"Pinocchio: Master Of Puppets"
I did this as a sophomore adv. English essay type thing. Enjoy.
The cover I turned in for it.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a man. He wasn't wealthy and he definitely wasn't popular, but everyday the children would come to his shop to look at the newest toys he made. "Geppetto! What do you have to show us today?" The little ones would cry.
"Today is a very special day indeed. Gather 'round, gather 'round. Hurry now children and open your eyes. See the wonderful thing I have created for you today. "Geppetto gathered the children around a large wooden pedestal. There was a small figure hardly bigger than an infant child resting upon it.
"What is that? Is it...alive?" One child questioned slowly.
"Yes! I have brought life to a toy. It has always been my ultimate goal. Now I have performed the last rites of the final ritual. Bow down children! Submit yourselves to me and my minion! Allow us to devour your souls!" The children ran toward the door, but as they drew near Pinocchio slammed it shut. From behind the children heard an odd chanting sound. It was Geppetto! He was doing something!
"We're all going to die!" Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. Suddenly the house they were in disappeared. Nothing but darkness surrounded them.
"I hope you're not afraid of the dark!" Geppetto mocked at the children. The poor kids didn't know what to do. They had never been in such a situation. Things like this didn't even happen in scary books that their fathers would read to them.
"We're all going to die!" Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. A light began to form off in the distance. It began to grow brighter and brighter until the children could no longer stand it.
"Where is that light coming from?" Asked one of the children.
"It's as bright as the sun itself!" Exclaimed another. Though as bright as the light was, it put off no heat. The light slowly began to waver, before finally disappearing as quickly as it came. The darkness around them began to take shape. It was changing right in front of them. Walls began to appear, and the ceilings, even a floor. Figures sat in small little desks, going about their lesson.
"That's our school!" Said one of the children.
"That's our teacher!" Another child shouted.
"That's...that's me." Exclaimed another in a half audible voice.
"You are now going to watch as each and every one of your friends dies right in front of you!" Geppetto said in a stern tone.
"We're all going to die." Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. Each of the children stood perfectly still staring at their own personal seat in the classroom. They couldn't look away. They were no longer in possession of their own bodies. Out of the corner of one child's eye he noticed something out of place. He quickly disregarded it for he was next in line to die. As he witnessed the image of himself fall out of the chair, he too hit the ground. Before he hit, he felt the oddest thing. It was like when one rides a roller coaster, the feeling of the gut jumping up into your stomach. Only something was missing. A part of him was removed. The last thing his senses picked up was the sound of his own head shattering against the hard stone floor. All of the remaining children shared a similar fate.
The darkness returned. The only sight was that of lifeless bodies resting in a perfect line with their eyes wide open, staring at their seat in the classroom. Geppetto turned to leave but was caught off guard when the darkness began to form into a new shape. It changed back into his old shop. The shop in which he had created many toys for the children to play with. He himself loved his puppets the most. He felt in power when he played with them. With the tug of a string he could make the puppets do whatever he wanted.
"Ah, Pinocchio. You've done well." As Geppetto turned to walk away he noticed his legs no longer worked. He tried to move his arms, but they too failed to respond. His eyes were drawn to a familiar figure piddling away at a wooden block. It was him. He was looking at himself. He tried to turn away, but he no longer controlled any part of his body. Above him, the old man noticed there was a shadowy figure holding some sort of sticks. They were cross shaped and small, clear strings were attached near the four corners. Every movement the figure made with the sticks Geppetto body did as well. The figure walked Geppetto over to the image of himself. Geppetto knew what was to come next. His arms slowly reached for the drill bit used for carving eyes on his innocent toys. Though he tried to resist, he picked up the bit and jammed it into his images eye. He cried, for it was him who felt the pain. Again and again he stabbed the image until his body no longer possessed life.
"Pinocchio...why?" Slowly the walls faded away. The ceilings and floor returned to the darkness from which they appeared. The animated puppet drew near the bodies of the children.
"You're all dead!" He cried to the little ones.
"You're souls have been devoured!" He cried to the bigger ones.
"There was no escape!" He cried to the biggest ones. Slowly he too faded into the darkness, never to be heard of again.
