Yes, it's Actual Proof (patent pending) that Ask Tal has most definitely made a return. Ask Tal is my occasional article of sheer stupidity, lunacy, and mystery where I attempt to answer your questions about anything and everything in an amusing, possibly unexpected manner. Read the comments for the full boatload of oddness.
Submission 1:
Whoa, second revive, while the first one wasn't even declared dead
. Okay, here it comes:When you die, as what would you reïncarnate, and why do you think so?
How will the world come to an end?
Tal:
A ladybug just flew into my eye. That was not pleasant. The ladybug did inform me, though, that you submitted these exact same questions nine months ago. I like to think that my article and I are special, but jeez, who would imagine that someone could plaster something like "BE SURE TO ASK TAL (so and so)..." on their walls? And you probably did it with cow manure, too. For shame
I could probably delve into my elaborate, well-educated, eyebrow-raising stance on the possibilities or lack thereof of reincarnation; however, Grandmaster Dukie, with his Purple Haze of Clarity +5, would see past my BS theories and reveal that I actually have not given such a concept any contemplation. At all.
Making the bold assumption that reincarnation does happen, at least for the sake of answering this question, I think I'll become a fly. Why, oh why, would I be a fly? Well duh. I could sit on the wall while watching any of my ex-girlfriends take it from a big African-American fella named Tiny. You know how all my ex-girlfriends are; saying that sex isn't important to them at all, and them dumping me to play the part of the community doorknob. And with my eyes, observing such marvelous crimes of the human libido would be like watching 20 or so Tinys tear through those gutter-something-or-others. Now that I've given that some thought, I think I'll go kill myself tonight and see if I can strike a deal with Lady Luck. Who needs primetime?
Unfortunately, amidst all my thought regarding reincarnation, I cannot begin to fathom how the world will end, though I can assure you that America's "great leader" George W. Bush will win the 2004 election. Interpret that and mope as you will while I start production on Tiny's Tall Tales 4 (coming this summer to a porn outlet near you!).
Submission 2:
Was Allikitten your first girlfriend?
Tal:
Actually, truthfully, seriously, no. That's right.. no! I had another long-distance relationship prior with a girl that I will refer to as "Mandy." (If you're reading this right now, "Mandy," then I apologize for any stretching of the truth or lame relationship humor following this; it is written solely for the purpose of low-grade entertainment.)
Though Mandy and I had a relationship that lasted about as long as the Alli relationship, if not longer, we were much less.. committed. Following is an example of questionable conversations we had:
Tal: "So, uh, like.. who do you think is totally hot?"
Mandy: "That Dude from 21 Jump St. is so groovy, man. He's cool and buff and has, like, totally good taste."
Tal: "Totally?"
Mandy: "Completely."
Tal: "Radical."
Mandy: "Totally."
Tal: "Completely?"
Mandy: "This conversation is so.. radical. I'd do that guy with the sexual fury of a thousand isolated male badgers."
Tal: "Now that's FURIOUS!"
Mandy: "Straight up to da word my brotha g!"
Tal: "Duuuuude, what happened to the surfer dude dialect?"
Mandy: "Oh.. the righteousness, dude. My sincerest apologies. I gotta go though, man. I'm totally in love with you, by the way. We're cybering later."
Tal: "Rockin'. Later, lover woman."
And after many months of goofy conversations, cybering, and sharing teenage angst, I ditched her for a dumb reason one day. "You're like, never online anymore." This was the start of a long line of stupid moves I've made with women over the last year and a half. For example, I skipped out on a chance to date and possibly make out with some extremely hot local chick (with honest-to-goodness taste!) I shall refer to as "Chocobo" just to be with some narcissist drifter type. Um.. yeah, that's right.. DethLord. *cough* I would certainly never tell such brutal truths about Allison. Not if my life or my Ask Tal depended on it!
It's a shame that I screwed up so badly... I keep a football game ticket stud in my wallet to remind myself of how boneheaded it was to turn down, uh, Chocobo. And she hardly even talks to me now. Smooth like sandpaper, yo. Word.
Submission 3:
Why do you get to use HTML forms and not me?
Tal:
Honestly, ever since you asked, I've been wondering as well. I'm entitled to all these groovy features on the board, and validating reviews/previews/complaints/files, and various other seeeecret functions that I'm not permitted to speak of.. but despite my loneliness and prestigious position here at the Dink Network, I don't get to use whoever I please, and it saddens me. All I want from this website is sexual intercourse with one helpless Dinker, and what do I get? What do I get?! Well.. I'll keep mum on that. But I want your body, question submitter. I love you.
Submission 4:
Darn it, why can't you be like any other normal person, Tal?
