: : A lot of the ideas I use come up randomly when I'm talking to my friends...
: : I was with one in Minassota (sp? Bah!) for 3 weeks...it'll be a semi-large part of my game...
: : anyone remember the bell? Ah ya, ring in case of amish. Amish Pirates. They live in a far off land, but it is against their religion to have sex, so they raid villages and steal their babies... I won't give away too much now... not sure how if that'll be in the demo i'll release soon, or at least continue saying i'll release soon, but it comes after the water castle, and thats just the second one...so maybe...
: : And a recent one that came up, though i don't know if i'll put it in dink, is the best ultimate weapon ever. A Double Barreled Scientist Launcher. Booya.
: : Basicaly, think of something bizarre, and as stupid as it sounds, work off of it...i mean, the whole bell, amish, ship, babies thing came from me mentioning amish for some reason soon after my friend mentioning pirates...and oh man, amish pirates!
: Eh. One of the reasons I never played through the first Okaly demo was just too outlandish. It just didn't motivate me to play it. Most people seemed to like it though (including Bluerose, if my swiss cheese mind is remembering correctly), so you can just ignore this comment :)
Well there really wasn't much in my demo really... i mean, the whole reason i'm releasing it again is to show my new systems and such, to get opinions, and also to show my leet scripting skillz. In fact, my demo sucked...i mean, all there was in it was the fire castle....which sucked, i'm remaking that...and i'm also adding a lot of wilderness, the first castle you go to will have stuff to do...and i think i'll throw a plot in also. The big pixelated axe stays, for now ;)
I was online last night when lightning hit a tree nearby. Unfortunately, it restarted my computer and fried my modem... I'm posting this from my local library.
Most of my humor doesn't quite fit, i.e.:
How to appear on Cops.
So, you want to be arrested on national TV? Well, that can be accomplished easily! Just walk into an airport looking suspicious, drop your pants, and shout, "Who wants one of my testicles?" Your arrest will be squeezed in between the weather and a bud light commercial, but this strategy has such side effects as dizziness, castration, and even lower back pain. If you're reading this guide, you probably hope that a better method exists because those "reduce lower back pain with just one application" and "regrow your testicles with just one pill a day" commercials are bullsh-t. Yes, if you want to appear on the hit reality show Cops, you must be one of the following:
1. A very drunk or stoned driver
2. A very drunk or stoned wifebeater
3. A prostitute
4. The wife of a very drunk or stoned wifebeater
5. Sadam Husseins' illegitimate canadian love child by Dennis Rodman
Most of those should be pretty easy, but remember, if you wish for Cops to actually play footage of you, it is vitally important that you don't commit any of the following crimes:
1. Armed robbery - Might make the news, but not Cops
2. Murder - Might make America's most wanted, but not cops.
3. A competent crime of ANY sort - If it's competent, then there won't be any film of it dumb-ss.
4. Livestock rape - Might make the news or Fox's When Livestock Rapists Attack: Part five season six
The decision of which criminal to be is not a simple one, so let us examine the pros and cons of each class:
Class one: The drunk driver.
The drunk/stoned driver is generally the easiest character to portray because all you have to do is:
1. Ingest substances
2. Drive
However, there are a few things you have to remember, for instance, you must deny any accusations of drug or alcohol abuse, even if you keep stumbling because the f-cking giant smiling blue chipmunks wont get out of your way.
Here is an example of a good dialogue:
OFFICER: OK, after seeing you swerve between lanes and run over a homeless family, I am forced to arrest you.
YOU:*HIC*But officah*hic*it's the road that curves there*hic*I washn't swerving*hic*See, I can walk in a shtraight line (followed by stumbling failure to walk in a straight line)
This dialogue clearly demonstrates denial, and the livestock raping idiots who watch Fox feel smart when they remember big words like denial.
Here is an example of a bad dialogue:
OFFICER: OK, after seeing you swerve between lanes and run over a homeless family, I am forced to arrest you.
YOU: Sure, go ahead, clearly I am a danger to society, and you are merely performing your duty by arresting me.
This is a bad dialogue for two reasons: you are not denying drunkeness and you are not truly drunk. If a dialogue like this occurs, you were probably drinking urine instead of alcohol. That's why the bottle you've been drinking from is labeled Smirnoff's Urine instead of Smirnoff's Vodka.
As with all the character classes, you must make the police pursue you. For this class, you should attempt merely to ignore the flashing lights riding your ass for as long as possible and continue your drunken swerving. They're probably after someoneone else. After a while, you should realize that there is no one else on the road and crash into some obstacle. If you have drugs in the car, make it real obvious.
Good example:
YOU: Oh, don't search the left bottom compartment of the trunk; you don't need to search there.
OFFICER: I see three left bottom compartments.
YOU: Well, you don't need to search the middle one.
This is good because you are giving the officer specific instructions on where to find the weed, and the audience is proud of their own ability to tell that you're lying about where the officer shouldn't search.
Not-so-good example:
YOU: Eh, go ahead search it all. I've got nothing to hide.
Bad-example:
YOU: Don't search my pockets. Oh yes, YES!! That feels good. Search... I mean don't search deeper, DEEPER!!
