The Dink Network

Dink Nukem - Darkland F**d Up!

From the COTPATD project.
October 24th, 2003
Score : 2.0 horrible
King He/Him United States bloop
A mother ducking wizard 
When I first saw the title, I thought that it would either be a very good port of the Duke Nukem character/graphics to the Dink Engine, or a horrible travesty.

Let's just say it isn't a very good port.

What's Good?

There are technically new graphics, include all new player/monster sprites. And heck, new graphics are always better than the same old things, right? Well, maybe not.

There are also two new weapons, that seem to be done fairly well. A shotgun, which is like a standard fireball except it shoots a bullet, and a mini-gun, which is like hellfire (it passes through multiple enemies) and it seems to shoot two bullets.

What's Bad

Everything. Plot is nonexistent, basically you're told in the documentation that Dink is going to go save a girl, but the girl is never seen/mentioned until the very end.

But heck, if the game is fun, the plot can just be ignored.

If it were fun. It isn't. The new weapons, while being new, are rather boring to use. Stand still and tap the fire button. Walk when the other enemies are getting too close. At least with Dink, the hand-to-hand weapons lent some strategy in killing monsters, but with guns that strategy vanishes to boredom.

And use these boring weapons you must, over and over, to gain enough levels to have a tiny chance at killing the stronger enemies.

And what of these new spiffy graphics? Surely they must be worth something? Sadly, no. Yes, there are new graphics. The Dink Nukem character has a whopping 8 frames of animation total. Total, across all sequences. He doesn't animate when he walks, his depth dot isn't where his feet are, though he does change directions when he walks. Oh, and you might glimpse the firing animation, but I didn't see it most of the time.

Perhaps the enemy sprites make up for it? I'm afraid not. Compared to them, Dink Nukem is a super-animating masterpiece. All of the enemies have a whopping one frame of animation each. No direction changes, no walking movement, no firing animation, etc. And, like Dink Nukem, their depth dots aren't very accurate. And some of the enemies don't even have a transparent background, they have a nice white block outline surrounding them.

There is also absolutely nothing to talk to/interact with except the girl and the savebots.

But, what of the map? Even with horrible graphics, horrible weapons, no interaction, etc., maybe if the map was nice and detailed it would still be worth playing? Sadly, the map doesn't have *any* details. Well, there is a 'maze' of tables on one screen... oh, and a cave and a castle. Otherwise, you're just playing through *very* sparse screens.


If you need a quick program to cause brain damage in disliked relatives, download this and sit your relative at the computer desk.

However, if you want to sit down and get some enjoyment out of your computer, don't even let your mouse hover over the download button... you never know if some freak accident involving a ceiling, mice, fire alarms, and skittles might cause you to accidently download it and play it beyond your will.