Tal:
But I thought I was normal.. I'm here to tell you that I always worry about the conformist, corporate drones of our society. I attend school every day only to stumble across monotonous, brainwashed victims, donning their American Eagle or Abercrombie & Fitch garbage and listening to gangsta guns/money/hoes crap rap like every other hopeless soul. There's no point in American scientists researching cloning capabilities; MTV and the rest of the media have been using effective methods for years! In fact, it probably won't be too long until people are slapped with barcodes just for the sake of differentiation. But what can we do about it?
Well, that's where you come in. Think about it: Do you have to follow the leader or jump on the bandwagon just to be cool and accepted? No, not at all, though you will be with plenty of people just like yourself if you choose to do so: maggots devoid of unique qualities or the freedom to think for themselves. Is it really so difficult to be yourself, and to pursue exposure to a world beyond the mainstream? Is the inability to blaze your trail really normal? But enough of this dumb, pointless ranting.. what I really meant to say is that I'm gonna ring up Osama's cell and help him plot. At least we can abnormally conform to something else when the Muslim extremists take over.
Submission 5:
And now, folks, I present to you a mysterious message transmitted sometime between the last iteration of Ask Tal and the latest revival.. October 9th, 2003, to be exact. How the submitter managed to defy the laws of submission, or miss out on the fact that AT was pretty danged dead then, is beyond my comprehension.. but I'm here to lay this mysterious ASCII artifact to rest.
Jennifer Lopez or Britney Spears, and why?
What irritates you worse than anything else?
Why did you first start Ask Tal?
Tal:
Well, the first question is easy enough: they're both lousy two-bit pop culture wenches, but Britney is the more pathetic one, as she pulled a "black mayo" (don't ask, and I won't tell) and switched from innocent girl to sleazebag. On the other hand, J-Lo was never afraid to shake that inhuman rump, so I choose her. If I could choose any cheesy pop star, though, I'd go for Mandy Moore. Screw the chick flicks, marketing, inevitable Britney-esque conversion to the "dark side" and crap, that girl is synonymous with haaawt. Need proof?
Now then, what irritates me more than anything else? Probably trying to answer this very question, actually. I have to apply Deep Thought to it, and the following actions occur in the process of doing so: Get song stuck in head. Grope self. Think of attractive female. Grope self again. Become distracted by attractive female. Fail to remember her name. Remember who said female is after groping self. Hum song. Grasp idea of what could possibly be the most irritating thing in the world. And grasp self. Forget what irritating things come to mind after talking to attractive female. Ad infinitum.. and 42.
I first started Ask Tal so I could help people with self-molesting addictions like my own.
***
Ladies and gentlemen, it saddens me to inform you that we have come to the end of Ask Tal 11. Fear not, though, for ne..wait what whoa..
True believers, it has come to my attention that a poor lad needs my assistance immediately! And hence,
Submission 6:
As I don't really want to do my homework right now, I have a math question for you, that's due tomorrow. (I hope this is out soon.)
What is the differential equation for
y= {[(x+1)^2 + (2x-3)^3 ][(2x-1)^9]}/{(x^2-5)^3} ?
Thanks!
Tal:
It is my passion, my desire to assist you in your time of dire need. However, I'm afraid that such elaborate equations are beyond my comprehension. Coming to your assistance this fine evening is a friend who I like to call Billy:
"Now now lookie here son! Daggumit if you ain't forgettin' what I done told you 'round this time two days ago. What're yew talkin' about, you ain't met me before? It was down by that Dairy Queen that I said, 'Now Lester, it's done got time you learned how to do this, 'cause they ain't takin' no more dummies in school,' then you got yer tailhide in a rut when you said, 'But sir, how's a dummy teach a dummy?', and gawddang if they didn't throw me in the back of that cop car faster than Matilda shot out her three calves when I clubbed you o'er the head with that chair. I apologize profus'ly fer givin' you a speech impederment and a broken nose, but you oughta be more consid'rate when smart folks like me are helpin' you out; yer about as mean as an ol' alley cat. Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute.. I ne'er got to tell you a thing 'bout doin' this because I got thrown in the slammer so quick. But hayll, that ain't my fault. Git outta here 'fore I go Chun Li on your hiney."
And that is shocking proof that the answer is the square root divided by the reciprocal of a pointy stick. Now then, I must go, for I have various other deadlines that I need to pretend like I'm going to meet. And holy frick, I'm supposed to wake up in four hours. Farewell, "fans" of Tal; I shall deliver more (and hopefully better) content next time. And hey, if you want your questions answered, look no further than..
The Ask Tal Question Submission form!
