Reply to Re: The Turning - Part One of Two
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I read your story and here goes. Seeing as how you didn't kill redink1 I am figuring I may survive too. (But he is the KING, and I'm a lowsy peasant.)
This seems very...used. "Searching For Summer" by Joan Aiken is a short story written about somewhat the exact same thing. Except instead of the moon they seek the sun. Post apoctalyptic is used quiet frequently and gets quite boring after awhile. Do not however change that part of it. This was my opinion. Others who haven't read these types of literature will be new to them and will enjoy them.
Switch up your words more. When you need to use the same word twice and it is close together, try and find another word with somewhat the same meaning. Thesaurus will help you with that if your vocabulary is small.
As redink1 said, you do give the impression that they are outside. I didn't at all get that they were underground until near the end when you are explaining about the ancient machinary. Reasons I thought they were above ground were that
He sees the moon...
He was herding animals...
"I was in the fields tending to daily tasks..."
The last one doesn't exactly strengthen my point as much as the first one. (Check the definition of field and you will see why.) Well I'll tell you to save you time. Field is a large expance of land. You can have that underground. However to the reader it is presumed that it would be out in the open.
Just three small examples. You may have tried to imply things, as you previosly mentioned in the other reviews but us as readers didn't understand it. If one person doesn't understand it then maybe they are dopey, but if you get many people telling you that they didn't catch what you were throwing at them, then it may need a little touching up. If you don't want to with this piece of literature that is fine. Do as you please, but remember it for future works.
The clan seemed like a hierarchy...I didn't quite understand it. Mawa, Pawa, then you had the elders and clan leaders.
Many horror movies have used the theme, "Don't leave the town after dark...we can't let you back in if you do." I don't know about in the Eastern world, but there is a movie here called "The Village" that uses that similiar plot. Only there are twists and differences that I will not go into.
I don't know why, but when you began mentioning the word, "Compound," and proceded in describing the place...I kept thinking of Nazi Germany and the Death Camps that were set up.
With whole Mawa Pawa thing it made me thing that the narrator was an incesterous freak-a-zoid. I mean...He didn't love Mawa apparently...and he was going after someone who called him Pawa or something. I don't know, it was hazy to me.
Where there dead people in the ceilings? That's what I got from the very end.
All in all I still think it was a interesting story to read. I read it all the way through. If I didn't like it and/or find it interesting at all I would have quite halfway through. It kept me awake and reading. Good job on that.
*Will read part two another day*
Cloudnaeris
This seems very...used. "Searching For Summer" by Joan Aiken is a short story written about somewhat the exact same thing. Except instead of the moon they seek the sun. Post apoctalyptic is used quiet frequently and gets quite boring after awhile. Do not however change that part of it. This was my opinion. Others who haven't read these types of literature will be new to them and will enjoy them.
Switch up your words more. When you need to use the same word twice and it is close together, try and find another word with somewhat the same meaning. Thesaurus will help you with that if your vocabulary is small.
As redink1 said, you do give the impression that they are outside. I didn't at all get that they were underground until near the end when you are explaining about the ancient machinary. Reasons I thought they were above ground were that
He sees the moon...
He was herding animals...
"I was in the fields tending to daily tasks..."
The last one doesn't exactly strengthen my point as much as the first one. (Check the definition of field and you will see why.) Well I'll tell you to save you time. Field is a large expance of land. You can have that underground. However to the reader it is presumed that it would be out in the open.
Just three small examples. You may have tried to imply things, as you previosly mentioned in the other reviews but us as readers didn't understand it. If one person doesn't understand it then maybe they are dopey, but if you get many people telling you that they didn't catch what you were throwing at them, then it may need a little touching up. If you don't want to with this piece of literature that is fine. Do as you please, but remember it for future works.
The clan seemed like a hierarchy...I didn't quite understand it. Mawa, Pawa, then you had the elders and clan leaders.
Many horror movies have used the theme, "Don't leave the town after dark...we can't let you back in if you do." I don't know about in the Eastern world, but there is a movie here called "The Village" that uses that similiar plot. Only there are twists and differences that I will not go into.
I don't know why, but when you began mentioning the word, "Compound," and proceded in describing the place...I kept thinking of Nazi Germany and the Death Camps that were set up.
With whole Mawa Pawa thing it made me thing that the narrator was an incesterous freak-a-zoid. I mean...He didn't love Mawa apparently...and he was going after someone who called him Pawa or something. I don't know, it was hazy to me.
Where there dead people in the ceilings? That's what I got from the very end.
All in all I still think it was a interesting story to read. I read it all the way through. If I didn't like it and/or find it interesting at all I would have quite halfway through. It kept me awake and reading. Good job on that.
*Will read part two another day*
Cloudnaeris
