Reply to Re: Semester Fleece
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Milo had some very good points. I had some of those same items in mind to mention.
Except for too many "I's" in the first couple paragraphs. Personally that didn't bother me at all. Sometimes you just have to use that word to get an idea across. I know the rule is not to start a lot of sentences with "I" but Redink interpersed other sentences so it didn't seem that noticeable.
There really isn't a lot to critique because there is such magic in the descriptions which awe the reader into ignoring anything else. Which is a problem in itself. You throw in a lot of things that don't seem to really add anything to the story.
On the way out of the apartment, a misplaced........
I heard the ambulance, billowing softly, audible smoke depressing.....
The descriptions are poetic wonder but that's about it.
The man that was hit by the vehicle is important because it sets up the character's cyncism and disgruntlement. And though I loved that paragraph, it was over worded. Kinda like mine..to much talk and explained too completely.
But man oh man..the next part..
"How much?" I asked.
"Two grand."
Unexpectedly high. I pulled out the note and drew some dollar signs floating about. "Name?"
"Jake Brummit." etc.
That was very very well done. Succinct, conveys the mood (I'm here for business, not small talk), gets the job done with marvelous ability and no flamboyant word imagergy. Beautiful job.
One thing tho. Why is the character (surprise! His name is not mentioned once in the whole story. Cool.) Anyway why is the character asking Jake "How Much" when he should be telling Jake the price? Did I miss something?
A couple girls in shorts walked together, strangely not speaking and..
Why 'strangely not speaking'? What is the purpose of this line? When will we be clued in as to what is going on? Nope, just didn't mix in with the story.
"I spotted a copy of the DSM IV"
What? Pardon me but huh? That threw me right out of the story which is not a good thing. I continued to read expecting something about this book(?). Maybe you could use a well-known title from a classic that people would recognize? It could also(?) have something to do with the prof's field . When I realized that 'DSM IV' was distracting me, I quickly re-read and went on from there but I had lost some of the previous immersion in the story.
The next portion of the story was, pardon the pun, hard-hitting. I loved it. The character shows his criminal bent in the precision with details.. (The mouse was slightly..), (it began loading from my disk. No traces.) Yes!
That was great. I hate hero's or villains that do things so dumb that you wonder what the author was thinking!
I saw his fist come towards my nose in slow motion. etc
I'm sorry Milo but I loved that too. Just a great description. I felt the guy's pain and laughed at his prosiac thoughts. Isn't that what an author wants? Involvement?
Next is the ending. Well best I can say is that it was an ending of sorts. The worst sorts. Did you fall asleep, redink?
Taken all in all, I would sell this story and start a new career. You can write!
Except for too many "I's" in the first couple paragraphs. Personally that didn't bother me at all. Sometimes you just have to use that word to get an idea across. I know the rule is not to start a lot of sentences with "I" but Redink interpersed other sentences so it didn't seem that noticeable.
There really isn't a lot to critique because there is such magic in the descriptions which awe the reader into ignoring anything else. Which is a problem in itself. You throw in a lot of things that don't seem to really add anything to the story.
On the way out of the apartment, a misplaced........
I heard the ambulance, billowing softly, audible smoke depressing.....
The descriptions are poetic wonder but that's about it.
The man that was hit by the vehicle is important because it sets up the character's cyncism and disgruntlement. And though I loved that paragraph, it was over worded. Kinda like mine..to much talk and explained too completely.
But man oh man..the next part..
"How much?" I asked.
"Two grand."
Unexpectedly high. I pulled out the note and drew some dollar signs floating about. "Name?"
"Jake Brummit." etc.
That was very very well done. Succinct, conveys the mood (I'm here for business, not small talk), gets the job done with marvelous ability and no flamboyant word imagergy. Beautiful job.
One thing tho. Why is the character (surprise! His name is not mentioned once in the whole story. Cool.) Anyway why is the character asking Jake "How Much" when he should be telling Jake the price? Did I miss something?
A couple girls in shorts walked together, strangely not speaking and..
Why 'strangely not speaking'? What is the purpose of this line? When will we be clued in as to what is going on? Nope, just didn't mix in with the story.
"I spotted a copy of the DSM IV"
What? Pardon me but huh? That threw me right out of the story which is not a good thing. I continued to read expecting something about this book(?). Maybe you could use a well-known title from a classic that people would recognize? It could also(?) have something to do with the prof's field . When I realized that 'DSM IV' was distracting me, I quickly re-read and went on from there but I had lost some of the previous immersion in the story.
The next portion of the story was, pardon the pun, hard-hitting. I loved it. The character shows his criminal bent in the precision with details.. (The mouse was slightly..), (it began loading from my disk. No traces.) Yes!
That was great. I hate hero's or villains that do things so dumb that you wonder what the author was thinking!
I saw his fist come towards my nose in slow motion. etc
I'm sorry Milo but I loved that too. Just a great description. I felt the guy's pain and laughed at his prosiac thoughts. Isn't that what an author wants? Involvement?
Next is the ending. Well best I can say is that it was an ending of sorts. The worst sorts. Did you fall asleep, redink?
Taken all in all, I would sell this story and start a new career. You can write!
