The Dink Network

Wrote a horror themed story. Comments?

December 26th 2011, 12:10 AM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
"A gentle wind blew past me as I opened my eyes.
I was standing, the darkness of my room an absolute sea of black.
Was I in my room? Perhaps I was in another world, or maybe I was in a dream.
I listened closely. I heard my soft breathing and slowed my breath. Nothing. Then, a dripping sound.
Was it the Kitchen sink? Was it water dripping off a stalactite in an empty cave?
'Where... am I?' I asked myself. I took a step forward, suddenly aware of the soft, yet moist, floor.
I was barefoot. 'Who am I?' I asked suddenly. I knew that in popular culture this would be called Amnesia.
But amnesia was an inability to remember recent events.
'I'm intelligent.' I thought as I took a step forward. Was I in a bedroom, or a cave?
'Priorities.' I thought as I took a silent step forward. 'Location, Orientation, then Identity.'

It was a simple plan. I knelt down and felt the floor.
The floor was very malleable, I could easily tear it apart. Inside I felt worms and bugs of various design.
My stomach growled. 'I'm hungry.' I thought while considering the bugs.
Many were edible, while others were poisonous. Some could cause disease within my body.
'This is a cave.' I thought. A thought occured to me. A blind man's other senses were heightened in compensation for loss of sight.
'Perhaps I am blind, and this cave is well lit.' I thought. I made a click sound and the outlines of various shapes and crevices came to me.
I had 'sight'. I turned around and clicked again. I achieved a similar result. I faced my original direction and saw a subtle light.
I had Sight. I walked forward softly and slowly, clicking when needed. The air went past me once more, drawing me in the direction I walked.

Something clattered against my foot. I bent down and picked the object up.
It was a flashlight. I turned it on, procuring a powerful beam of light.
'If this were a horror game, the light would be weak.' My mind said.
I smiled softly as I walked forward, keeping my light in front of me.
Soon enough, I came to a large cavern. In the center was a large stalagmite.
(Or stalactite, I could never remember which was the one that extended from the floor up.)
Of the stala(ct/gm)ite there were strange symbols that hurt my eyes to look at.
I was aware of a strange song that hurt my ears to hear.
Men in black robes entered the cavern, singing the strange song, through various entrances and exits.
I heard some bits in what came to my ears as English.
"No bells toll for us, nor they do toll for our dead! Cast aside from light..."
The rest transitioned into the hurtful language.

However, I noted the appearance of the men.
They all were blind, their eyes gouged out and filled with wax.
They were deaf, their ears burnt severely and filled with wax.
They could not smell, for their noses were corroded, and filled with wax.
They could speak, but chose only to sing their horrendous song.
They most likely could taste, as they still had their tongues.

I kept my silence and watched the procession in silent fascination and subtle fear.
I watched as they all fell silent, before speaking a single word that I dare
not utter, for fear of that terrible darkness.

When they uttered that word, the symbols glowed bright.
All of them cowered in fear, but kept to their rites.
Soon, two great eyes appeared in the darkness and seemed to train on me.

Bound by fear, I could only watch as a screaming woman was brought forth.
What happened I dare not repeat.

Looking away, I broke the vice grip of fear and slowly walked away.
Though, the tortured screams still haunt me.

I kept my silent walk and did not panic when the BEING roared.
I did not panic when the woman uttered a scream that scarred my ears.

Never did I look back, fearing that if I did, the BEING would be there to do acts of unspeakable nature.
I simply walked, even when I felt a warm breeze blow from the bowels of the cavern. 'It is the breath of IT.'
My panicked mind roared, but I kept my course.
I found the exit, where the sunlight beat down upon me. I looked back to see the BEING bound in the cave by the light.

Doing the only sane thing, I filled the hole. Gods that be, never let it escape!"

Comments?
December 26th 2011, 12:20 AM
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Mrgantoe
Peasant He/Him Cuba
I'm simply a distraction. 
Good but it jumps somewhat from cave to outside to quickly but then again it it's a short story .
December 26th 2011, 05:19 AM
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kenji720rs
Peasant He/Him Australia
👾~ #беспл 
It was too long so I didn't bother reading it.
December 26th 2011, 05:34 AM
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Duckhater
Ghost They/Them
 
Yes, it was definetly ''horrible'' XD lol jk!
It was great! (:
December 26th 2011, 02:48 PM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
It was my first actual coherent attempt at horror. My last attempt quickly turned into something else after the prologue.
Thanks for some positive reviews.
December 26th 2011, 03:13 PM
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And now for something different!

Seriously though, it's not a bad try, and reminds me of Lovecraft's stuff. But I don't think that the horror of it translates well to the reader, it's not scary... What exactly makes a horror story horrific can be a really subtle thing, but in this case, I think the most glaring problem is lack of description, especially towards the end. For example,

However, I noted the appearance of the men.
They all were blind, their eyes gouged out and filled with wax.
They were deaf, their ears burnt severely and filled with wax.
They could not smell, for their noses were corroded, and filled with wax.
They could speak, but chose only to sing their horrendous song.
They most likely could taste, as they still had their tongues.