The cover I turned in for it.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a man. He wasn't wealthy and he definitely wasn't popular, but everyday the children would come to his shop to look at the newest toys he made. "Geppetto! What do you have to show us today?" The little ones would cry.
"Today is a very special day indeed. Gather 'round, gather 'round. Hurry now children and open your eyes. See the wonderful thing I have created for you today. "Geppetto gathered the children around a large wooden pedestal. There was a small figure hardly bigger than an infant child resting upon it.
"What is that? Is it...alive?" One child questioned slowly.
"Yes! I have brought life to a toy. It has always been my ultimate goal. Now I have performed the last rites of the final ritual. Bow down children! Submit yourselves to me and my minion! Allow us to devour your souls!" The children ran toward the door, but as they drew near Pinocchio slammed it shut. From behind the children heard an odd chanting sound. It was Geppetto! He was doing something!
"We're all going to die!" Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. Suddenly the house they were in disappeared. Nothing but darkness surrounded them.
"I hope you're not afraid of the dark!" Geppetto mocked at the children. The poor kids didn't know what to do. They had never been in such a situation. Things like this didn't even happen in scary books that their fathers would read to them.
"We're all going to die!" Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. A light began to form off in the distance. It began to grow brighter and brighter until the children could no longer stand it.
"Where is that light coming from?" Asked one of the children.
"It's as bright as the sun itself!" Exclaimed another. Though as bright as the light was, it put off no heat. The light slowly began to waver, before finally disappearing as quickly as it came. The darkness around them began to take shape. It was changing right in front of them. Walls began to appear, and the ceilings, even a floor. Figures sat in small little desks, going about their lesson.
"That's our school!" Said one of the children.
"That's our teacher!" Another child shouted.
"That's...that's me." Exclaimed another in a half audible voice.
"You are now going to watch as each and every one of your friends dies right in front of you!" Geppetto said in a stern tone.
"We're all going to die." Cried the little ones.
"Our souls will be devoured!" Cried the bigger ones.
"We have to escape!" Cried the biggest ones. Each of the children stood perfectly still staring at their own personal seat in the classroom. They couldn't look away. They were no longer in possession of their own bodies. Out of the corner of one child's eye he noticed something out of place. He quickly disregarded it for he was next in line to die. As he witnessed the image of himself fall out of the chair, he too hit the ground. Before he hit, he felt the oddest thing. It was like when one rides a roller coaster, the feeling of the gut jumping up into your stomach. Only something was missing. A part of him was removed. The last thing his senses picked up was the sound of his own head shattering against the hard stone floor. All of the remaining children shared a similar fate.
The darkness returned. The only sight was that of lifeless bodies resting in a perfect line with their eyes wide open, staring at their seat in the classroom. Geppetto turned to leave but was caught off guard when the darkness began to form into a new shape. It changed back into his old shop. The shop in which he had created many toys for the children to play with. He himself loved his puppets the most. He felt in power when he played with them. With the tug of a string he could make the puppets do whatever he wanted.
"Ah, Pinocchio. You've done well." As Geppetto turned to walk away he noticed his legs no longer worked. He tried to move his arms, but they too failed to respond. His eyes were drawn to a familiar figure piddling away at a wooden block. It was him. He was looking at himself. He tried to turn away, but he no longer controlled any part of his body. Above him, the old man noticed there was a shadowy figure holding some sort of sticks. They were cross shaped and small, clear strings were attached near the four corners. Every movement the figure made with the sticks Geppetto body did as well. The figure walked Geppetto over to the image of himself. Geppetto knew what was to come next. His arms slowly reached for the drill bit used for carving eyes on his innocent toys. Though he tried to resist, he picked up the bit and jammed it into his images eye. He cried, for it was him who felt the pain. Again and again he stabbed the image until his body no longer possessed life.
"Pinocchio...why?" Slowly the walls faded away. The ceilings and floor returned to the darkness from which they appeared. The animated puppet drew near the bodies of the children.
"You're all dead!" He cried to the little ones.
"You're souls have been devoured!" He cried to the bigger ones.
"There was no escape!" He cried to the biggest ones. Slowly he too faded into the darkness, never to be heard of again.
Please add in some extra spaces between the lines (Rule 6). It is very hard to read when it is all clumped together.
