel could duck a 300 foot tall copper woman.
Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.
And on the Eighth day, God created Vin Diesel...and ran the duck away in fear of what he had done.
Weeping Willows are a result of Vin Diesel yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.
The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Vin Diesel. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock.
If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Vin Diesel has been known to ridicule Jesus for taking 3 days to rise from the dead.
Vin Diesel irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
Fool Vin Diesel once, shame on you; fool him twice, he will use your spine as dental floss.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Vin Diesel. They owe him $5.
Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.
The French did not send the Statue of Liberty to the United States as a sign of peace. They just wanted to see if Vin Diesel could duck a 300 foot tall copper woman.
Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.
And on the Eighth day, God created Vin Diesel...and ran the duck away in fear of what he had done.
You are only allowed to tell Vin Diesel jokes, if Chuck Norris approves it. <- Chuck Norris -fact.
Have to admit Godley I laughed at this - Chuck is so overrated aye 
You can pretty much replace "Vin Diesel" with "Chuck Norris" in many, if not all, of those statements. 
Chuck Norris is a pansy! At least Vin looks tough.
"You can pretty much replace "Vin Diesel" with "Chuck Norris" in many, if not all, of those statements. "
Or with "Quiztis the Man" for that matter!
Or with "Quiztis the Man" for that matter!
It's a shame I can't understand a thing he says.
Chuck Norris is a pansy! At least Vin looks tough.
Yeah, Chuck doesn't look tough. He looks so handsome the universe constantly moves to avoid watching him in the eyes and turning homosexual.
Yeah, Chuck doesn't look tough. He looks so handsome the universe constantly moves to avoid watching him in the eyes and turning homosexual.
Reminds me of probably the longest post in TDN history. I've never had the time or patience to read trough it...
Yeah, VaultDweller's posted rarely, but when he did, he provided one full day of reading lol. Wonder what he's up to nowadays?
Wonder what he's up to nowadays?
Probably writing his next post.
Probably writing his next post.
(Look up some of his stories if you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm too lazy to find a link.)