Besides the fact that the last example will prevent your arrest from ever being aired, Redneck police will beat you like an overweight klansman at a Nation of Islam rally. Only imagine that the Nation of Islam members all carry nightsticks. And actually kill klan members.
You must always break down and start crying if you are found with hard drugs. Say stuff like, "I can't go back to prison" and, "Oh, f-ck, F-CK! Oh f-ck..." If you are stoned on pot, show no visible response when they confront you with the hugeass bag of weed you half-smoked. If you do show a response, remember to buy better weed next time you try this.
2. The wifebeater
This is one of the more complicated characters because:
1. You must be a redneck
2. You must have a wife
Once you've accomplished these steps, you must get all liquored up, and start smacking yer woman around because, "The b-tch ain't done learned no respect yet." When your wife calls the police get ready for your big moment! As the police arrive, tell your version of the story. There are several approaches to this.
Good approach: "The b-tch done slapped me, so I had to ree-strain her." Good! Very Redneck.
Kinda good approach: "She ain't got no respect, so I done learned her a little." OK, but too honest.
Bad approach: "Good evening officers, me and my wife Marge were just putting Bart, Lisa, and Maggie to bed after my hard day at the nuclear plant..."
Although this last approach may get you featured on The Simpsons, it will not get you featured on Cops or StarWatch: Pam's t-ts in space.
If you know your woman well, you can figure out what she will tell the police. Here is a short guide:
Big Woman --> "That sunnuvab-tch done gone 'n hit me, I'm gonna slap his ass like a red-headed stepchile"
Medium-sized Woman --> "He hit me! I hate him! I hate him! I hope you lock him up forever, he's a no-good b-stard."
Small Woman --> "He ain't meant no harm, officers, he just gets a little angry when he's liquored up."
The police will do their best to calm everything down, but since they cut a lot of footage anyways, you'll want to drag things out as long as possible. Try to call your woman "no-good", "cheatin'", "lyin'" or anything else that can be found in a good country song. Try not to use lines found in Bloodhound Gang's Mope. While it is a good song, Redneck's do not believe in evolution, so they do not think that we are "nothing but mammals". The livestock raping audience does not make this distinction, however.
3. The prostitute
The prostitute has one requirement: You must be female.
Once you've figured out how to achieve that goal you can move on to costumes. Your costume must be as hooker-like as possible. If Rip Van Winkle were to wake up now, he should be able to tell that you are a hooker. If the cops attempt a sting, you should pretend that there is nothing abnormal about the pig-like person purposefully purchasing p-ssy no matter how pathetically obvious it is. If the "undercover" cop says something like, "so, let me get this straight, you are offering to fellate me in exchange for monetary recompensation." You should just nod your head. Try to show shocked surprise at the sudden switch in status when the policeman pulls out his badge and cuffs. Then try to argue with him.
Good dialogue:
YOU: Officer, please, I was just trying to earn a little money so I don't starve to death.
OFFICER: Why don't you get a job?
YOU: I tried! But it's so hard, y'know?
Good example of a veulnerable crack whore.
Bad dialogue:
YOU: I am merely the product of socio-economic factors which create a large group of semi-attractive, impoverished, young women and another large group of computer programmers who are unable to engage in intercourse through the normal channels of courtship etc.
Good example of a veulnerable crack lawyer
4. The wife of the drunken wifebeater
The requirements for this role are as follows:
1. You must be a redneck
2. You must be married to a drunken wifebeater
To refresh your memory, how you act is based mostly on size:
Big Woman --> Run outside as husband is talking to police and say, "That sunnuvab-tch done gone 'n hit me, I'm gonna slap his ass like a red-headed stepchile." Try to avoid on-camera violence, though screaming arguments are perfectly okay and improve your chances of getting on Cops or Springer.
Medium-sized Woman --> Stand just inside the door waiting for the cops so you can say, "He hit me! I hate him! I hate him! I hope you lock him up forever, he's a no-good b-stard." As the wifebeater is escorted into the police car, taunt him as much as possible.
Small Woman --> Cower behind a window, and when the cops arrive, say, "He ain't meant any harm, officers, he just gets a little angry when he's liquored up." Refuse to cooperate with any police effort.
In all cases, the police will either separate you and the wifebeater for the night or arrest one of you. No matter what your size-class is, you will lie constantly and contradict yourself.
Good dialogue:
YOU: So then he slapped me so I knocked him out with a punch to the jaw...
OFFICER: But I thought you said earlier that he punched you twice...
Good, at this point, the audience is saying, "Now she in a heap 'o' trouble! Git that lyin' b-tch, Clem!"
Bad dialogue:
YOU: At precisely 7:15:38.8 he attempted an openhanded palm strike commonly known as a "slap". Then he proceeded to perform a closed fisted reverse overhand punch to the facial region at 7:15:41.6, which I countered with a front kick to the groin region, commonly known as "the nutcracker"...
Bad, you should include an uncertainty number on those times, and what the f-ck is an "overhand" punch?
As always, intelligence is unwelcome. You should never, under any circumstances, actually leave and thus remove yourself from danger of personal harm. Just remember that you're trailer trash and you'll be fine.
I hope this guide has been helpful... now excuse me, but I have some pigs out back that need tending to.
WAY too long for a Dmod.