Reply to Re: I need to know how to improve
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I mostly agree with mm, but I'd like to clarify some things:
Shevek makes some valid points, if the other person is actually seeking your input. It would be different if you are giving unsolicited input.
85% of the time, they don't want our opinion
50% of those times, they want us to agree with some part of it.
The nice thing about the Socratic method is that you can get unexpected answers that may convince you the other person understands things better than you do. You aren't asking for that, but it may happen anyway. And if it does, it feels great.
This also works the other way. If they don't want our opinion, but do want us to agree, they will be open to answering questions about what they are saying. If you are careful (avoid inserting new facts into the questions), you can use the Socratic method to make them think about their position, which can lead to them changing it. If it does, it feels great for them.
It is very important that you do this for the purpose of helping them think about things, not for the purpose of making them agree with you. As long as you want to convince them more than you want them to think, don't try it. If they feel that you are preaching, they will not like you. And that's understandable: would you like someone who wants to convince you at a time when you need someone to listen?
On the other hand, I do like people who help me to clear my thoughts. Even more if it results in me finding contradictions in my opinions. So doing this is also a way to find people I want to be friends with: there are people who don't want to think. That is perfectly acceptable, and they are not bad people. But at the same time, I prefer to have friends that do want to think. So if someone dislikes me for doing this, it's not a loss. In fact, it's a win, because it makes sure both of us will not waste any more time with each other.
You should ask yourself why you felt you didn't deserve the great things.
I've met several people who have low self esteem. Sometimes they even think that other people in the exact same situation do deserve great things, but they don't. It's extremely hard to get rid of that feeling. It's very much worth it, but I'm afraid I don't know how to do it. But I'll speculate anyway.
For your happiness, I would suggest to fake it: when good things are happening to you, even if you feel inside that you don't deserve them, pretend that you do. The reason is that everybody will agree that you deserve them (well, everyone who matters anyway). And if you do this a while, you may start believing it yourself as well.
Of course it doesn't mean you can't talk about your insecurity. It just means that you shouldn't refuse good things that are coming your way. When it's about relationships, you may feel the person you love deserves a better partner than you. Don't do that. If they want to be your partner, be happy with it. They will be happy with you as well. If it doesn't work out, it should never be because you think they are too good for you, but only because one of you doesn't want it (which doesn't mean the other person isn't worth it, just that you both would be happier with someone else). If you love and trust someone, accept their decision if they want to be with you.
Shevek makes some valid points, if the other person is actually seeking your input. It would be different if you are giving unsolicited input.
85% of the time, they don't want our opinion
50% of those times, they want us to agree with some part of it.
The nice thing about the Socratic method is that you can get unexpected answers that may convince you the other person understands things better than you do. You aren't asking for that, but it may happen anyway. And if it does, it feels great.
This also works the other way. If they don't want our opinion, but do want us to agree, they will be open to answering questions about what they are saying. If you are careful (avoid inserting new facts into the questions), you can use the Socratic method to make them think about their position, which can lead to them changing it. If it does, it feels great for them.
It is very important that you do this for the purpose of helping them think about things, not for the purpose of making them agree with you. As long as you want to convince them more than you want them to think, don't try it. If they feel that you are preaching, they will not like you. And that's understandable: would you like someone who wants to convince you at a time when you need someone to listen?
On the other hand, I do like people who help me to clear my thoughts. Even more if it results in me finding contradictions in my opinions. So doing this is also a way to find people I want to be friends with: there are people who don't want to think. That is perfectly acceptable, and they are not bad people. But at the same time, I prefer to have friends that do want to think. So if someone dislikes me for doing this, it's not a loss. In fact, it's a win, because it makes sure both of us will not waste any more time with each other.
You should ask yourself why you felt you didn't deserve the great things.
I've met several people who have low self esteem. Sometimes they even think that other people in the exact same situation do deserve great things, but they don't. It's extremely hard to get rid of that feeling. It's very much worth it, but I'm afraid I don't know how to do it. But I'll speculate anyway.
For your happiness, I would suggest to fake it: when good things are happening to you, even if you feel inside that you don't deserve them, pretend that you do. The reason is that everybody will agree that you deserve them (well, everyone who matters anyway). And if you do this a while, you may start believing it yourself as well.Of course it doesn't mean you can't talk about your insecurity. It just means that you shouldn't refuse good things that are coming your way. When it's about relationships, you may feel the person you love deserves a better partner than you. Don't do that. If they want to be your partner, be happy with it. They will be happy with you as well. If it doesn't work out, it should never be because you think they are too good for you, but only because one of you doesn't want it (which doesn't mean the other person isn't worth it, just that you both would be happier with someone else). If you love and trust someone, accept their decision if they want to be with you.
