Re: Lost Crystals (Fiction) Chapter 2.1
(So they went off to find the crystals, 1st they went to the earth temple to see if arcferdius was there powering the earth crystal but they met unknown dangers on their way...)
(Austin) I think were getting near the earth temple...Uh-oh a lizard...Its attacking! Kill it Ashley!
(Ashley) Right! (Ashley slashed it and killed it in one hit...)
(Austin) Nice! Now lets get in the...Another! My turn! (Austin shoots it five times...)
(Ashley) Im sure its dead...Finally were in!
(Austin) Great! Im sure theres alot of danger in here...Follow me!
(Ashley) Ok...
(Austin) Look at all the rats...Lets kill them!
(So they kill them not leaving any mercy whatsoever...)
(Ashley) Theres the chamber of earth! And theres Arcferdius!
(Arcferdius) GeT AwAy! I mUsT HarVesT THe PoweR of EaRTH!
(Austin) No! (Austin shoots arcferdius...)
(Arcferdius) ITs POIntLeSS To TRY And AttAcK ME! Im ImmoRtAL!
(Ashley) No! Grab the crystal! (Ashley dives for the crystal and gets it!)
(Arcferdius) NOOoOooOoOO00o! (Arcferdius teleports away...)
(Austin) That was easy...Lets go to the next temple!
(Ashley) Yeah!
(Austin) I think were getting near the earth temple...Uh-oh a lizard...Its attacking! Kill it Ashley!
(Ashley) Right! (Ashley slashed it and killed it in one hit...)
(Austin) Nice! Now lets get in the...Another! My turn! (Austin shoots it five times...)
(Ashley) Im sure its dead...Finally were in!
(Austin) Great! Im sure theres alot of danger in here...Follow me!
(Ashley) Ok...
(Austin) Look at all the rats...Lets kill them!
(So they kill them not leaving any mercy whatsoever...)
(Ashley) Theres the chamber of earth! And theres Arcferdius!
(Arcferdius) GeT AwAy! I mUsT HarVesT THe PoweR of EaRTH!
(Austin) No! (Austin shoots arcferdius...)
(Arcferdius) ITs POIntLeSS To TRY And AttAcK ME! Im ImmoRtAL!
(Ashley) No! Grab the crystal! (Ashley dives for the crystal and gets it!)
(Arcferdius) NOOoOooOoOO00o! (Arcferdius teleports away...)
(Austin) That was easy...Lets go to the next temple!
(Ashley) Yeah!
God danged, this story is lame. Sorry for my blunt honesty, but I couldn't take this crap anymore.
Now, to go from destructive to constructive mode; You need more story — and a more probable one, to say the least. Two people who randomly meet and just out of nowhere becomes best friends bent on the thought of saving the world is not probable. And at least not original. Your story needs less dialog. To be honest, the whole thing smells of being a transcribed comic, just without the graphics.
Furthermore, each chapter is way too short, way too fast paced, the story progresses way too fast, and there is waaaay too little background information given on absolutely everything.
And, really... stuff like "look at all the rats, let's kill them" — Exactly how does these things progress the story? It's... filler crap, at best.
Now, to go from destructive to constructive mode; You need more story — and a more probable one, to say the least. Two people who randomly meet and just out of nowhere becomes best friends bent on the thought of saving the world is not probable. And at least not original. Your story needs less dialog. To be honest, the whole thing smells of being a transcribed comic, just without the graphics.
Furthermore, each chapter is way too short, way too fast paced, the story progresses way too fast, and there is waaaay too little background information given on absolutely everything.
And, really... stuff like "look at all the rats, let's kill them" — Exactly how does these things progress the story? It's... filler crap, at best.
My guess is that genis123 is pretty young. While say this would be pretty good for a 6-year-old, I would have to agree with Phoenix that even if you're around twelve, this needs a lot of work.
Aside from what Phoenix suggested to you, I would highly advise including detailed descriptions or what is happening the story; what the characters see, feel, hear, feel, and even smell. Just adding those elements will give a greater understanding of the characters and events, making the story that much more enjoyable to the reader.
"I would also suggest trying to avoid the 'play-style' format of dialog until you've at least gotten comfortable with typical prose," typed Striker with a few deft strokes of his fingers. Leaning back in his seat, he then wondered if this paragraph was a sufficient example of what he was trying to convey. "No matter," he thought, "If genis can't understand this, then there's not really much else I can do to help."
Aside from what Phoenix suggested to you, I would highly advise including detailed descriptions or what is happening the story; what the characters see, feel, hear, feel, and even smell. Just adding those elements will give a greater understanding of the characters and events, making the story that much more enjoyable to the reader.
"I would also suggest trying to avoid the 'play-style' format of dialog until you've at least gotten comfortable with typical prose," typed Striker with a few deft strokes of his fingers. Leaning back in his seat, he then wondered if this paragraph was a sufficient example of what he was trying to convey. "No matter," he thought, "If genis can't understand this, then there's not really much else I can do to help."
Shut up you meanie poopoo heads!............................................................................................................................................ 
Umm...
You the same person? Or a stupid little bro?
You the same person? Or a stupid little bro?
Actually, I think this story is great if you see it as a parody of a random RPG. I mean honestly... At first I thought it was a parody of Stone of Balance or 9 Gems. It had me smiling for a while. Maybe the next part will manage to make me laugh. 
(On the other hand, if it's supposed to be 'serious', then I think it's really weird, to say the least.)
(On the other hand, if it's supposed to be 'serious', then I think it's really weird, to say the least.)
hes someone i know and yes that was me talking...im done with my story i just wanna make a dmod....
Perhaps make a DMOD of your story? It may turn out better, and you will still get to tell you idea/story in a way. Just a suggestion to be suggested.
