Paradise Island (Revised)
Paradise Island: Part 1
We were peacefully flying on our annual camping trip to Hawai enjoying the beautiful sights of the ocean, fishes jumping in and out of the water and sea gulls flying parallel to the aircraft. The students of Heron Academy were all excited as this was the first time they were going on camping trip.
"This trip would be fun! I can tell you" one of the students spoke
"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. Look at the the sky. I have got a feeling that we are in for a tough time." Churchill replied
"Bah! There skies are all clear"
An hour passed and the syudents aboard were getting bored sitting there doing nothing in the aircraft. When suddenly the plane was surrounded with thick fog.
"There what did I say." Churchill spoke
"You were just lucky that the prediction was right" Martin replied
"Visibility is down to zero. I can't see a thing"
"HELP...." a boyy shouted as the plane collided with a tree.
The Next thing I remember was that I was lying in beach with heavy rain puring down over my face. I took shelter under some palm trees till the next morning when I was woken up by a shrill noise probably of a conk. I immediately understood that it was Ralph, the senior-most in our expedition signalling to us that we were to gather here. Crawling through a thin line of trees I finally reached where Ralp was.
"There you are" shouted Ralph full of joy
"I thought you were dead like the crew of our plane"
"Where are the rest?", I asked
"They are off setting a camp in meadow nearby. Come and help us.", Ralp said
"Everyone safe among the students?"
"Yeah, everyone safe and sound."
"Great to hear that."
"Common lets go now. We must organize ourselves."
Day 2: The fog had finally sorted out and we had organized ourselves into two rows marching parallel to each so that we can be easily spotted by the rescue team. Groups were made as we began scouting the island.
"Look that's our aircraft isn't it." I said
"Probably is. There is nothing much left in it." Mark replies
"Lets see what we can find inside it" I said
Mark and Kody nodded their head in disagreement.
"Common don't be a coward. We are in high school!", I said
"You go first. We will follow you", Zach said
As is got closer and closer I saw a golden light coming from the baggage compartment of the aircraft.
"WHAT THE HELL!", I shouted
There was pin- drop silence around. I stood there waiting for a reply.
We were peacefully flying on our annual camping trip to Hawai enjoying the beautiful sights of the ocean, fishes jumping in and out of the water and sea gulls flying parallel to the aircraft. The students of Heron Academy were all excited as this was the first time they were going on camping trip.
"This trip would be fun! I can tell you" one of the students spoke
"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. Look at the the sky. I have got a feeling that we are in for a tough time." Churchill replied
"Bah! There skies are all clear"
An hour passed and the syudents aboard were getting bored sitting there doing nothing in the aircraft. When suddenly the plane was surrounded with thick fog.
"There what did I say." Churchill spoke
"You were just lucky that the prediction was right" Martin replied
"Visibility is down to zero. I can't see a thing"
"HELP...." a boyy shouted as the plane collided with a tree.
The Next thing I remember was that I was lying in beach with heavy rain puring down over my face. I took shelter under some palm trees till the next morning when I was woken up by a shrill noise probably of a conk. I immediately understood that it was Ralph, the senior-most in our expedition signalling to us that we were to gather here. Crawling through a thin line of trees I finally reached where Ralp was.
"There you are" shouted Ralph full of joy
"I thought you were dead like the crew of our plane"
"Where are the rest?", I asked
"They are off setting a camp in meadow nearby. Come and help us.", Ralp said
"Everyone safe among the students?"
"Yeah, everyone safe and sound."
"Great to hear that."
"Common lets go now. We must organize ourselves."
Day 2: The fog had finally sorted out and we had organized ourselves into two rows marching parallel to each so that we can be easily spotted by the rescue team. Groups were made as we began scouting the island.
"Look that's our aircraft isn't it." I said
"Probably is. There is nothing much left in it." Mark replies
"Lets see what we can find inside it" I said
Mark and Kody nodded their head in disagreement.
"Common don't be a coward. We are in high school!", I said
"You go first. We will follow you", Zach said
As is got closer and closer I saw a golden light coming from the baggage compartment of the aircraft.
"WHAT THE HELL!", I shouted
There was pin- drop silence around. I stood there waiting for a reply.
Since you're just standing there for a reply, here it goes:
Some typos aside it wasn't really bad
The beginning, i.e. the part before "Fortunately we were able...", was a bit too fast for my taste. First you were enjoying the beautiful sights of the ocean, and next thing we know there was a thick fog.
It wasn't until the last paragraph that I realised it was a high-school camp trip (though "Everyone safe among the students" gave a hint). I knew it was a camping trip, but the "We" and "our" of the first sentence were unspecified.
In short:
I liked the story, has some potential. The introduction needs some work and you must watch out that the story reaches a climax, rather than it being just an enumeration of events. At least, that's what I prefer. Other people may think otherwise.
Some typos aside it wasn't really bad
The beginning, i.e. the part before "Fortunately we were able...", was a bit too fast for my taste. First you were enjoying the beautiful sights of the ocean, and next thing we know there was a thick fog.
It wasn't until the last paragraph that I realised it was a high-school camp trip (though "Everyone safe among the students" gave a hint). I knew it was a camping trip, but the "We" and "our" of the first sentence were unspecified.
In short:
I liked the story, has some potential. The introduction needs some work and you must watch out that the story reaches a climax, rather than it being just an enumeration of events. At least, that's what I prefer. Other people may think otherwise.
Corrected what you told Magicman. I have tried to elaborate more how they came to be on the island. I hope its better now 
