The Dink Network

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

That last one was not a pun. It was merely a statement of your intentions so technically the last one should of said " sent 19 puns and 1 declarative statement"

"should of said" should be "should have said".
Should of is just a corruption of "should've".

</grumpy nitpicking>

I wasn't critiquing grammar but if I must:

'"Should of said" should be, "should have said ."'

Just because you are quoting me, doesn't mean you leave the 's' uncapitalized. And a period always comes inside the quotation marks.

Like I said earlier though, I wasn't correcting grammar. I only corrected his error of sorts. He basically said there were 20 when there were only 19.

<grumpier nitpicking>

didnt u think it u think it was funny?!?

When quoting, you're allowed to replace letters or expressions by using brackets. Like so:

"[S]hould of said" should be "should have said". However, as Vortex informs, "[j]ust because [he is] quoting [Vortex], doesn't mean [he] can leave the 's' uncapitalized."

(It looks awfully stupid when usen excessively, though, and is the key into confusing a reader. I imagine once in a long paragraph of text would be enough )

Obviously those puns were intended.

And the winner is...Sharp, by grammatical knock-out.

lu(|<1ly 7h3 1nt32n37 i5 n0 pl4c3 f0r 600d 624mm42, 02 w3 w0uld p29b4bly 4ll b3 3x3cu73d by th3 60d-0-624mm42.

"It looks awfully stupid when <usen> excessively..." -Sharp

That she does, Vortex. That she does...

This thread wins the grammar Nazi award.

'Gratz all.

Hey, Grammar Nazis are the only people keeping the English language alive on the internet.

Grr. I can't think of a comeback, so I'll just have to wait for Striker to come and grump about your 1337 sp33k

Anyway... I didn't know that a period (full stop ) comes inside quotation marks. It seems like they should work like brackets. Oh well.

*Ahem* I'm pretty sure that a 1337 'R' is |2 or 12, not just 2.

And I am pretty sure the l33t is not a set cipher in any way what so ever. It is merely what the user types at a time. A language for everyone in a way. I go for simplicity, sticking mostly to single letter/single number substitution. You can keep your '2's however you want.

"You can keep you '2's however you want."

Indeed.

>_>;; I don't know what you are talking about.

...So said the whirling cyclone that is Vortex, after editing his previous post.

Nonetheless, I'd say this thread does win the grammar-nazi award. Then again, I don't correct people's errors unless other people correct others first anyway, or something like that.

By the way;
Is there any way that someone could translate what he said earlier? In my current half-drunk, sleep deprived and chaotic state, I can't even be bothered to try. Not that I would succeed anyway if I were in a normal state.

"lu(|<1ly 7h3 1nt32n37 i5 n0 pl4c3 f0r 600d 624mm42, 02 w3 w0uld p29b4bly 4ll b3 3x3cu73d by th3 60d-0-624mm42." - Vortex
(Please translate..?)

'Luckily the internet is no place for good grammar, or we would probably all be executed by the god-o-grammar.'

Now I have a headache.

The only grammar mistakes that actually annoy me are when people mix up "Your/you're" and, "Seen/saw". It makes you sound like a dumbass when you say, "Oh, yeah, I seen that."

There are people who would use 'seen' wrong? Wow.

EDIT: wait, things like "You seen that?" seem just fine to me, because the word "have" in this case only gets removed. Of course, it only sounds acceptable in spoken language, not written language. That's what I think.

when people mix up "Your/you're"

And there/they're/their. *Shudder*

With the seen/saw, I actually was referring to spoken word. I know it's minor, but it just bothers me.

Once upon a time this thread existed to place 19 puns and 1 declarative at the whim of fellow Dinkers, but ultimately results in an extensive discussion of grammar.
'Twas a shame...

P.S.Who here SMS' (texts) faster than they talk?

/me creates a xbox-esque achievement system for TDN and gives Sparrow the "Translate Illiterate Jabber" achievement.

Way to go, wasn't sure if it was translatable. My l33t is a little rusty but I guess I still have it.

Grammar nazism is fairly pointless, IMO, as the english language itself isn't set in stone. In 50 years, ur might be the proper usage instead of your/you're.

In Dutch, the polite version of "you" is "u", and "lol" means "fun". On a QWERTY-keyboard, we're only two keys away before "ur" becomes "uw".

Yes. We're taking over uw language. (Well, not uw language, as u are Finnish, but u get what I mean.)

do u like the jokes or not!?!

*Continue to ignore krisknox's attempts to steer this tangent back onto topic.

Good point scratcher, seeing how English was heavily influenced by the already spoken languages that were around and English's conception, it wouldn't be a far stretch to think that it could begin to accommodate the netsp3k into it... Who knows one day they might even condense all the words down to 2 or 3 letter... It would make keyboards cheaper . Binary English...that made me lawl...

The jokes are what you're worried about, when there's an obviously more important conversation going on in this thread? For shame.

i was just trying to get u to laugh
besides i got it fron an e-mail

Nothing good ever comes from emails. If they say "FWD:" they might as well say "I wasted time with this, time for you to waste time too." But since we are sharing emails I thought I might post this chain letter thing only in fun, please don't actually email this to anyone. If it is in bad taste, any mod is welcome to delete it (like they need my permission).

"YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his rod stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch rod.

Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.

You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

cheers

Ross Powell
Senior Applications Sales Consultant
Oracle Systems Australia,
New South Wales Branch
Phone 61. 2. 9900 1710
Fax 61. 2. 9957 1514"

I LOL'd.

Orgasms? Sex?

Ugh!

I could be either way. a full-stop may either be within or without of the quotation marks. Generally, a period is had within a tampon.

VORTEX!! The English language was never 'conceived'; it has merely evolved from a mixture of Latin, Greek, French, Germanic and numerous other languages and dialects....

Read the works of Shakespeare and other ancient manuscripts - they just go to show how evolutionary the English language and dialects (American Eng.,Australian Eng., British Eng., etc.) are.

Now you are just arguing semantics.

Oh, mature a bit. Sex is natural... At least, normal sex is.

What exactly would you define as normal sex, anyway?

MSNBC has their own article on the subject; but I am going to go Einstein on the issue and say it's all relative...just not with your relatives.

... I don't have anything to say after reading that "e-mail" thing regarding sex... o.O

im only 13, BUT OHHHH YEAHHHH!!

Hmmm. Sigmund Freud mentioned something about all pleasure derived from contact with a living, dead, or non-living thing is sex.

Strangely, I don't have a clue who that is. Though I recall the name...
*looks it up*
Oh, some old man.

yeah. just only some old Einstein-y guy with a less cooler name. we were studying him in Psych, so.... He's kinda like one of the gods of the science, y'know

i believe the last one (#20) was supposed to end with 'no pun intended'
that's the last pun... in case someone hasn't said that yet...