^ the above doesn't tell me just how horrendous and appalling they really look like. If I stop to think about it, I can certainly imagine it, but the point is, a story should describe them so that I can't help but see their terrible visage in my mind while I'm reading it.

Soon, two great eyes appeared in the darkness and seemed to train on me.

^ What kind of eyes? Why are they scary? Are they human eyes, bloodshot, bulging in the darkness, oppressive eyes, freezing you with fear, making you feel small and insignificant...? It's just not scary when I know nothing about what the situation actually looks and feels like. They could be giant puppy eyes for all I know. =)

Bound by fear, I could only watch as a screaming woman was brought forth.

^ Screaming woman? Okay. Again, doesn't immerse the reader in the atmosphere that must have been present in the cave, what the woman was going through, screaming, struggling in frantic terror, whatever, etc... It's just reporting the facts, and a really big deal in stories (any stories, but horror stories especially) is feeling what it was like in there and thus being able to relate to the events that take place.
December 26th 2011, 03:29 PM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
That, everybody, is the best way to let me know how my story is. Thank you, Scratcher.

I can tell that my writing skills need a bit more work, especially in the description department. If I decide to write another, and I probably will, then I'll keep that in mind.
Thank you.
December 26th 2011, 07:49 PM
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Add more things about the cult like you could also see some things like rooms of their's also is the lady a Banshee and I like Scarters post and you should make new eyes because those puppy eyes would look funny in a SCARY story and mabye make it so the men at least have some hearing that you have to walk careful and if you make another also make something like a goosebumps adventure like do you choose to go left or right
December 26th 2011, 10:51 PM
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My first thought was Lovecraft too. It somewhat reminded me of "Under the Pyramids." You should read his stuff if you haven't already. On a related note, make sure you don't become one of these. Not that I'm implying anything! I just read that article recently, so it came to mind. And yes, Scratcher's comments were good.
December 26th 2011, 11:23 PM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
LordDack, please, PLEASE put in some punctuation!

Dinkulum, I've read a few of Lovecraft's stories, I have all his works in one book My favorite is Dagon, currently.

As for horror writers who don't read, I dislike them. I read various kinds of books, it's just I'm more used to fantasy than horror, and trying out a horror story of my own is my way of trying to expand my writing skills. Stephen King is currently my most favorite, Dean Koontz being my second favorite. So don't worry, I won't become a terrible horror writer.
December 27th 2011, 12:14 AM
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DuckHater
Ghost They/Them
 
Okay, then give the eyes detail. Add a part where the people bring a woman from their dungeon. Describe the fear in her eyes. Add a part where the people start chanting. Then start cutting her apart as a sacrifice for the eyes. Then add a part where he cannot bear it and runs away. Then comes the scream.
December 27th 2011, 01:47 AM
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MsDink
Peasant She/Her New Zealand
Tag - Umm.. tag, you're it? 
Its always better to describe things yet leave room for the imagination of your reader to fill in the blanks. show things in other ways - as in use actions to move the story forward at the same time as giving information.
example not to use;
blood from the cut on her face ran into her eyes making it hard to see properly. It was cold out and she ran as fast as she could. she was scared and something big was right behind her.
What this tells you as a reader
she cut her face its cold and shes running cause she is being chased like MAJOR YAWN I dont wanna read on here...

you could try something like this;
It was so hard to make anything out in the gloom. Her eyes widened as she tried to focus. It wasn't working. Panicked she swiped at her face trying to clear the blood from her vision. X was only slightly aware of the sharp pain in her hand that informed her fuzzy brain that all of her fingers had been broken. Her breath came hard and fast leaving a trail of mist as she exhaled hard into the the night air. Her chest felt like it was going to explode. Think, she told herself. THINK!. Blood pounding in her ears she swung her gammy leg (heh) over the wooden railing. She unconsciously cringed as her skirt caught on a nail and pierced the delicate skin of her thigh. It held her firm for a brief pause before both the skin and material ripped, releasing her as she scrambled to rebalance her weight. She was free! That noise... her breath froze in her throat. Something was coming. It sounded huge. Her heart stilled in her chest. Slowly she turned around, then screamed!

