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May 13th 2014, 03:00 AM
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Cocomonkey
Bard Male United States
Please Cindy, say the whole name each time. 
114: Gorack, Umtar, and Shreik: The First Battle Author: Marijn van Sliedregt Release Date: March 28, 2002

"I think it's better not to sign up"

This was the most confusing experience I've had yet. First of all, it richly deserves some recognition.

******This DMOD, "Gorack, Umtar, and Shreik,"******
 ********Has been awarded the prestigious*********
  ****DINK FOREVER MEMORIAL AWARD OF BADNESS*****
   **********On this day May 13, 2014***********


I've got no clue what this DMOD is supposed to be about. I've got very little clue what even happened in it. The description is no help - it just says "I'm not giving away information!" The DMOD adopts a similar attitude.

It takes place in some hunting grounds belonging to a "Mr. Buxton," who does not appear in the DMOD. One is supposed to sign up in order to hunt there, but since Buxton isn't around, you can't. You can encounter a bewildered would-be hunter who declares that the forest is fake, and there are no animals. Your guess is as good as mine, buddy. By the way, both NPCs you can encounter fail to freeze you for conversation, so you have to wait around to hear it, a true DMOD sin.

The only thing that happens in this DMOD is that Dink encounters a violent knight who takes him to a weird place. Dink must fight the knight and his two friends - these are Gorack, Umtar and Shreik. This takes place on top of an odd picture. It's not hard to win if you equip the +25 longsword sitting in Dink's inventory. When you beat the trio, Dink declares that you have won. I raved at my computer for about an entire minute to the effect of, "Wait, what? What the duck was that?"

As usual, I'll attempt to make up a point. The reason there are no animals on the hunting grounds is that those who sign up to be hunters are actually the prey; the real hunters sign up elsewhere, for a much higher entry fee. Gorack, Umtar and Shreik signed up to hunt the hunters. Unfortunately for Mr. Buxton, he failed to safeguard himself adequately from his murderous clientele and fell to their axes himself. Fortunately for the others, Dink put an end to their hunt prematurely.

...Eh, it's been done before. I'll give it a thirteen out of ten, but no higher.

115: Kill the Hippies Author: Josh "Riot" Kosloski Release Date: April 6, 2002

"peace and love dude"

Now that's what I like to see: A DMOD with a clearly stated point! And you know, I don't much care for hippies either, so I'm on board.

This is a short weird thing where you mostly throw axes at so-called "hippies" (these odd-looking things), who do, to their credit, shoot back at you. So much for making love rather than war. You're also carrying a bow, if that's your thing. Dink has a stick of dynamite from the start as well, but it's not clear what it's for. All of this occurs to the tune of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit."

Anyway, you save the game (hardly necessary) by shooting disco balls, and there are smiley faces that you can make tricky diagonal shots at to get a life extension. If you're more of the "why can't we all just get along" type, it's not actually necessary to kill any of the hippies - you can walk straight to the end.

This one demonstrates some of the potential of a "shooting gallery" type mod, but any such potential is not realized at all here. However, it's enough of a laugh just for how odd and dumb it is to keep it out of Award of Badness territory.

Your reward for winning is this amusingly incoherent rant followed by that dynamite you've been carrying around blowing up and killing you. Violence!

116: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Author: Elias Hasle Release Date: April 6, 2002

"Dinner!"

REPUTATION NOTE: This DMOD is one of the incredibly select group to have a score lower than 1.0 (0.6) on the Dink Network!

What a distinguished run of releases we're facing in mighty 2002. Truly, this was the peak of the Dink Smallwood community.

I wanted to skip this one. However, I did say "All the DMODs," so let's get this over with.

*************This DMOD, "[Alphabet],"**************
 ********Has been awarded the prestigious*********
  ****DINK FOREVER MEMORIAL AWARD OF BADNESS*****
   **********On this day May 13, 2014***********


This is the least interesting DMOD ever released. The premise is that Dink's full name is actually 26 words long, beginning with "Adolph Blaine Charles Dink" and ending with "Yancy Zeus." It doesn't even have "Smallwood" in the S place. It reminds me a little bit of the Monty Python sketch about the composer with the really long name, except that that was funny and this isn't. The DMOD (if such it can be called) conists of Dink announcing the name and a bit of dialogue about moms and dinner. It then returns to the title screen (there isn't one).

The author requested that this DMOD be removed, and so it was on August 11, 2002, making it a "lost DMOD." However, he put it back up on March 29, 2005. I honestly can't imagine why.

The author claims that the purposes of this DMOD include to be a joke, to start a debate, and to be "art." I don't see how taking it down for a couple of years lines up with these goals - to increase its notoriety? I'm not buying it. At any rate, a debate over this game's artistic merit is pointless; clearly, it hasn't got any. If you want to roll your eyes so hard they might come out of their sockets, you can read Ehasl's own review, in which he essentially claims victory for the reaction gained by his intentionally bad DMOD.

Indeed, this is probably the most-reviewed DMOD on the site. Almost all of the reviews absolutely rip the thing to shreds, but I have a hard time figuring out why people thought it was worth discussing at all. Lord knows that if this project were anything but "All the DMODs," I wouldn't waste my breath. That's why I wanted to skip it - too many words have been said about this already. It isn't art, it isn't funny. The only thing you can really take from this is that the Dink Network should have standards about what it accepts and publishes. I *HATE* this kind of shoot. It's like "B" on Newgrounds. I'm convinced this sort of crap exists to annoy me personally.