Reply to Re: I need to know how to improve
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These sort of threads are why I love this forum. Thanks to everyone again for helping people who ask for it. Here's my own attempt:
As you have probably noticed on the forum, I have some pretty strong opinions and am not very good at keeping them to myself. While I agree with scratcher that this is a good quality, it can easily get annoying as well. And in a discussion it is very unlikely to change anyone's mind.
But I really disagree with yeoldetoast on the solution. Instead I recommend the Socratic method: asking questions which should lead the person to saying stupid things. The idea is not to make them look stupid, but to make them realize that what they think doesn't make sense. On the other hand, there is a very real possibility that they will answer in an unexpected way that shows their ideas aren't stupid (and perhaps yours are). Because you have not yet given away your own position, it is easier for you to change it (or at least that's my experience; even though I like to think I am open to being convinced by good arguments, I find that in reality I'm more open to it as long as I haven't been arguing for anything).
For example, if someone says "I want a gun to keep me and my family safe", I very much want to tell them that they are completely wrong. But that doesn't work (I've tried
). The Socractic method is asking questions like "How do you make sure your children can't get their hands on the gun?" and "I've seen research which shows that people with guns are more likely to die, do you think that is incorrect? Do you know of research that supports your position? Or is the research not relevant to your position?" I've tried that as well. I'm not sure yet if it worked better in terms of convincing anyone, but it certainly keeps things more friendly: they see that I'm interested in their opinion, as opposed to forcing my opinion on them.
That's also my advice in pretty much all social matters (including finding a romantic partner): be interested in the other person, and show your interest by asking them about their opinions on anything that you care about. It doesn't make everyone your friend, and that's fine. It does make the right people more likely to become your friends.
Finally, you mention that you can be clingy. That's something to work on: it's something that really scares people away. If you aren't sure how often a (potential) friend would like to have contact with you, talk about it. If you find that you want more contact then they do, try to find more friends so they can all have enough time with you to keep them happy, while you also see people enough time to keep you happy. Different people have different needs for how much contact they need, so they're not rejecting you if they don't want to see you as much as you may want to see them. I personally don't need much, and I want to be alone quite a bit. I have friends who need much more contact. I can't give that to them (because that makes me unhappy). But I can give them a bit, and if others do that, too, it keeps us all happy.
As you have probably noticed on the forum, I have some pretty strong opinions and am not very good at keeping them to myself. While I agree with scratcher that this is a good quality, it can easily get annoying as well. And in a discussion it is very unlikely to change anyone's mind.
But I really disagree with yeoldetoast on the solution. Instead I recommend the Socratic method: asking questions which should lead the person to saying stupid things. The idea is not to make them look stupid, but to make them realize that what they think doesn't make sense. On the other hand, there is a very real possibility that they will answer in an unexpected way that shows their ideas aren't stupid (and perhaps yours are). Because you have not yet given away your own position, it is easier for you to change it (or at least that's my experience; even though I like to think I am open to being convinced by good arguments, I find that in reality I'm more open to it as long as I haven't been arguing for anything).
For example, if someone says "I want a gun to keep me and my family safe", I very much want to tell them that they are completely wrong. But that doesn't work (I've tried
). The Socractic method is asking questions like "How do you make sure your children can't get their hands on the gun?" and "I've seen research which shows that people with guns are more likely to die, do you think that is incorrect? Do you know of research that supports your position? Or is the research not relevant to your position?" I've tried that as well. I'm not sure yet if it worked better in terms of convincing anyone, but it certainly keeps things more friendly: they see that I'm interested in their opinion, as opposed to forcing my opinion on them.That's also my advice in pretty much all social matters (including finding a romantic partner): be interested in the other person, and show your interest by asking them about their opinions on anything that you care about. It doesn't make everyone your friend, and that's fine. It does make the right people more likely to become your friends.
Finally, you mention that you can be clingy. That's something to work on: it's something that really scares people away. If you aren't sure how often a (potential) friend would like to have contact with you, talk about it. If you find that you want more contact then they do, try to find more friends so they can all have enough time with you to keep them happy, while you also see people enough time to keep you happy. Different people have different needs for how much contact they need, so they're not rejecting you if they don't want to see you as much as you may want to see them. I personally don't need much, and I want to be alone quite a bit. I have friends who need much more contact. I can't give that to them (because that makes me unhappy). But I can give them a bit, and if others do that, too, it keeps us all happy.
