The Dink Network

Hello Again

March 8th, 04:31 PM
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Hallo everybody. Most of you won't remember me but for those of you who have been lurking around for over a decade hello again, it's me and I'm a supposedly adult human now. How have you all been?

I basically came on here to selfishly impose a thingy I wrote. I've never shown it to anyone in real life and I'd probably be too embarrassed to but any constructive criticism would be nice . Sorry it's quite self obsessed and probably crap but aaannyways.

The Noise

Suddenly, an unfamiliar and worrisome hissing grasps my focus from across the room. Should I investigate? My training tells me to get out of there, but my curiosity has me cautiously edging towards
the source of the terrible sound.

Itís a bitter winterís night and, once again, I find myself alone in a laboratory shrouded in darkness. My thoughts race as I step by a collage of chemical spatters. The familiar cacophony of olfactory stimulation: a barrage of smelly solvents, aromatic alcohols and enticing ethers insult my sensorium as I make my way across the lab.

Will I be one of those poor kids in a cautionary tale told to incoming grad students to scare them shitless? With nobody else around, how will I deal with the certain ensuing explosion? Hopefully my parents donít squander the mortality settlement.

Finally, I reach the source of the ominous noise: my co-worker Jinís bench. A loose-cannon of a chemist by any measure. A family man, who once singe-handedly all but obliterated the entire department in one blunderous attempt to create fuel from air.

Amidst bottles of noxious liquids and canisters of petrifying gasses, I discover the origin of my panic: he has forgotten to turn off his aspirator. My heart ceases to pound, and my life unflashes before my eyes as I lean in to adjust his water pump. I return to my work, happy to have evaded catastrophe for the time being.

Aanyways I've just never shown anything I've written to anyone really so I just though why not. Hope you're all sweet, much love and banana to you all.

Spacehog
March 8th, 04:37 PM
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Skurn
Peasant Female United States xbox steam duck
i like pie 
I've never shown it to anyone in real life and I'd probably be too embarrassed to

you just have.
March 8th, 05:45 PM
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LeprochaUn
Peasant Male Japan xbox steam
Responsible for making things not look like ass 
If you share your work with others more often it'll help a lot to better your writing. I thought it was mostly good. The "Scare them shitless" line really threw me though. It doesn't feel fitting at all for a narrator that seems to have a vast vocabulary and was using alliteration three times in the line just before it. "Scare them shitless" is far too crass and simplistic for this narrator. Also I'm pretty sure you meant single-handedly and not singe-handedly. Another thing is the "life unflashes" phrase. I understand what you were going for, but I don't think it works. This is mostly because it's just awkward to read. I would look for another way to get the idea across.
March 8th, 06:13 PM
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Skurn
Peasant Female United States xbox steam duck
i like pie 
don't listen to lep. write rule-less. it's more fun that way.
March 8th, 07:07 PM
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Skull
Peasant Male Finland
"I'd like to be a tree..." 
Hi there. I remember you.
March 9th, 06:38 AM
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Robj
Peasant Male Australia
You feed the madness, and it feeds on you. 
Your name is familiar. I believe I remember you.
March 9th, 01:10 PM
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Bluedy
Peasant Male Romania steam
Yet there I was, alone. Naked. 
Why hello there. Around a decade ago I was but a baby, so I probrably don't remember you. But welcome back
March 9th, 02:07 PM
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Hi. Nice.
March 26th, 10:01 AM
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Spacehog
Ghost
 
Many thanks for the feedback, particularly LaprochaUn. Was helpful to have critical comments on it so thank you kindly
March 26th, 02:08 PM
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baphomet
Peasant Male Germany
GOTT MIT UNS! 
Goodbye again.