Reply to Re: I am Shameless: The Nomad Sequence
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[Disclaimer lol] Fec forgive me - what started as a few random comments has ended up a wall of text - take from it what you will and disregard the rest 
Showing atmosphere, what your character is like, surroundings etc is always better told through your characters actions IMHO than stating exactly what you want to convey. I think you are trying to tell too much and not trusting the reader to use their imagination. Use your descriptive phrases but use them to move the story forward, rather than making us stop to digest these delights. Theyre good but disrupt the flow a bit.
Some early examples of what I mean
1. Annah winced as the cold air bit at her skin
2. Peering out the window, she saw the tram had left behind the brasswork district and would soon be arriving at her stop.
3. She departed at Scarlet Street, stepping out of the carriage and onto the icy cobbles once more.
You are stating
its cold
shes peering out the window
she will soon would be there ,
she disembarked and theres ice on the cobble stones so its not just cold - its really cold.
I am not sure why we need to know it left the brasswork district unless it has relevance later on in the story. I would remove information we don’t need if this is a short story and embellish to add it better if it’s a longer story and we are creating a picture of where she is.
Those are relatively short snappy sentences and are ok if used sparingly to make a point or make the reader sit up and think Oohhh... but to keep your story flowing and add in details you want them to notice, think about adding it to what your characters sees and does, their actions and speech.
Some examples of what I mean:
Pressed against the small/round/ small/dirty/gleaming/misty/ice caked whatever window Annah peered out the she watched as the labyrinth of small shops and cluttered markets that was Scarlet Street, come slowly into view. (If you want you can have it shudder to a stop or throw her forward etc shows what the tram shes riding on is like, old/new/supersonic) She rose, nodded her thanks to the driver, then drew in her breath and forced herself to cling to the grimy handrail as she stepped gingerly from the tram. At the last step she placed her tiny feet carefully down onto the cobbled stones making sure the ground was firm beneath her before carefully releasing her grip. Distastefully swiping her hand on her worn coat she looked up and exhaled, she had made it! Noticing her breath had turned into a soft mist that swirled around her pink face she bent her head, tugged her coat closer and strode purposefully… blah blah
Now this tells you
size (tram window) so maybe its cramped or whatever (shows atmosphere)
shes at her destination and it’s a labyrinth of shops and stuff and cluttered makes me think of stuff everywhere.
Shes polite (nodding to the driver)
doesn’t like pain or has no time to get hurt so she doesnt wanna slip but shes resolute in her determination to get off there (holding the gross rail against her better judgement)
her feet are tiny so gives an impression of a slight girl
her coat is old so maybe she cant afford a new one (tells of her status)
you could have her pluck at the threads (trying to hide the worn bit this shows shes embarrassed about her situation)
Its still cold because her breath is misting the air when she exhales
she strode off with a purpose (so now I have to read on to find out what shes there for .. I wanna know I do I do heh
While this may be way too much description for what you are writing, it can be shorter and snappier and still convey and give impressions rather than state and dictate how the reader sees everything. They will imagine your character, build a picture and connect with them better and if you do that, they will wanna know what happens to this character and so will read on.
Another short one
She saw that his trade-sign – a giant copper....
She frowned at the sign, (shows she cares as well as theres something wrong and so on)
groaning she noticed (oh dear its happened before and shes sick of it)
Maybe she picks it up and stacks it against the wall just looking and shaking her head without something more doesn’t show her character unless you want her to be seen as unfeeling
Seeing who it was, Laurence ……
Squinting up at her Laurences’s eyes danced with delight as he recognised his daughter… and so on – shows of their relationship, maybe his eyes narrow (hes wondering what she wants from him ) etc etc
The extent you do the above to depends entirely on your story and its length and you may totally disagree hehe in the end its your story ps
I am enjoying reading these ! Some of your words are sheer delight to read eg: Was starting to think my bones would be coated in frost before I saw a Summer again coated in frost thats awesome! You are bringing up things we have no idea about too - but i find it confusing not useful - maybe explain a bit of back story in a couple of sentences shes just remembering about clocks then his livestock is dying? Its a little disjointed still, you know the story but we dont...
