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May 11th 2014, 10:06 PM
custom_coco.gif
Cocomonkey
Bard Male United States
Please Cindy, say the whole name each time. 
112: The Monster House Author: Timo Jyrisoo Release Date: January 26, 2002

"Dink must kill all monster in the house!"

OK, I'm impressed. Somehow Timo managed to make an adaptation of a movie four years before it came out! Naw, I'm just playin'. The actual plot is that a "house" (actually just a hallway) is full of all the monsters from the original game, and Dink has to kill them.

Hmmm... You know what, yes. Yes, I am going to do it.

*********This DMOD, "The Monster House,"***********
 ********Has been awarded the prestigious*********
  ****DINK FOREVER MEMORIAL AWARD OF BADNESS*****
   **********On this day May 11, 2014***********


There are nine rooms in this DMOD. Seven of them contain monsters. Dink is equipped with a claw sword to defeat the monsters. If you bring up the inventory screen, you'll find that you also have the spell of fireball, which is nice, although it's odd that it isn't equipped from the start. The monsters you encounter are, in order: pillbugs, boncas, slayers, dragons, stone giants, spikies, and slimes. Each room contains a sign, which will display the name of the monster for you. Each room is screenlocked until you beat the monsters, but since the slimes screen has a warp on it, defeating the slimes is unnecessary. There are no savebots. There is one MIDI. Here is a picture of the victory screen.

There; now you may as well have played this, because there isn't much to it. Even that quotation up there is from the dmod.diz file. I was almost going to spare it the Award of Badness because it pretty much accomplishes what it sets out to do, but the spikies (referred to here as "roll or something") each have five hundred hit points. Five hundred! And there are a lot of them. They move too slowly to present you any threat, so you get to experience the fury of nearly ten minutes of dull, dull chopping. By the way, the spikies come with a neat little animation where they stop moving and fold up. How come so few DMODs use that as the death?

113: The Legend of Pärnu (Beta) Author: Timo Jyrisoo Release Date: February 28, 2002

"There is many shop!"

Pärnu is a city in Estonia. As an Estonian, Timo must have a special interest in the fact that "Dink must save the Pärnu," as stated in the dmod.diz.

The version of LOP that currently exists has a main.d file that, like all the scripts in Gnug's Attack, contains just one character: ˙. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a DMOD had no main.c/d script? I will tell you what it is like: IT IS HILARIOUS.

When I started this DMOD, I heard the level up noise. 0 experience was good enough to level Dink up from 0 to 1! Dink celebrated his good fortune by dropping dead immediately, as he also had 0 life. I was still able to increase a stat before the load/restart/quit prompt came up. Yay! This made me laugh so hard, I nearly fell out of my chair. Words don't do it justice: Start game, Happy level up tone, Dink falls over dead. All within two seconds.

Well, I'm game. Only some of the scripts seem to have the bizarre ˙ problem, so let's try replacing the main.d with the one from the original game and see how it goes. Hopefully Timo didn't add any new global variables...

...Okay. He did, and the scripts that reference them cause crashes. Bummer!

It'd take more work than I'm willing to put in to make this playable. It's too bad, because I'm missing an even better virtuoso performance in crazy English than True of Life. Let's at least have a look at some of the things the DMOD would have said...

"Duck his death!" - Dink, after failing to save an old man. This is immediately followed by kill_game().

A conversation between Dink and a man named Jack:

Dink: Do you have job?
Jack: Yes i have!
Go to east there are ducking she dog soldier. Kill him!.
Dink: Okay i kill him.
Jack: Good!


Really, everyone seems to say the F-word every few sentences, as if they're testing it out to make sure it still works under heavy usage.

Dink: What place there is?
Soldier: There are the Nikolai Street.
There is many shop!


Hahaha yes. YES. "There is many shop!" <3

Oh, and you should try hitting this guy:

"You can't kill me! I'm a very strench!

Too bad this one doesn't work. To be honest, though, it looks like there wasn't much here anyway. Timo, you were a very strench.