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December 9th 2014, 04:04 AM
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CocoMonkey
Bard He/Him United States
Please Cindy, say the whole name each time. 
260: The Legend of the Dink II: The Ancient Book Author: GOKUSSJ6 Release Date: June 20, 2007
"Dink listen to me Seth is resurrecting evil mens that you killed!"

"Legend of the Dink II" picks up right where its predecessor left off. Dink has just killed Seth again, but as long as his spirit remains, he'll be able to keep coming back. Dink also notes that he's mysteriously lost the sword and fireball spell that he had seconds ago - of course, this happens for no reason other than the fact that it's the start of a new DMOD. The DMOD cliché parade continues as Martridge shows up, explains the plot like the cuddly ball of beard and exposition we all know and love, and teleports Dink to a new location. As always, Dink complains that Martridge didn't teleport him to quite the right place. Less worn-out is the implication the intro gives that Martridge is a womanizer, but even that was previously seen in "Honor Quest." I have a slight suspicion that ol' Goku might have played a few other DMODs before making this one.


Actually, I wouldn't mind if this became an established part of Martridge's character. He could use another dimension or two.

There's definitely a lot more to this DMOD than the first in the series, which you could play almost entirely from left to right. There are two towns, a couple of dungeons and a series of little fetch quests you have to complete to progress. Outside of the town and dungeon areas, however, "The Ancient Book" has the same problem as "The Beginning:" Most of the map is just large boxes with a bunch of enemies thrown in. Dink is left to wander through these areas, and it feels purposeless. Usually, once you find the road you can follow it and safely ignore everything else. There is a part near the end where you have to go a long way out of your way to find a guy who's just standing in a bush at the edge of the forest. I'm glad somebody on an old discussion thread mentioned to look for this guy, because the DMOD itself doesn't give you the slightest clue what to do.


Trees and bushes are placed a bit haphazardly, but at least the map doesn't look plain.

The map also has some visual problems related to depth dot and hardness.


Depth dot errors are common. You can "stand on the roof" of the majority of the houses.


It looks like Dink and the monsters can walk on water.

Dink's quest is to find the "ancient book" referred to in the title in order to learn how to defeat Seth. He finds it in yet another place called the Temple of the Ancients (if I remember correctly, everybody is probably cribbing this from Final Fantasy VII), but somebody else has gotten there first... It's Bishop Nelson, the leader of the Dead Dragon Carcass Cult from the original game! Okay, that one's new. He's been brought back to life by Seth and put into a wizard's body. There is a genuinely funny moment when Dink tries to figure out who this mysterious figure is. Nelson drops a hint about the DDC Cult, and...


Nice.

Unfortunately, the frustrating trend of excessively hard bosses continues here. Although the DMOD is full of monsters, you're not required to fight anything before the boss. Still, I had found a few hidden powerup caches and had pretty impressive stats. Still, I got my butt whooped by Nelson. He has two forms. In the first, he summons a ridiculous number of ghost knights to assist him; in the second, he's a stone giant.


He just keeps summoning them!

I didn't want to give up and cheat again, so I went back and did some serious grinding, going from level 4 to level 9. At this point, the boss and the minions he summoned couldn't do more than 1 damage to me, but I still couldn't win after several tries. Both forms (and the ghost knights) move much more quickly than Dink, so the usual hit and run tactics don't work. The forms have a ridiculous amount of hit points (500 for the first form, 550 for the second), so they were easily able to outlast me. Again, I gave up and cheated. Does anybody playtest these games? Yes, I know, "you just suck." Fine, whatever.

In the ending, Dink meets back up with Martridge, who tells him that that Seth has resurrected "two great mens." The DMOD doesn't leave us in suspense on who that is - it's Mog. A goblin then starts banging on the door, setting the next part up nicely.

261: The Legend of the Dink Special Edition: Rand's Quest for Axe Author: GOKUSSJ6 Release Date: June 27, 2007
"Cause GOKUSSJ6 wanted to make a quest about idiotic Rand and his axe."

The words "special edition" usually refer to some kind of remake or repackaging, but this is actually a side-story to the "Legend of the Dink" series. Goku-san is obviously a fan of Japanese media, so he could have called it "Legend of the Dink Gaiden."

