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Dear Mom,
Never thought I would see this day....Sunday you were fine, laughing, wishing me a happy birthday, and acting as if everything was ok. Today you lie, not able to move or speak...the cancer has finally taken you over. I sat there today, staring at you, watching you breathing pattern wondering if the breath you just took would be your last. Every breath was a double sided sword. The more you breathed, the more you lived, but also the longer you must suffer....I pray you don't feel pain in your sleep. I thought about it all, everything you did for me...all the things I never got to say thank you for, the times that I was mad at you, the times I was sad, no one else was there...but you were. Thank you, I now know how much you mean to me...too little...too late. Tomorrow I get to make sure your last requests will be followed out...these requests will be followed to the point....I wanted to just see and hold you one more time..to let you know that I love you, always have, always will. To thank you for being my mother...for putting up with me, for loving me, for making me a man. As I held your warm yet lifeless hand, I prayed you felt my love. Not sure how much longer god will let you stay here, just know, that I will be by your side, if not in person, in spirit....you will not die alone, niehter will you be forgotten....
I wondered, of all the things in my head, did you know what I felt, and did you understand. Even through all the pain and heartbreak you have felt during these times of suffering, I always felt I had to be the strong one...the one you looked up to for strength, but now I know, you did it yourself. I look up to you. For as small as you are, throughout all the pain, you never asked "why me", you never complained about it, you never asked for assistance doing anything, even though you should. You never stopped with your positive attitude, you touched people with your strength. I think about it and know that you are a soldier, more of a soldier than I will ever be. You are what everone of us should strive to be, and that is the person I will remember, not the lifeless shell of a woman you are now. This is not what you deserve....
As I went to leave, I prayed that you hear my thoughts, my words, my soul. Not sure if you remember, but I lent down, kissed you on the forehead and uttered the words "I love you". You yet again amazed me. I saw your eyes open, one last time and to even greater suprise, you told me that you loved me. I left the room...I have never really cried...none the less this hard. My cusion and his wife was there...she hugged me and said "I wish I could say something to make you feel better", I told her "What I needed to hear, I heard."
Thank you mom.
Never thought I would see this day....Sunday you were fine, laughing, wishing me a happy birthday, and acting as if everything was ok. Today you lie, not able to move or speak...the cancer has finally taken you over. I sat there today, staring at you, watching you breathing pattern wondering if the breath you just took would be your last. Every breath was a double sided sword. The more you breathed, the more you lived, but also the longer you must suffer....I pray you don't feel pain in your sleep. I thought about it all, everything you did for me...all the things I never got to say thank you for, the times that I was mad at you, the times I was sad, no one else was there...but you were. Thank you, I now know how much you mean to me...too little...too late. Tomorrow I get to make sure your last requests will be followed out...these requests will be followed to the point....I wanted to just see and hold you one more time..to let you know that I love you, always have, always will. To thank you for being my mother...for putting up with me, for loving me, for making me a man. As I held your warm yet lifeless hand, I prayed you felt my love. Not sure how much longer god will let you stay here, just know, that I will be by your side, if not in person, in spirit....you will not die alone, niehter will you be forgotten....
I wondered, of all the things in my head, did you know what I felt, and did you understand. Even through all the pain and heartbreak you have felt during these times of suffering, I always felt I had to be the strong one...the one you looked up to for strength, but now I know, you did it yourself. I look up to you. For as small as you are, throughout all the pain, you never asked "why me", you never complained about it, you never asked for assistance doing anything, even though you should. You never stopped with your positive attitude, you touched people with your strength. I think about it and know that you are a soldier, more of a soldier than I will ever be. You are what everone of us should strive to be, and that is the person I will remember, not the lifeless shell of a woman you are now. This is not what you deserve....
As I went to leave, I prayed that you hear my thoughts, my words, my soul. Not sure if you remember, but I lent down, kissed you on the forehead and uttered the words "I love you". You yet again amazed me. I saw your eyes open, one last time and to even greater suprise, you told me that you loved me. I left the room...I have never really cried...none the less this hard. My cusion and his wife was there...she hugged me and said "I wish I could say something to make you feel better", I told her "What I needed to hear, I heard."
Thank you mom.
