Reply to Re: The Turning - Part One of Two
If you don't have an account, just leave the password field blank.
Note: here follow my honest opinion and reaction, which may be deemed harsh, but I mean nothing against you.
Stream-of-conscious-reaction:
"Old Timers even spoke of a future time when the sky..." seems awkward... what about 'Old Timers even spoke of a future where the sky...[/i]"
I'd recommend re-structuring paragraphs 2 & 4. It seems very confusing to reference things mention in Paragraph 2 from Paragraph 4. I didn't remember that you described the moon as 'pearly', and had to go back and re-read it to figure out what you were talking about. Maybe you could incorporate some small snippets into Paragraph 2 and drop the rest.
I have difficulty trying to pronounce 'Atiere' in my mind.
'concil' -> 'council'
'Pawa' = reference to elder (aunt, uncle, something?) Why did the herder greet with 'Atiere' at first, then?
'Berry' seems like a very out-of-place name.
'her sick child' -> Child's name, even if it isn't revealed to the reader who this is. The narrator should know that the child is sick, and the elder has no reason to say it like that. If you want to beat us over the head with it, you could mention it, but it's probably ok to make it a little vague.
Flashbacks in flashbacks
My mind hurty.
Wait, they live underground? Everything before this led me to believe the 'compound' was a fenced-in area... well, it wasn't really described, so I made this assumption.
I got tired of writing stream-of-conciously at this point.
Overall critique:
The concept seems interesting, if a bit over-done: post-apocalyptic world ruled by tribes. Not going out at night reminds me of horror movies. Yay for radioactive zombies chasing Berry.
I don't really care for the execution. I know how you want to describe everything about this world and the character relationships... but these parts distracted me from what was going on. As the reader, I don't really need to be explictly told everything. Give me some hints on what is going on (introduce the fact that Berry is an un-blood cousin during some conversatino with Mawa or something), but don't tell me everything. Show me.
And with the post-apocalyptic stuff, maybe a hint or two as to what is going on (i.e. mention right away that the compound is underground, made of concrete and metal), but again, don't explain everything.
Like, maybe have Pawa over-hear some of the elders telling some of the others some stories while he is walking to get his stuff, and leave it at that.
Tell the story from the narrator's point of view to another tribesman. He wouldn't go on explaining everything the other tribesman already knows, would he?
So, now that I've basically said to change every single thing about it ( ), I'm going to read Part 2 now.
Stream-of-conscious-reaction:
"Old Timers even spoke of a future time when the sky..." seems awkward... what about 'Old Timers even spoke of a future where the sky...[/i]"
I'd recommend re-structuring paragraphs 2 & 4. It seems very confusing to reference things mention in Paragraph 2 from Paragraph 4. I didn't remember that you described the moon as 'pearly', and had to go back and re-read it to figure out what you were talking about. Maybe you could incorporate some small snippets into Paragraph 2 and drop the rest.
I have difficulty trying to pronounce 'Atiere' in my mind.
'concil' -> 'council'
'Pawa' = reference to elder (aunt, uncle, something?) Why did the herder greet with 'Atiere' at first, then?
'Berry' seems like a very out-of-place name.
'her sick child' -> Child's name, even if it isn't revealed to the reader who this is. The narrator should know that the child is sick, and the elder has no reason to say it like that. If you want to beat us over the head with it, you could mention it, but it's probably ok to make it a little vague.
Flashbacks in flashbacks
My mind hurty.Wait, they live underground? Everything before this led me to believe the 'compound' was a fenced-in area... well, it wasn't really described, so I made this assumption.
I got tired of writing stream-of-conciously at this point.
Overall critique:
The concept seems interesting, if a bit over-done: post-apocalyptic world ruled by tribes. Not going out at night reminds me of horror movies. Yay for radioactive zombies chasing Berry.
I don't really care for the execution. I know how you want to describe everything about this world and the character relationships... but these parts distracted me from what was going on. As the reader, I don't really need to be explictly told everything. Give me some hints on what is going on (introduce the fact that Berry is an un-blood cousin during some conversatino with Mawa or something), but don't tell me everything. Show me.
And with the post-apocalyptic stuff, maybe a hint or two as to what is going on (i.e. mention right away that the compound is underground, made of concrete and metal), but again, don't explain everything.
Like, maybe have Pawa over-hear some of the elders telling some of the others some stories while he is walking to get his stuff, and leave it at that.
Tell the story from the narrator's point of view to another tribesman. He wouldn't go on explaining everything the other tribesman already knows, would he?
So, now that I've basically said to change every single thing about it (
), I'm going to read Part 2 now.
