The Dink Network


July 14th, 2009
Score : 3.0 tolerable
Bard Male Finland bloop
cigarette bonca 
"Yay, goldpile", thought scratcherwizard and walked towards it. "You're so cute and tiny. I'll just have to pet you!" he said and moved closer so that his stubby arms could reach it. "What the?! I just walked right through you!" scratcherwizard's voice rose with excitement, and with a puzzled look on his face, he proceeded to walk through the goldpile again. "Gold +1!" a text said. "Ah, you have to touch the upper edge of the pile... It must be some kind of illusion, it looks like there are many gold pieces here but I only got one." scratcherwizard scratched his hat, grinned one-sidedly, shrugged, and walked towards a goblin hut that stood nearby.

"What is this? I can not enter!" he shouted and repeatedly jumped at the hole on the face of the hut, unable to get in. "I hate this", he remarked and gave up, remembering this is also how the goblin huts in Original Dink were, and decided to just hate goblin huts in general, not the ones in this game specificly.

Seeing how there was nothing else of interest near him, scratcherwizard decided to walk to the next screen. In fact, there was very little on the screen in general. A few trees, grassmat, the goblin hut and another goldpile. scratcherwizard decided to come back to the gold later, since he was close to the edge of the screen. The screen changed with a fade down, instead of a cool scrolling effect. Underwhelmed, but nodding understandingly, he decided not to hold this against the game, as the platform on which it was built was weird, and demanding everything to be exactly like he was used to would be unreasonable. As he got over the fading, he looked around the screen. There was even less to look at here than on the first one. The only thing remotely interesting was a single wooden barrel, which scratcherwizard decided to break. But he could not do it! He tried to punch the barrel. He tried to kick it. He tried to gnaw on it... He could do nothing, he could not punch, he could not kick. The barrel could not be broken. "HERESY!" scratcherwizard screamed loudly, his voice dripping with anger, and despite moving his legs furiously, all he could do was slowly stroll out of the screen.

His anger quickly gave way to amazement. "This is not the screen from which I left! What is going on?" he wondered with his eyes wide open. Thinking he must have accidentally walked to the wrong screen, he turned around and entered the screen with the barrel. It was not there, instead, there was a fountain, and another goldpile. A thoughtful expression on his face, tapping his lips with his front finger, he said "I see... I see. Randomly generated screens." As this realization downed on him, the anger came back. "What rubbishness!" scratcherwizard shouted, and again tried to move quickly (to no avail) towards the fountain to wash away the bad taste this sorry excuse of a game had left on him. Of course, he could not wash his hands. He could do nothing with the fountain. Walking through the upper edge of the goldpile with hateful determination, scratherwizard noticed Financial Crysis had poached most of the gold pieces from his pockets.

He went to the next screen, and turned back, as there were no goldpiles there. On the newly generated screen from which he had left just a second ago, he found another goldpile. He picked it up and walked to another screen. No gold. Back. No gold. Back. Gold! Pick. Next screen. No gold. Back. Gold! Pick. "Exploring the screens in this game is foolishness. I'll just pick the gold and change between two screens until more appears." Doing this, scratcherwizard managed to quickly hoard a lot of money to beat Financial Crysis. Over 100 gold pieces, he had.

Suddenly, however, piles of gold stopped appearing. He switched screens and even tried walking through different screens, until Financial Crysis had poached half of his stash. "I wonder what's up with this?" he proposed the question to himself, the pitch of his voice rising at the end of the sentence. He waddled to the next screen.

"A rock!" scratcherwizard yelled, surprised, since he did not just SEE the rock. He was INSIDE the rock! He was STUCK! scratcherwizard struggled to break free, but it was to no avail. Financial Crysis had won. It poached the last gold pieces from his pockets, and a box appeared. "You survived Financial Crysis for 2 minutes and 50 seconds."

scratcherwizard did not feel the slightest bit depressed. He sighed with relief. "Thank Seth, this crap is finally over. Live poor and prosper."