What this tells you as a reader:
this tells you there is a lot of blood running down her face, swiping shows shes in a hurry, she has a gammy leg (heh) is wearing a skirt, its gloomy, its night , she was held somewhere and not treated as the princess she is cause they broke her fingers she didn’t care her clothes were ripped her need to escape was that important and looks like she didnt make it oh well too bad never mind heh BUT I WANNA SEE THE BLAHD so much more interesting do you think in comparison to the top example?

so what I mean is tell the story with actions and things that move the story forward yet still offers useful information without preaching to the reader. By shortening your sentences in specific places, they become more grabby (no that’s not a real word) and make the reader think OMG whats gunna happen and keeps turning pages - this is your ultimate goal (That’s how they decide to read on – they want to know whats going to happen next)! If you do it all the way through your story the reader is so out of breath it’s a struggle to read on. Just as an aside – I would go back over this and take the ‘she ‘s out and change it up a little but this is ok to explain what I mean - I hope.

Instead of saying she broke her ankle – say turning in her tracks, msdink heard her ankle snap, she stared in dismay as it swung limply from the end of her leg (action and info)
gedditt!


another short [sic] example - saying he was bald- tells the reader your hero has no hair but this is writing so embellish a little - eg maybe say instead of stating the fact he is bald, tell it with actions – mmm maybe something like - the sun bounced off the top of his naked dome, reflecting a beam of pure white light from the afternoon sun across the road towards the untrimmed pine in the neighbours yard. Dinks cat, who was minding his own business high in that tree, was blinded so suddenly in the beam, that the poor thing promptly lost its footing and fell heavily from the branches, landing in a mess at the bottom of the tree. (so – ‘hes bald’ just became ‘hes bald and he needs to wear a hat when the suns out or its dangerous for the neighbours cat if its up a tree’ ).

"A gentle wind blew past me as I opened my eyes. sorry Kris thats so not the start to a horror story... grab em in the first few lines, make the opening snappy and make them wanna read on and never treat your readers like they are idiots. I knew that in popular culture this would be called Amnesia. But amnesia was an inability to remember recent events. Your reader can pick up that you have amnesia if you info/action it - no need state it outright then explain it - your reader feels like a fool and puts your story down Maybe something like 'the blackness surrounding me was echoed in my head as I suddenly realised that I did't know my own name *insert screams* Lastly vary your sentence lengths a little is also useful to the reader and the flow of your story.
December 27th 2011, 03:38 AM
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Skull
Peasant He/Him Finland bloop
A Disembodied Sod 
OMG!! MsDink can spell!
December 27th 2011, 04:12 AM
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MsDink
Peasant She/Her New Zealand
Tag - Umm.. tag, you're it? 
You take that back!! I can not!
December 27th 2011, 12:01 PM
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well sorry I didn't add punctuation.Still isnt a good idea for mine
December 28th 2011, 02:36 PM
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darksign13
Peasant He/Him United States
Hungry, Horney, and Helpless... Take me home. 
I write horror sometimes as a hobby, I find it helps the story stay horror if I only write on days I'm really depressed, in a dark room, and with a really eerie background on my computer. But that's probably just me...
December 28th 2011, 07:00 PM
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Music helps me get in the right mood for writing too. In fact, when I need to write but don't feel like it, the right music will motivate me.
December 28th 2011, 07:03 PM
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how about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjJDBP292rM
December 28th 2011, 09:49 PM
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I'll be honest with you KrishKnox: I hate stories like these. It's nothing against your writing skill, which is excellent. It's that there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that is clearly defined in this story. Unless this is the prologue to a novel, as stories like these often are, I have to say I'm not satisfied. Why is he there? How did he get there? Where did he go after? What was the being except a pair of eyes?
Great as a prologue, notsogreat as just a story.
MsDink's writing is great! Tell us a stowy, pleaaaase!
Here are a some prologue you'd like:
"Folks say if you listen at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off the nor'east and the dogs are howling for no earthly reason, you'd hear the awful screams of the crew of Ellie May, a sturdy whaler captained by John McTavish. For it was such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davy Jones be danged, John brought his men out on deck for the first of several screaming contests."
Just for an example
December 30th 2011, 07:16 PM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
So it needs a lot of work. :/ Oh well, I just need to keep polishing my skills and honing my talent.
December 30th 2011, 11:47 PM
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Practice makes perfect!
December 31st 2011, 12:08 AM
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not all the time
December 31st 2011, 01:46 AM
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Also, winds aren't gentle, breezes are
December 31st 2011, 12:16 PM
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darksign13
Peasant He/Him United States
Hungry, Horney, and Helpless... Take me home. 
That depends on definition. To me a breeze is about 5-10 miles an hour, while a gentle wind takes over at 11-20. Then a light wind is 21-30, a decent wind is 31-40, just plain wind is 41-50, strong wind is 51-70, a heavy wind is 71-90, and then "hang on to your butts" comes in at 91+.
December 31st 2011, 12:21 PM
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Skull
Peasant He/Him Finland bloop
A Disembodied Sod 
So, what's 91 for you?
December 31st 2011, 01:50 PM
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KrisKnox
Peasant He/Him United States
The site's resident Therian (Dire Wolf, Dragon) 
If you live in Iowa, a wind is gentle, a breeze nonexistent.