The Dink Network

Addeville Blues: Part Deus

April 11th 2005, 07:40 PM
NOTE: before reading, be sure to read the first part.

Dr. Miles was heavily confused. He debated between himself where he should go. The police. Yes, the police. He knew they would likely dismiss him as lying, but he decided not to focus on it.

It was nighttime, at least 8:00 PM. Dr. Miles fumbled around his keychain to find the key to his Oldsmobile. He got inside the Alero, and pulled out of the parking lot. The ride home was quiet.

Addeville Institution is about 1 and a half miles out of town. Dr. Miles seemed to have no obstacles on the road due to the low level of traffic. Addeville was a town of about 6,000 people, nevertheless bustling. He was rather surprised at the sight of yellow police tape and several bloodstains on the ground. More surprising, however, were that there were no corpses or officers.

Winston Miles, in all of his career, had never seen anything like what he was about to see. A figure clearly alive, but still void of any though, stood on the roadside. He stopped, figuring it was some hitch hiker and asked if needed a ride. It lurched forward and tried to rip off Dr. Mile's face. He tried to keep the figure back by delivering two blows to its head. It grabbed Winston's arm and tore apart the flesh.

With unbearable pain, Dr. Miles drove off. For a few seconds, the figure dragged along with the car until it slid off (leaving several splatters of blood). Winston tore off a piece of his pant leg and wrapped it around his wound while he was pulled over. He wondered if he should see a doctor about it.

Suddenly several more people surrounded the car. They were like the other Winston encountered, living, but void of thought. They started to close in on him. One smashed the window and reached in trying to grab him, but Winston floored it. He hit one in the process, leaving a bloodstain on the windshield and a gash on the victim. Dr. Miles grew more worried as he progressed.

There were no one on the streets (excluding the dead-ish figures). Winston quickly made the decision to keep driving until he reached the neighboring city, Whitewood.

About two blocks away from the city hall, Winston's car hit a lightpole. He was driving excessively fast, and he lost control. He was fine healthwise, except a large scratch on his other arm from knocking into the interior. The car wouldn't start.

Winston's mind went blank. He recalled (in a very fast manner) the events that occurred a few hours ago. The gruesome scenes that disturbed him to the point that it made him cringe.

Dr. Mile's train of thought was interrupted by footsteps. Someone began walking towards the library (where the car broke down by). He was dressed in a white shirt and black pants. He had black hair. Winston snuck out of the car and hid in the bushes as he walked by. He was walking into the library. As this happened, he overheard,
"Sorry, we're closed."
"Let me in!"
"I can't, you might be one of them!"
"Let me in you bloody fellow!"
Next, Winston heard a gunshot. The man (clearly not under the influence of whatever the other people in the city were) smashed his fist through the glass and unlocked the door.

Winston stammered, trying to figure out what to do. He began to think, "Probably just a friendly neighbor. The librarian must have fired a gun to break the lock! Yes, that's what happened!" He walked up to the door.

"Umm, excuse me good sir-" Winston realized that he had no excuse to take refuge in the library. "I think I left my pocket watch in here the other day. Do you mind if I check the lost and found?" Winston soon remembered he DID lose his pocketwatch (either in the library or at the park, he wasn't sure) the other day. This troubled him.

"What the hell are you: stupid? Get in here!" the voice commanded.
April 11th 2005, 08:48 PM
King Male United States xbox steam bloop
A mother ducking wizard 
Just a thought: at least a day-or-so has passed since the whole place went crazy, right? Surely someone would have noticed something odd going on, even if it was just a newspaper delivery guy or relative stopping by. Assuming they were slaughtered, what about friends/family of them?

5th paragraph was confusing... how did the zombie attempt to eat Winston's face? Did he open the door and step out of the car while it was idling? I assumed it was on the passenger's side... did it walk around to the driver's side, or did Winston get out and walk around?

'Mad fury' seems like an odd term to describe how one would feel when your flesh has been torn off.

Paragraph 7, again, how are these zombies grabbing him, assuming he's still in the car?

Overall: I think you need more concrete descriptions of specific events and emotions. Right now everything seems very generalized to the point where it is difficult to visualize what is going on.

I like this part more than Part 1, though. Before I was just confused with all of the various characters and what their motivations could be, and it was much more condensed here.

Seems sort of like Resident Evil.
April 11th 2005, 11:12 PM
I strongly dislike this story in so many ways that it wouldn't be constructive for me to say anything.
April 11th 2005, 11:47 PM
I've made some changes to the story, hopefully answering some concerns. In response to how the zombies reached in the car, the window was open (now that I think of it, I should of made it more clear). In response to Winston's face getting torn off, it didn't happen. It says the zombies tried to eat his face. I also liked the way that Dr. Miles was rather clueless to what's going on around him, so added a little bit of that in. It's kind of like a mix between Resident Evil and Half Life .