Reply to Re: The Turning - Part One of Two
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You, I can kill, peasant. 
"Searching For Summer" by Joan Aiken
Never never read it nor heard of her and certainly didn't plagiarize. I'll have to look for it next time I'm in town since I love horror stories.
This seems very...used
and
Do not however change that part of it.
In this day and age, I don't think anyone is unaware of the potential of nuclear weapons. It's of great concern right now and probably always will be. You might consider the subject matter old hat but I do not and have no intention of changing it. But that is okay, just a difference of opinion. My next story will be quite different. (fingers crossed)
Switch up your words more.
Opps I try to watch that. I'll look for that and change it.
(A) Thesaurus will help you with that if your vocabulary is small.
That sounded kind of snotty.
I have a thesaurus and I use it. In fact, I have two. But, er, thanks anyway.
..you do give the impression that they are outside.
Yes, they are during the day. I don't think I made that clear enough. Sorry.
Reasons I thought they were above ground were that
He sees the moon...
He was herding animals...
"I was in the fields tending to daily tasks..."
I added this line to make it clearer but obviously failed. Dadgummit. "The beautiful night. I was in a lot of trouble. It started earlier in the day when I heard my name called. I was in the fields tending to daily tasks.." Think I'll change it a little.
But you also mentioned "He see's the moon". Actually the story starts out in the night and flashbacks to events in the day.
..but if you get many people telling you that they didn't catch what you were throwing at them, then it may need a little touching up.
And..
The clan seemed like a hierarchy...I didn't quite understand it. Mawa, Pawa, then you had the elders and clan leaders.
I have another site where this story is also printed. I'm not really sure why but the other readers didn't have any problem with it. Oh well. I will try to clarify that.
..there is a movie here called "The Village" that uses that similiar plot
Again? Note to self: Ignore this. He knows not what he infers. And if he does know....grrr.
As for the rest of what you said..
I don't know, it was hazy to me.
Quite.
No. No dead people in the ceiling. Since the compound is underground, they heard the hollow ones and the diseased ones above through the air vents. I will clarify that also.
While I appreciate and can respect a critique given in earnest to help a writer (which I believe you did), you write a little pompously and somewhat barbed, imo. But I do thank you for some fine points and thank you for taking the time to read the story.
"Searching For Summer" by Joan AikenNever never read it nor heard of her and certainly didn't plagiarize. I'll have to look for it next time I'm in town since I love horror stories.
This seems very...used
and
Do not however change that part of it.
In this day and age, I don't think anyone is unaware of the potential of nuclear weapons. It's of great concern right now and probably always will be. You might consider the subject matter old hat but I do not and have no intention of changing it. But that is okay, just a difference of opinion. My next story will be quite different. (fingers crossed)
Switch up your words more.
Opps I try to watch that. I'll look for that and change it.
(A) Thesaurus will help you with that if your vocabulary is small.
That sounded kind of snotty.
I have a thesaurus and I use it. In fact, I have two. But, er, thanks anyway.
..you do give the impression that they are outside.
Yes, they are during the day. I don't think I made that clear enough. Sorry.
Reasons I thought they were above ground were that
He sees the moon...
He was herding animals...
"I was in the fields tending to daily tasks..."
I added this line to make it clearer but obviously failed. Dadgummit. "The beautiful night. I was in a lot of trouble. It started earlier in the day when I heard my name called. I was in the fields tending to daily tasks.." Think I'll change it a little.
But you also mentioned "He see's the moon". Actually the story starts out in the night and flashbacks to events in the day.
..but if you get many people telling you that they didn't catch what you were throwing at them, then it may need a little touching up.
And..
The clan seemed like a hierarchy...I didn't quite understand it. Mawa, Pawa, then you had the elders and clan leaders.
I have another site where this story is also printed. I'm not really sure why but the other readers didn't have any problem with it. Oh well. I will try to clarify that.
..there is a movie here called "The Village" that uses that similiar plot
Again? Note to self: Ignore this. He knows not what he infers. And if he does know....grrr.
As for the rest of what you said..
I don't know, it was hazy to me.
Quite.
No. No dead people in the ceiling. Since the compound is underground, they heard the hollow ones and the diseased ones above through the air vents. I will clarify that also.
While I appreciate and can respect a critique given in earnest to help a writer (which I believe you did), you write a little pompously and somewhat barbed, imo. But I do thank you for some fine points and thank you for taking the time to read the story.
