Reply to Re: Wrote a horror themed story. Comments?
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And now for something different!
Seriously though, it's not a bad try, and reminds me of Lovecraft's stuff.
But I don't think that the horror of it translates well to the reader, it's not scary... What exactly makes a horror story horrific can be a really subtle thing, but in this case, I think the most glaring problem is lack of description, especially towards the end. For example,
However, I noted the appearance of the men.
They all were blind, their eyes gouged out and filled with wax.
They were deaf, their ears burnt severely and filled with wax.
They could not smell, for their noses were corroded, and filled with wax.
They could speak, but chose only to sing their horrendous song.
They most likely could taste, as they still had their tongues.
^ the above doesn't tell me just how horrendous and appalling they really look like. If I stop to think about it, I can certainly imagine it, but the point is, a story should describe them so that I can't help but see their terrible visage in my mind while I'm reading it.
Soon, two great eyes appeared in the darkness and seemed to train on me.
^ What kind of eyes? Why are they scary? Are they human eyes, bloodshot, bulging in the darkness, oppressive eyes, freezing you with fear, making you feel small and insignificant...? It's just not scary when I know nothing about what the situation actually looks and feels like. They could be giant puppy eyes for all I know. =)
Bound by fear, I could only watch as a screaming woman was brought forth.
^ Screaming woman? Okay. Again, doesn't immerse the reader in the atmosphere that must have been present in the cave, what the woman was going through, screaming, struggling in frantic terror, whatever, etc... It's just reporting the facts, and a really big deal in stories (any stories, but horror stories especially) is feeling what it was like in there and thus being able to relate to the events that take place.
Seriously though, it's not a bad try, and reminds me of Lovecraft's stuff.
But I don't think that the horror of it translates well to the reader, it's not scary... What exactly makes a horror story horrific can be a really subtle thing, but in this case, I think the most glaring problem is lack of description, especially towards the end. For example,However, I noted the appearance of the men.
They all were blind, their eyes gouged out and filled with wax.
They were deaf, their ears burnt severely and filled with wax.
They could not smell, for their noses were corroded, and filled with wax.
They could speak, but chose only to sing their horrendous song.
They most likely could taste, as they still had their tongues.
^ the above doesn't tell me just how horrendous and appalling they really look like. If I stop to think about it, I can certainly imagine it, but the point is, a story should describe them so that I can't help but see their terrible visage in my mind while I'm reading it.
Soon, two great eyes appeared in the darkness and seemed to train on me.
^ What kind of eyes? Why are they scary? Are they human eyes, bloodshot, bulging in the darkness, oppressive eyes, freezing you with fear, making you feel small and insignificant...? It's just not scary when I know nothing about what the situation actually looks and feels like. They could be giant puppy eyes for all I know. =)
Bound by fear, I could only watch as a screaming woman was brought forth.
^ Screaming woman? Okay. Again, doesn't immerse the reader in the atmosphere that must have been present in the cave, what the woman was going through, screaming, struggling in frantic terror, whatever, etc... It's just reporting the facts, and a really big deal in stories (any stories, but horror stories especially) is feeling what it was like in there and thus being able to relate to the events that take place.