Scaryyy! I loved Pinocchio when I was a kid. You've twisted and perverted him. I like it! 
I don't see anything wrong with this story. A sentence structure not quite right or a slight grammatical error. Not worth mentioning. My stories are full of them. Argg!
The story itself started out strong. The ending seemed a little weak. It's probably just me tho. Everyone to their own.
Thank you for sharing a really neat story with us. I love reading the imagenings of others.
Imagenings?? Ah heck. I'm too tired to look it up. Work in the morning and all. Night.
I don't see anything wrong with this story. A sentence structure not quite right or a slight grammatical error. Not worth mentioning. My stories are full of them. Argg!
The story itself started out strong. The ending seemed a little weak. It's probably just me tho. Everyone to their own.
Thank you for sharing a really neat story with us. I love reading the imagenings of others.
Imagenings?? Ah heck. I'm too tired to look it up. Work in the morning and all. Night.
Why do the little ones cry in the beginning?
How did Pinnochio get to the door?
Other than that... very interesting I'm not sure why they see themselves die in the place that they spend the most time, but eh, not really important.
The only real recommendation I have is to maybe consolidate the little ones, the bigger ones, and the biggest ones into seperate characters: one little one, one bigger one, and one biggest one. It seems like you're sort of going for a fairy-tale-like thing though, so that might not be the effect you're looking for.
There don't seem to be that many concrete interesting images either, but I didn't miss them until trying to think of things 'wrong' with it.
How did Pinnochio get to the door?
Other than that... very interesting
I'm not sure why they see themselves die in the place that they spend the most time, but eh, not really important.The only real recommendation I have is to maybe consolidate the little ones, the bigger ones, and the biggest ones into seperate characters: one little one, one bigger one, and one biggest one. It seems like you're sort of going for a fairy-tale-like thing though, so that might not be the effect you're looking for.
There don't seem to be that many concrete interesting images either, but I didn't miss them until trying to think of things 'wrong' with it.
Desert Girl. Thank you for your review and words of wisdom. I am glad you liked it and I hope you can read and enjoy future pieces I may submit. Thank you and goodluck with your stressful work schedule.
Cloudnaeris
Cloudnaeris
I see what you're getting at...
To clear things up a little, the assignment was, "Find a fairy tale story, make it your own and change the: perspective, ending, day and age, characters, and/or meaning.
I took it, since I like dark things, and changed a simple childrens book into something a little more sinister. I didn't take the actual "Pinocchio" story. I just wrote my own version. I figure I would do the, "Little ones, big ones, biggest ones," as somewhat of a running gag. Keep it flowing to a maximium of three times.
Your question, "How did Pinnochio get to the door?"
Being a fairy tale type story, and by far fictional even to those standards, it was more of a super natural occurence. He is a magical figure, so it would make sense for him to be able to bend the rules of physics a little. But thank you for the insight and for future writings I will keep such a thing in mind.
Thanks for the time taken to read and critique this piece of literature. I appreciate any and all comments.
Cloudnaeris
To clear things up a little, the assignment was, "Find a fairy tale story, make it your own and change the: perspective, ending, day and age, characters, and/or meaning.
I took it, since I like dark things, and changed a simple childrens book into something a little more sinister. I didn't take the actual "Pinocchio" story. I just wrote my own version. I figure I would do the, "Little ones, big ones, biggest ones," as somewhat of a running gag. Keep it flowing to a maximium of three times.
Your question, "How did Pinnochio get to the door?"
Being a fairy tale type story, and by far fictional even to those standards, it was more of a super natural occurence. He is a magical figure, so it would make sense for him to be able to bend the rules of physics a little. But thank you for the insight and for future writings I will keep such a thing in mind.
Thanks for the time taken to read and critique this piece of literature. I appreciate any and all comments.
Cloudnaeris
Aye, I assumed it was supernatural, but I had to first think 'What, I thought Pinochio was on the other side of the room?' and figure out that it wasn't a lapse in continuity, but rather something like teleportation. I guess it would be clearer if you put something like 'but as they drew near Pinocchio suddenly appeared and slammed it shut'. Hmm, that doesn't flow as well as I thought it would.
