Reply to Re: The Turning - Part One of Two
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Awesome redink. I sadly have to say that you are right in nearly everything you said. The story has bothered me from the time I did the revisions and changed my course on things. For want of a better explanation, I lost my groove. I quit work on it and went to something else.
Your suggestions are quite helpful and pinpoint exactly what was needed. I probably won't do the rewrite here but now I know what to do. You were not harsh but thorough and I appreciate the critique.
You said to let the reader have hints and not full explanations. You are right. I'll get better on that. However there are two things that I won't change because it 'feels' right to me.
'Pawa' = reference to elder (aunt, uncle, something?) Why did the herder greet with 'Atiere' at first, then?
The herder referenced Atiere as Pawa as a lead-in to what Mawa says later. He expects Atiere to be the clan leader (Pawa) someday and I left that up to the reader to understand. Merlin had it right. Pawa is clan leader (father) and pawa is also father-leader of his immediate family.
Pawa (noun) = Clan Father/Leader. And
pawa (descriptive term) = father/leader of the immediate family group.
'Berry' seems like a very out-of-place name.
Well you'll just have to live with it. I picked that name because these clans live off the land. That was not stated in so many words but again I thought the reader would gather that. Originally there were more characters in the story with names like hers. Sorry if I was too vague. I might add another person in there somewhere or change Saleria's name. Boy, this can be tough to squish a story down from an original. I'm leaving out too much I guess or not catching things I should.
Oh and Atiere? Pronounced A-Tear. Tear as in crying.
Again, thank you for the very helpful info. You did a very well thought out critique.
Your suggestions are quite helpful and pinpoint exactly what was needed. I probably won't do the rewrite here but now I know what to do. You were not harsh but thorough and I appreciate the critique.
You said to let the reader have hints and not full explanations. You are right. I'll get better on that. However there are two things that I won't change because it 'feels' right to me.
'Pawa' = reference to elder (aunt, uncle, something?) Why did the herder greet with 'Atiere' at first, then?
The herder referenced Atiere as Pawa as a lead-in to what Mawa says later. He expects Atiere to be the clan leader (Pawa) someday and I left that up to the reader to understand. Merlin had it right. Pawa is clan leader (father) and pawa is also father-leader of his immediate family.
Pawa (noun) = Clan Father/Leader. And
pawa (descriptive term) = father/leader of the immediate family group.
'Berry' seems like a very out-of-place name.
Well you'll just have to live with it. I picked that name because these clans live off the land. That was not stated in so many words but again I thought the reader would gather that. Originally there were more characters in the story with names like hers. Sorry if I was too vague. I might add another person in there somewhere or change Saleria's name. Boy, this can be tough to squish a story down from an original. I'm leaving out too much I guess or not catching things I should.
Oh and Atiere? Pronounced A-Tear. Tear as in crying.
Again, thank you for the very helpful info. You did a very well thought out critique.