You might be wondering who this Rand person is. He's a very minor character from "Legend of the Dink II," a guard who was paranoid about people trying to steal his axe.


Here's a shot of Rand from "Legend of the Dink II."

This is a silly romp, obviously intended as a comedy. I did think the intro was pretty funny. Rand is convinced he's lost his axe, even though his partner keeps telling him that it's in his chest (he says "on" his chest, but he means inside it). Rand is such an idiot that he's convinced himself that his partner's chest is his own and refuses to even check the other one. Rand embarks on a Quest for his Axe. The other residents of his village are so happy the lunatic is leaving that they throw a party.


It looks to me like he's CARRYING his axe, but I guess he must mean a different axe.

The forest area you start out in and a "town" of two enterable houses it leads to are all a red herring. The actual way forward is hidden under some random bush. That's, uh, not great design, but okay. This leads to a cameo of Skull and some other guy named Rajesh.


Heh, he's literally a skull. Good choice.

Rand travels to a strange land with no screen borders and no hardness to do battle with a villain known as the "Spammer King." I have to admit I cringed a bit when Rand told this guy he was going to rape his ass. The "Legend of the Dink" mods already have a lot of foul language, but this one goes even further. I guess the idea is that profanity equals comedy. I don't usually mind swearing, but it seems a little excessive here. When you defeat the Spammer King, nothing happens; this is intentional, oddly enough. You just have to go back the way you came. Don't return to the screen where you fought SK; if you do, the game will freeze.


This is the only savebot in the DMOD. As you can see, it doesn't work.

Rand eventually gets a wizard to magically divine the location of his axe: it's in the chest at the beginning of the game, of course. He returns home, but is still too stubborn to look in his own chest. The other guard, who must know him pretty well, has anticipated this and moved the axe to his own chest. And all was well. Hey, I've seen worse attempts at humor.

Oh, and like 95% of alternative heroes, Rand turns into Dink when you push. Argh, it is so easy to fix!

262: Attack of the Mutant Veggies Author: Radfrog Release Date: June 28, 2007
"In the meantime, eat your veggies... BEFORE THEY EAT YOU!"

"Attack of the Mutant Veggies" grabbed me from the beginning, but almost lost me by the end. I actually quit the game at one point with the intention of giving up, but I changed my mind and went back and finished it. My final time was 1 hour and 17 minutes, but it honestly felt a lot longer. That's a shame, because some parts of this DMOD are funny and interesting.


For example, check out this title screen with the chomping head of lettuce. It's hilarious in motion and with a dramatic music sting.

A couple of bored Ancients named Rhatt and Maous (get it?) have decided to entertain themselves by wreaking havoc upon Dink's plane of existence. Specifically, they have altered the DNA of various plants to make them into creatures that attack and maim. The evil veggies encountered by Dink during the adventure include lettuce, celery, carrots, potatoes, radishes, and a watermelon as the final boss. Most of these are all-new graphics, and some of those that aren't, like the lettuce, have new animations where they hop up to bite Dink. It actually looks quite good! It's a hoot seeing all the veggies hop around.


Chomp!

The Ancients don't actually enter Dink's world. They communicate from their own through sparkles. They use a variety of machines to exert their influence on the lower plane, such as the "transdeeinayer" used to mutate the vegetables. Dink also speaks to a "good" Ancient, but they're unwilling or unable to help apart from scattering gold and relatively useless potions all across the land. The potions look like stat increasers, but they're actually equivalent to a small heart, a large heart, and a less powerful golden heart.

The dialogue is whip-smart and there are a lot of cool story ideas. I liked the arrogant yet cowardly (and unusually skinny) King, who isn't a damn bit of help to Dink. He says that he can't help with swords or gold because the Visigoths have kidnapped the queen, and they demand a large ransom each month... or they'll return her.


The King jokes about a possible furniture uprising, not yet realizing the seriousness of the vegetable threat.

Another character I liked early on was an oracle who has to "breathe fumes from a mystical source" (clearly, he is actually using narcotics) in order to use his psychic powers. Oh, and this DMOD also features "the dancing baby." Does anybody remember that? I remember seeing it on Ally McBeal. It was already as old as the hills when this DMOD came out.