Showing atmosphere, what your character is like, surroundings etc is always better told through your characters actions IMHO than stating exactly what you want to convey. I think you are trying to tell too much and not trusting the reader to use their imagination. Use your descriptive phrases but use them to move the story forward, rather than making us stop to digest these delights. Theyre good but disrupt the flow a bit.
Some early examples of what I mean
1. Annah winced as the cold air bit at her skin
2. Peering out the window, she saw the tram had left behind the brasswork district and would soon be arriving at her stop.
3. She departed at Scarlet Street, stepping out of the carriage and onto the icy cobbles once more.
You are stating
its cold
shes peering out the window
she will soon would be there ,
she disembarked and theres ice on the cobble stones so its not just cold - its really cold.
I am not sure why we need to know it left the brasswork district unless it has relevance later on in the story. I would remove information we don’t need if this is a short story and embellish to add it better if it’s a longer story and we are creating a picture of where she is.
Those are relatively short snappy sentences and are ok if used sparingly to make a point or make the reader sit up and think Oohhh... but to keep your story flowing and add in details you want them to notice, think about adding it to what your characters sees and does, their actions and speech.
Some examples of what I mean:
Pressed against the small/round/ small/dirty/gleaming/misty/ice caked whatever window Annah peered out the she watched as the labyrinth of small shops and cluttered markets that was Scarlet Street, come slowly into view. (If you want you can have it shudder to a stop or throw her forward etc shows what the tram shes riding on is like, old/new/supersonic) She rose, nodded her thanks to the driver, then drew in her breath and forced herself to cling to the grimy handrail as she stepped gingerly from the tram. At the last step she placed her tiny feet carefully down onto the cobbled stones making sure the ground was firm beneath her before carefully releasing her grip. Distastefully swiping her hand on her worn coat she looked up and exhaled, she had made it! Noticing her breath had turned into a soft mist that swirled around her pink face she bent her head, tugged her coat closer and strode purposefully… blah blah
Now this tells you
size (tram window) so maybe its cramped or whatever (shows atmosphere)
shes at her destination and it’s a labyrinth of shops and stuff and cluttered makes me think of stuff everywhere.
Shes polite (nodding to the driver)
doesn’t like pain or has no time to get hurt so she doesnt wanna slip but shes resolute in her determination to get off there (holding the gross rail against her better judgement)
her feet are tiny so gives an impression of a slight girl
her coat is old so maybe she cant afford a new one (tells of her status)
you could have her pluck at the threads (trying to hide the worn bit this shows shes embarrassed about her situation)
Its still cold because her breath is misting the air when she exhales
she strode off with a purpose (so now I have to read on to find out what shes there for .. I wanna know I do I do heh
While this may be way too much description for what you are writing, it can be shorter and snappier and still convey and give impressions rather than state and dictate how the reader sees everything. They will imagine your character, build a picture and connect with them better and if you do that, they will wanna know what happens to this character and so will read on.
Another short one
She saw that his trade-sign – a giant copper....
She frowned at the sign, (shows she cares as well as theres something wrong and so on)
groaning she noticed (oh dear its happened before and shes sick of it)
Maybe she picks it up and stacks it against the wall just looking and shaking her head without something more doesn’t show her character unless you want her to be seen as unfeeling
Seeing who it was, Laurence ……
Squinting up at her Laurences’s eyes danced with delight as he recognised his daughter… and so on – shows of their relationship, maybe his eyes narrow (hes wondering what she wants from him ) etc etc
The extent you do the above to depends entirely on your story and its length and you may totally disagree hehe in the end its your story ps
I am enjoying reading these ! Some of your words are sheer delight to read eg: Was starting to think my bones would be coated in frost before I saw a Summer again coated in frost thats awesome! You are bringing up things we have no idea about too - but i find it confusing not useful - maybe explain a bit of back story in a couple of sentences shes just remembering about clocks then his livestock is dying? Its a little disjointed still, you know the story but we dont... 