The game opens up when you get access to a teleporter. You can choose from four destinations, with a fifth locked until you've explored the other four. Again, some of the concepts behind the areas are pretty interesting. Briefly, I thought that this DMOD finally achieved what I was hoping to do with "Crossroads" back in 2000 - to make a spiritual successor to "The Quest for Cheese." For a moment, all the elements seemed in place - a lazy king, some smart humor, a variety of quirky locales. It ended up being a lot less fun than all of that, unfortunately.

One thing that "Quest for Cheese" had going for it that "Mutant Veggies" doesn't: compact maps. I ended up doing a lot of aimless wandering around through big, empty areas. It's the same problem the author's previous DMOD, "Picnic Perils," had - it'd be a lot better if there wasn't so much walking. Mind you, this is a much better DMOD than that one, since there's a lot more to do, but the same basic criticism applies.

Also returning from "Picnic Perils:" the author's unusual treatment of NPCs. Conversations happen in cutscenes; afterward, most NPCs become unresponsive. I don't like this at all. It makes the game feel less interactive.

Those aren't the only problem with "Attack of the Mutant Veggies," however. A big one is the enemies. You're given a chance to play in easy mode at the start, and I took it. It made the enemies wimps in most ways, but their defense is still sky-high. In an effort to catch up, I put all of my points into attack, but this turned out to be futile. Enemies' defense scales with your attack. Most enemies, including all vegetables, will always take either 1 or 0 damage from you. On Easy, this is compensated for by the fact that they haven't got much health, but this is still awful, awful design. I can't imagine what the point is in the first place of having enemy defense scale with player offense, thus rendering the latter completely useless, but even allowing that, WHY would you set it so high that the player can't do real damage to the enemies? It killed my fun just as surely as a bunch of celery sticks killed the King's weak-ass knights. I'll say it again, for emphasis: this is baffling, awful design.

The maps are better than in "Picnic Perils," but there are still tiling problems, especially concerning water. However, I do really like the new grass tiles. I think they look better and more organic than the default grass.


Nobody ever told RadFrog that water isn't supposed to have abs.

With the complaining out of the way, let's take a quick look at the locations Dink visits:



The main attraction in Oddland is a tourist trap where you pay a substantial fee to gawk at a village of tiny people. Dink learns that the people and village are really normal size, and that it's a trick done with mirrors.

Y'know - damn it, I'm gonna complain some more - another problem with this DMOD is that you aren't given very clear objectives in these locations. You just kind of bum around these places until you feel like you've accomplished something and then leave. Although you know what your overall goal is (to destroy a device the Ancients need to keep making veggie monsters), there's never a sense of how your adventures in these locations contribute to that goal. Even a rote "collect the four pieces of the broken teleport device" type plot would give the player a sense of purpose. It's important to give the player a sense of purpose, or they'll feel that they're wasting their time. I did.

Okay, back to the locations.



In Stoneledge, Dink meets people in conflict with some stone giants. The stone giants are retaliating because the people have ruined their land and greedily chopped down all the trees. They won't fight their own battles - they insist they're pacifists, but it seems more like a cover for cowardice. Dink helps them, but begrudgingly.



The substance that looks like mud in Caustica on Avon is actually sulfuric acid. In addition to avoiding the edges of the paths, Dink must take care not to walk into barrels full of the stuff that are sitting all around the place. At the end, there's a wishing well, but the only wishes it offers are kind of lame.



Phantasmagoria features a "teacher" who quizzes Dink endlessly - the solution to the puzzle is to simply walk away in the middle of his quiz (clever!). After that, there are a series of tough physical challenges where quick reflexes are required to dodge traps, but it's not so bad once you realize that you don't have to do them all at once and can save after beating each challenge. Dink seems to accomplish even less here than usual, unfortunately. The trigger for "winning" the area seems to be meeting a guy who sells fireball magic... but Dink doesn't buy it, because it's a dud. What was the point of coming here?


One of the challenges in Phantasmagoria.

In the final area, Alta Vista, you climb a lot of stairs to reach the "highest point in the world," where the final boss and the dreaded machine await. This place seems to be a tourist attraction too, despite the monsters around.

"Attack of the Mutant Veggies" is a very interesting mod with some especially frustrating flaws. I'm still interested to see RadFrog's other DMOD, which is... it's coming right up, actually, after another "Legend of the Dink" DMOD.